Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Paternity Leave Tweet

By. Mike Baxter

I was assaulted yesterday on Twitter for saying the following things regarding Nats' Catcher Wilson Ramos' paternity leave:

"Paternity leave for a guy who is making $2m+/year to play a game, is embarrassing. Its not like the are on the road either. My point is that his wife is here in DC, are on home stand. He doesn't really need 3 days off from that "rough and tough, $2m/year job" of playing baseball."

First things first, I do not have kids. And from my standpoint, this is not relevant to this particular opinion. Secondly, if the Nats had been on a road trip and/or Wilson Ramos' wife was not residing in the DC area with him, my opinion would be that he most certainly deserves the time off, and I would not make issue with him missing 3 games. Logistically, he would need to take the 3 games off to be there for his wife and child.

But that's not the case. The Nats are at home for 3 games against the Mets and his wife is here in the DC area as well. In fact, she had their baby daughter Monday morning.

The question is not whether or not Wilson Ramos deserves to be there for the birth of his first child; he does. The question is not whether or not Wilson Ramos should be there in the hours and days following the birth of his child, as he should be.

So let me address what I was saying, since most of the assaulters yesterday, are too concerned with getting offended first, screaming at me second, and then maybe taking two seconds out of their day to consider what I was actually saying, third.

@EricFingerhut on Twitter said to me, "So you believe paternity leave in general is embarrassing, or just for rich baseball players. Either way, you're wrong."

Actually, Eric, I am not wrong. And I don't think paternity leave in general is embarrassing. But I'm glad you brought up the money aspect of it and what he does for a living.

The fact that he makes $2M/year is a consideration. Its only about 20 times more than the typical American family makes in a year.  It affords Ramos and his family to have the best medical staff and help that's available in the country. So is the fact that he's a Major League Baseball player. Unlike you and me and the majority of the rest of the country, Wilson doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn, fight traffic for an hour, and then grind away at his job for 8 hours or more. He plays baseball for a living. He probably gets to the ball park around 1:30 or 2pm for a 7:05pm start. Of a game...

I'm pretty sure, considering the circumstances of his wife being right here in DC and the Nats playing games right here in DC, that Wilson with the permission from the team- which he would most certainly get, that he could cut his pre-gaming down by a couple hours, maybe he gets to the ball park at 4:30 or 5 for Games 2 and 3, puts in the 4-5 hour day and then returns back home.

Is that asking too much?

Bottom-line, he is compensated handsomely to play a game. The team still pays him and has been there for him when he's injured. And in professional sports, unlike other jobs out there ERIC, your season is condensed into about a 6-7 month window, not a 12 month out of the year job like the rest of us working class slobs. And when that season is in full swing, and you're in a pennant race in early August, your team expects you to perform and you should do everything in your power to be there.

Anthony Harris, @Skull_Bonez on Twitter said to me, "If it was a woman, you'd feel different."

Well, no shit, Sherlock. I'll let the genius known as Anthony Harris, ponder this proposition for an hour (or maybe he needs more than an hour), to consider why I might feel different if we were talking about a woman athlete needing leave because of the impending birth of a child, much more so than a man would.

Interestingly enough, I had 16 different assaulters on my Twitter timeline following my comments yesterday. However, when I proposed the same statement/question, regarding how fans and people in general would feel if one of the Nats star players wanted to take paternity leave under the same circumstances, BUT it was a home World Series game, only 1 person replied.

My tweet and thought process wasn't an attempt to insult women or anyone for that matter. It wasn't an attempt to be insensitive, or to dismiss the importance of family or the need to be around for the birth of a child. It was simply a thought, based on the reasons I've presented both here and on Twitter, that would be logistically possible for Mr. Ramos to pull off. But instead, as is Twitter's modus operandi, it became a "let's all get offended and then piss and moan and whine" at the offender, as if he just ran over our dog or took our first born.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The 2014 Washington Redskins Will Be Pretty Damn Good. So Says Riiiiiiiich Turpin

By. Rich Turpin

This is my 3rd Annual pre-season/pre-draft predictions for your Washington Redskins. I nailed the Redskins 2012 record at 10-6 (pat on back), but was just slightly off with my prediction for last year's season, as I had the Skins going 12-4, and as we all know they went bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh and something. As always, this is for entertainment purposes only.

Week 1 @Houston
Other than opening up against the Jags, the Skins drew their second best case scenario to open the season. The Texans with a new coach and new Quarterback, make for an ideal match up against Jim Haslett's bend but break anyway defense. RG3 will show flashes of his 2012 rookie campaign, and put on a show in his college state. Redskins win 31-20. (1-0)

Week 2 Jacksonville
For the second consecutive week, the Redskins will most likely be facing a rookie passer. The Jaguars will be looking for a new identity now that MJD has left town, and Fred Durst and Limp Bizkit have been irrelevant for over 10 years now. About the only sure things left in Jacksonville now are incest, confederate flags in the back window of pickup trucks, and the Jaguars f**king sucking. The Redskins make easy work of the Jags, 34-14. (2-0)

Week 3 @Philly
See You In Week 3, Chip....
The Redskins were 0-6 in the NFC East in 2013, and I expect them to end that streak here in week 3. Although the Eagles won the division in 2013, I expect Chip Kelly to have a bit of a sophomore slump. Desean Jackson won't shine in his first trip back to the city of Brotherly Love since being outed as a "gang member", but the Redskins will prevail anyway 24-20. (3-0)

Week 4 NY Giants
In the Redskins first nationally televised game of the season, they welcome Eli Manning and the pesky G-Men. The G-Men were busy during free agency signing Domonique Rodgers-Cromartie, Walter Thurmond, and Robert Ayers. I expect their defense to be improved, but offensively
they're still limited at the run game and they have no legit threat opposite Victor Cruz. The Redskins prevail in a defensive struggle, 17-10. (4-0)

Week 5 Seattle
For the second consecutive week, the Redskins have a nationally televised game. So what does that mean? Most likely a lot of protests and guys like Bob Costas and Mike Wise telling us how racist we are! The last time the Redskins and Seahawks met, RG3 ended up in a crumpled mess, on the mess that is Fed Ex Field. This go around, RG3 will remain upright, but the Skins won't prevail against the tough defending Super Bowl Champs. 27-13, Seahawks. (4-1)

Week 6 @Arizona
After an emotional loss the week before, the Redskins will be looking to rebound against a surging Arizona Cardinals team. The Cardinals defense has become pretty solid, led by CB Patrick Peterson and newly acquired CB Antonio Cromartie. However, the Cardinals still have Carson Palmer running the show offensively, and offensive is how I would describe that. The Skins pick off Palmer 4 times in their 30-13 victory. (5-1)

Week 7 Tennessee
The Titans are another team who will be searching for a new identity in 2014, having released Pro Bowl RB Chris Johnson. And it appears Jake Locker is the front runner to be their opening day starting QB. I'd rather be shoved into a locker than face that rooting dilemma, but then again I'm not a Titans fan. This game won't be close. RG3 and DJ have their first big game together, Griffin throwing for 348 yards and 3 TDs, while Jackson goes 7-145-2. Redskins roll, 40-24. (6-1)

Week 8 @Dallas
Henry Melton was added to the Dallas defense that finished dead last in 2013, but they lost Demarcus Ware and Jason Hatcher. Cash strapped relative to the cap, Dallas is spread more thin than Jerry Jones expressionless face. Dallas is adequate on the offensive side of the ball, but the fact is, Tony Romo and Jason Witten are approaching 'past their prime' time. D-Hall, David Amerson, and Ryan Clark will all be recipients of errant Tony Romo passes, and the Redskins win 23-13. (7-1)

Week 9 @Minnesota
For the third time this season, the Redskins could be facing a rookie QB. However, neither of their prior opponents with a rook under center had a RB in the backfield with the skills of Adrian Peterson. The Redskins defense has shown throughout the year that they are not the unit they were in 2013, and they continue that trend holding AP to under 100 yards. The Skins in a blowout, 41-17. (8-1)

Week 10 BYE

Week 11 Tampa Bay
Lovie Smith didn't completely commit to QB Mike Glennon when he was hired in the off season, leaving the door open for a competition between Glennon and free agent signing Josh McCown. The Bucs did bolster their already sold defense with the additions of DE Michael Johnson and CB Alterraun Verner. This game is surprisingly competitive, but the Redskins outlast the Bucs thanks to a game saving INT from CB Tracy Porter. Redskins win 23-20. (9-1)

Week 12 @SanFran
This is easily the toughest road game of the season, as the 49ers have established themselves as one of the most consistent teams over the last few seasons. The Redskins are overwhelmed in this contest, as RG3 will look like the 2013 version of himself turning the ball over 3 times. The Redskins will have a humbling weekend in the Bay Area. 31-20, 49ers. (9-2)

Week 13 @Indy
In one of the most anticipated match ups between young QBs, Robert Griffin and Andrew Luck will meet for the first time in a regular season game. The Colts added D'Qwell Jackson and Arthur Jones to their defense, and former Giant Hakeem Nicks to their already solid receiving corp. But as far as I'm concerned, there will be no surprises here, as Griffin will out play Luck, in a game where Alfred Morris steals the show. 157 yards rushing and 2 TDs for Alf, as the Redskins win 29-21. (10-2)

Week 14 St Louis
For the 7,972nd consecutive time, the Redskins and Rams meet in the regular season. The Sam Bradford Era in St. Louis is approaching the inevitable end, as the former #1 pick hasn't done anything to achieve franchise QB status, let alone continue leading the Rams to obscurity year after year.  The Redskins win in a laugher, 37-17. (11-2)

Week 15 @NYGiants
Having already locked up the NFC East, the Redskins won't come out with much of a fight in this meaningless divisional tilt. The G-Men take advantage of the Redskins lack of effort, prevailing 24-14. (11-3)

Week 16 Philly
Desean Jackson didn't go gangbusters in the first meeting between these two teams, but that will all change here. D-Jax goes off for 7-198-2 and watches as D-Hall picks off Mark Sanchez to cap off the big win. Redskins cruise, 33-20. (12-3)

Week 17 Dallas
With many of the starters resting for the playoffs, the Cowboys will take advantage of a mostly second string edition of the 2014 Redskins. Redskins' backup QB Colt McCoy throws two pickles as the Cowboys go on to win, and celebrate the conclusion of their 5-11 season. (12-4)


Having clinched a first round bye, the Redskins will await the winner of the New Orleans Saints/Atlanta Falcons winner. The Skins will then go toe to toe with the Saints, winning in a shootout between RG3 and Drew Brees, 45-37. However, they will eventually fall short of a Super Bowl appearance, losing to the hated Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, 23-17.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Get Your Shit Together, Starbucks

Commentary by Mike Baxter

Its the little things in life that annoy me, and its the little things in life that probably annoy 99% of the population, as well. And on this glorious, rainy April morning, one of those annoying things reared its ugly head again.

For the record, I've had issue with this and have even made mention of this to Starbucks in the past through my @Sportsyack twitter account. So this isn't some new phenomenon, or some random rant I've decided to blog about today. I've had issue and made suggestions to these fuckers for probably three or more years now.

Nothing- and I mean NOTHING, is more fucking annoying than when I roll over to Starbucks at 7am on a random Tuesday or any day for that matter, and I'm waiting 10 fucking minutes, usually as just the 3rd or 4th person in line, because some house frow- who is in more need of a salad and a treadmill than the 1000+ calorie sausage egg and cheese croissant with a side of lard she's ordering- is holding up the line placing her god damn food order.

Now I'm not posting this to take a shot at or poke fun of fat people. They're entitled to wake up and roll over to Starbucks, and order as much "cottage cheese legs" creating horseshit food as they want. That's their god given right, or until at least the FLOTUS implements more food rules that everyone hates. But in any case, the customers ordering all this shit and holding up us coffee drinkers, are not the problem; Starbucks is.

Yep, Starbucks. The cult of personality coffee shop who apparently can't squeeze in an extra employee (or two) and an extra "Coffee Only" line, with the $14.9 billion they made in 2013, to focus on what put them at the top of the hipster food chain; coffee.

Consider your coffee drinkers, Starbucks. Consider the fact that that's why the majority of your customers are here in the first place. Consider that you've created a brand that when spoken, is immediately synonymous with coffee. Its not croissants, or egg McMuffins, or 600 calorie coffee cake, or wifi, or sitting around with your loser friends and discussing the deep meaning of the lyrics in Lorde's latest song, its the coffee, stupids.

So do all of us coffee drinkers a favor, and come off your big fat corporate wallets (wow, I'm starting to sound like a whiny liberal), and invest in another employee or two (and a "Coffee Only" line), so that your coffee customers don't have to spend 12 god damn minutes to conduct a transaction that should've taken 4.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Championship Sunday

New England (+4.5) at Denver
Which Picture is Tom Brady
 Hotter In? This One or.....
In the first of two Championship games in which I truly believe you could flip a coin to determine your ATS winner, I'm opting to go Team Hoodie/Team Uggs with the points. Before I even get to the fact that Brady owns Manning in their head to heads (11-4), and that Manning's post season record is sub .500, I'd like to examine pretty much everything that's happened since the Patriots and Broncos took the field to start the second half on that Sunday night in November. (when I was at a Pink concert)

The Patriots were down 24-0 to Denver at home to start the 3rd quarter, and counting the OT period which lasted almost the full 15 minutes, outscored Manning and the Broncos 31-7 from that point forward. I believe this to be a point that cannot be ignored, especially considering that New England turned the ball over on their first three drives and essentially handed Denver the 24 point lead. Over the course of the season, the Patriots finished with a (+9) turnover margin besting Denver's (0), as they gave the ball away 6 fewer times than Denver did.

In terms of scoring, New England is actually outscoring Denver since that 3rd quarter started that November night. The Patriots are averaging 33 points per contest to Denver's 30. And New England has outscored their opponents 33-19 over that span.

This game will come down to who doesn't turn the ball over, and if New England can keep the LeGarrette Blount train rolling. The guy has rushed for over 350 yards in New England's last two games, and if he's rolling today and you're seeing lots of Manning's forehead standing around on the sideline, those pot heads in Denver are going to watch their season of high hopes go up in smoke.

...This One???
I'll take my chances with Belichick's game planning versus that figure head, John Fox's. And don't sleep on the fact that (1) Denver allowed San Diego to stick around at the end in a game they were never really in last week and (2) I was never all in on killing Rahim Moore last year for letting Jacoby Jones get behind him in Denver's loss to Baltimore. Yeah, Moore f**ked up, but that play masked what was an absolute atrocious game by the before mentioned forehead. Three huge turnovers, including a pick 6, contributed considerably to Denver's 2nd round exit.

The numbers don't lie, folks. Peyton does tighten up on the big stage, especially when Brady and Belichick are on the other sideline. New England has scored 118 points in their last 3 games, and beat their opponents (Baltimore, Buffalo, and Indy) in those contests by an average margin of 39-16. Expect Brady and company to continue being a pain in Peyton's neck. 31-23 New England.

San Francisco at Seattle (-4)
Just One of The Many 12th Men
I started off this post bitching about (building in an excuse in case I go oh-fer) how both of these games are a toss up. And unlike my analysis on the first game, I'm going to lay this contest out very short and sweet and simple.

I'm not as in love with the 49ers as most of the rest of the country seems to be. I can't ignore their now 8 game win streak, and I also can't ignore what was total domination by them of the Panthers in the second half last weekend. However, I also can't ignore what I felt was a very fortunate first half for them last week in terms of officiating. San Francisco caught practically every break in the world, including a penalty that wasn't called that didn't even come up until TV rules official Mike Pereira pointed it out at halftime, and could've had a huge factor on the rest of the game. (too many men in the huddle, would've make a goal to go from the 6 and not the 1)

I also can't ignore, and what I'm going to put all of my eggs in while analyzing this contest, Seattle's impressive home record with (as douchey as its gotten to be with everyone talking about it) their 12th man. The Seahawks are 16-1 at home since the beginning of the 2012 regular season, including two absolute beat downs of their divisional foe 49ers (42-13 and 29-3).

The jig is up for 49er fan. The Niners are being asked to win their 4th straight game on the road (5 of their last 6), in arguably the hardest stadium in the NFL to play in as a visitor, and one they have not had recent success in. I like ugly, low scoring, and a game that Seattle eventually prevails in. 22-13 Seahawks.

Regular Season ATS Since '09                            188-148-12 (56%)

Norm Macdonald's opening monologue at the 1998 ESPY's. What a politically correct difference 16 years can make, considering the report that came out this week that ESPN was considering not using the name 'Redskins' during certain programming. Take count of the number of jokes Macdonald fires off here that wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of making it past the editors for the 2014 ESPY's telecast.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

NFL Week 17: Putting A Bow on a Ho Ho Ho Hum Year

For the final week of the season, I turned over prognosticating duties to The Legend. It was a rather disappointing season for yours truly. Lets face it, when you're a documented (and as Gary Koch once said, "better than most") 57% ATS since the start of the 2009 regular season-including a non LVH Contest year (unfortunately) in 2011, when I went 38-17-4 ATS (69%), going 50% ATS is unacceptable. Its a juice loser, and its as un-watchable and disgusting as some dope snapping his leg in half in one of those idiotic UFC matches.

So I truly do want to apologize to anyone who might've followed my picks to the letter. I can only say that I will try harder next year. And there will definitely be a next year. The Legend and I have already committed to the 2014 LVHSC and its $1,500 buy-in. So as they've said around Ashburn ever since Daniel Snyder bought your Washington Redskins, "we'll get them next year!"

The following 5 are The Legend's picks. And for the fuck of it, I picked every remaining game that he did not take. Please note, that although I finished .500, I did not have one single week where I won at least 4 games ATS. I had a lot of 3-2 and a couple 3-1-1 weeks, to offset the misery that was Week 2 (0-5 ATS). So if The Legend goes 4-1 or 5-0 this week, I will be crucified by him over electronic message, and I will be sure to share it with you on Monday or Tuesday.

The Legend's Five
Atlanta (+7)
Chicago (-4.5)....nice job Legend, picking this game prior to the Aaron Rodgers news, you dipshit...
NY Giants (-3.5)
Baltimore (+6)
Arizona (+1)
*Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*

Yack's Shits and Giggles Picks
Jax (+10.5) at Indy
Jags were boat raced by Colts in Week 4. But Jags have played better the second half of the season, and have now covered 4 of last 5. Heading into the last week of the season, Andrew Luck is still contending for NFL's goofiest laugh and ugliest gums award, and it will deter his focus in this one. 24-16 Colts.

NY Jets at Miami (-6.5)
The Flippers have won three of the last four between these two, including absolute beat downs in the last two. And with the playoffs on the line, no need to change that now. Rumor has it Richie Incognito will be giving a pre-game pep talk to his estranged team, that he's entitled "Let's Go Kick Their Asses, You Fucking Ni**ers, Cr**kers, and Fa**ots!!!!" 31-14 Dolphins.

Detroit at Minnesota (-3)
The Lions have lost 5 out of 6, and the head banging coach who hates stronger than usual post game hand shakes could be on his way out. AP is out, but don't be discouraged from this easy ATS winner. The Vikings have covered 6 of their last 8, included 3 straight ATS and SU wins at home. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Schwartzy. 29-23 Vikings.

Houston (+7) at Tennessee
I would feel guilty not to play the Texans this week, as they spent the entire 2013 f**king me like a 50 cent whore. And since I have only slightly more couth than Elliot Spitzer would have at a group home for troubled teenage women, I'm going back to the well for another piece of that Texans' ass. Don't look now, but these Texans who have lost 13 games in a row, last won a game when they played....24-23, Texans win a nail biter.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-7)
As much as it troubles me to bet against my adopted "second favorite team" while typing this from a stone's throw from downtown Cleveland, the Steelers have been one of the best teams ATS the second half of the season. And with a slight chance at post season play, they will lay the wood today to their hated divisional foe. The Big H.A.T. Nation has covered 6 of their last 7, including a 27-11 beat down of these Brownies in Cleveland a month ago. 26-14 Steelers.

Washington (+3) at NY Giants
RG3 is already in pre-production for a documentary that is set to be released the second week of next August. The working title is "All In For Preferential Treatment From My Owner". Kirk Cousins, in his final audition for one of the other 31 teams who eventually trades for him and then goes on to make the playoffs, keeps the Redskins hanging around in a game that pits two absolutely horseshit teams. Sidenote: next time someone wants to waste 10 minutes of your time telling you how an "elite Quarterback" is needed to win in the National Football League, tell them that a guy named Eli, whose won two rings in the last 6 years, currently has a 69.8 passer rating, which ranks worse than guys named Brandon Weeden and Matt McGloin. Shanahan goes out a winner (insert Jackie Martling laugh). 27-23 Redskins.

Buffalo (+7.5) at New England
The Patriots (somehow) with injuries up and down the field, and a bunch of no name players Tom Brady is throwing to, are a home win away from securing at least a 2 seed in the AFC playoff tournament. (Now tell me to go re-read what I just wrote about not needing an elite quarterback in the NFL, and then tell me to shove it up my stupid ass). Unfortunately for Pretty Boy Brady, he doesn't play run defense for the Pats, and you can expect Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller to murder (no pun intended, Pats fan) a Pats D that's yielding 130 yards+/per contest. 30-23 Patriots.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-11)
Remember when the Saints were many's pick to represent the NFC in the Snow Bowl in early February? Now they're a team who is bad day away from making tee times next weekend instead of playing post season football. No fear, N'Orleans. This game has boat race written all over it. After playing two tough road games against teams who can actually play defense, Drew Brees will have a field day against a  Bucs team who after showing some mid season life, has packed it in again. 44-23 Saints.

Denver (-10.5) at Oakland
Peyton Manning told Ron Burgundy during a Sportscenter interview this week, that he has done a pretty good job playing quarterback for a guy who doesn't have a mustache. On a side note, Kordell Stewart had a respectable career for a guy who had a beard. (He did have a beard, right? Or was that a goatee, I'm having trouble remembering). Question: Whose starting at QB for the Rai-duzz this week? Answer: Who gives a shit, who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter, I know whose starting for the Denver Broncos, and that dude can play. 38-17 Denver.

Kansas City at San Diego (-9.5)
Andy Reid is pulling his starters at halftime not because he wants to rest them for the playoffs next week, but because Chiefs' starting QB Alex Smith is a very good cook, and Reid wants Smith to make him some Turkey Mac and Fritters for Reid to eat in between the end of the 3rd Quarter and the start of the 4th. 27-6 Chargers.

St. Louis (+12) at Seattle
Hey Seattle, you've been crowned by virtually every talking head on the planet. You and that midget QB of yours might want to get back to scoring some points (16 points/per over their last 3 games).  I'll take Jeff Fisher (+12) over Pete Carroll 7 days a week and twice on football Sundays. 17-12 Suckhawks.

Philadelphia at Dallas (+6.5)
Philly gave up 48 points to a 4 win Vikings team two weeks ago. They also got stymied by this same Dallas team in Philly 8 weeks ago. Oh yeah, and LeSean McCoy was held to just 55 yards rushing in that 17-3 loss. The focus here should not be Tony Romo's injury. It should be that of two very average teams whose defenses absolutely suck (Philly 30th, Dallas 32nd), playing a win or go home game, and the home team is catching over a touchdown. Where do I sign up for easy money? Here, apparently. 26-24 Eagles.

Thanks for following along this year. The ATS picks will be back in September 2014. 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

NFL Week 16: Doing It Doggy Style

Minnesota (+7) at Cincinnati
Bungholes' punter Kevin Huber won't be sending a Christmas card to Steelers special teamer Terence Garvin this year. Unless, of course, the Christmas card says, "Best Wishes This Christmas Season, You Cocksucker. I Really Appreciate You Breaking My Fucking Jaw and Cracking My Vertebra. Eating-errrrrrrrrr, Drinking Liquid Foods From a Straw is About as Appealing as The Stank That Emits From The Crotches of 95% of The Steelers' Female Fan Base. I Hope You Get Your Dick Stuck in an Elevator Door or Something., You Asshole. Ho!Ho!Ho!"

The Bungholes will probably win this game, in fact, they will win this game. But this is entirely too many points against a team who has found their stride during the second half of the 2013 campaign. Here is the dilly-yo: the purple people eaters have covered 4 straight, 6 of their last 7, and they've scored 20 points or more in 8 straight games, which is the stat that I'm actually more impressed with. In fact, during that 8 game span, they're averaging 28.6 points per contest, which relative to season totals vs the rest of the league, would rank them 3rd. Not to go college football angle on you, but next week's tilt vs divisional foe Bal'more could be creeping in Marvin Lewis and the Bungholes minds already. 27-22 Bungholes.

Denver at Houston (+10.5)
I've lost so much money and so much ground in this stupid contest betting on Houston this year, that I've decided to bet on Houston again this week. On a side-note, I enjoy punching myself in the balls repeatedly, just for the fuck of it. (Does anyone recall my "NFL Game of The Year", the weekend I was in Vegas visiting The Legend? I do. I had to blow the cabbie just to give me a ride back to the airport.....#LostAllMyMoneyOnTheTexans)

Think of this as a game of roulette, and you see that the tote board has posted 12 straight reds (Texans losses). Black is due, right? And in this case, black represents a win or for what I'm concerned about, a win against the number. During Houston's 12 game slide into oblivion, the Toxins have been a 7 point dog or higher twice, and they've covered both times.

Here's the deal, folks. SI's Sportsman of The Year and his bucking Broncos, not only aren't going to win the Super Bowl, they're not even going to go. Their defense is shaky, and Peyton Manning's January stumbles cannot be ignored. However, just focusing on the last month; the Broncos have lost 2 of their last 4 straight up, and are giving up 28.5 points/per during that stretch. Houston is (+400) on the money-line. I'd pound the Toxins with the points, and make a second (smaller) wager on them on the ML. 30-28, maybe the Toxins pull off the upset. 

Dallas at Washington (+3)
There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park as of late, that Depends has offered to build an adult diaper around the entire facility. There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park lately, that RG3's Thanksgiving Day Dinner partner Dan Snyder just signed Roto Rooter on to be the official plumber of the Washington Redskins. There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park lately, that in 2 weeks or 2 months or 6 months, 19 different reporters and 95% of the (expert) Redskins fans, will all turn to the guy next to them, and although talking about completely different things, will say, "See, I told you so..."

Tony Romo is coming off another brilliant Tony Romo in December performance. Blowing a 26-3 lead at halftime, and then pissing that game away at the end like Dallas did was so bad on so many levels, that Jerry Jones was caught by Fox's cameras with a frown on his face. Or at least I think that's what his face was doing. That loss made it two straight losses for Dallas, and 5 losses out of their last 6 against the number.

An independent poll of West Virginia residents who are Redskins fans, showed that they'd prefer Kirk Cousins over RG3 as the future Redskins quarterback. But then again, most people from West Virginia do prefer Cousins.....(bada-bing). The underdog in this series is 23-8 ATS in the last 31 played between these two teams who both suck. I'll take my chances on the sucky team who also happens to be at home catching a field goal. 30-23 Washington.

Tennessee at Jacksonville (+5.5)
The Jags have covered and won straight up three of their last four tilts. So won't you join me in a flashback to last week, when I explained to you how easy the Steelers (+3) Sunday night was. Big H.A.T. Nation was a 5-4 team (now 6-4) since their atrocious 0-4 start, and had just lost a tough game at home to Miami. They were then back at home catching points against a divisional foe. Such an easy like Sunday night football winner, and it was.

So here we are, in a similar situation. The Jags are a 3-1 team over the last month, catching a descent amount of points at home against a divisional foe whom they already beat earlier this season. (remember when I said one of my angles is playing against the divisional team who won the first game between the two? Well, I'm going against it again #YackLogic)

I mean, call me crazy, and yeah I know Vegas isn't stupid, so spare me the "how do you think they built all those beautiful hotel/casinos?" speech, but the TITans have lost 5 of their last 6, and this line makes absolutely zero point zero sense. The Jags have won three of the last four these two have played in Georgia south. I like the team at home, getting points, who also happens to be riding the surge train right now. 24-19 Jaguars. 

Oakland (+10) at San Diego
Speaking of divisional match ups, consider these numbers; the last 9 match ups between these two teams have gone Chargers 5 wins, Raiders 4 wins. And over that span, the games have been decided by an average of 8.2 points. I like the Raiders here, who until last week's reaming they took at the hands of the Chiefs, have been competitive. Sure, this is loser talk and probably a loser angle considering the barely over .500 horseshit season I'm having, but the Raiders prior five games read: lose by 10, lose by 7, lose by 4, win by 5, and lose by 4. And I might add, 4 of those 5 games were on the road (like this one), so its not as if they roll over and die when away from the friendly confines of that insane asylum they play at.

The Chargers have been a weird team this year. One minute they show hope and look like they're one of a handful of teams to contend for spots 5 and 6 in the AFC, and the next minute their coach is calling 2 of 3 pass plays from 1st and goal from the half yard line, Redskins fan. And I can't lay my money on that nonsense.

The Raiduzz are 7-1 ATS in their last 8 following an ATS loss. Conversely, the Bolts are 2-8-1 ATS in their last 11 following a straight up win. I like lots of points, and I like the silver and black to stick around. 33-27 Bolts. 

Last Week                                                                 3-2 ATS
Overall Year To Date                                      37-36-2 ATS (51%)
Reg. Season ATS Since '09                     184-142-12 ATS (56.4%)

Follow along as 'Yack' pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*

Friday, December 13, 2013

NFL Week 15: It Took 14 Weeks, But I'm Finally At The Mendoza Line. Now What?

Jason Campbell's 2013 Passer Rating: 88.0
Robert Griffin The Third's: 82.2
Chicago at Cleveland (-1)
That popping sound you hear? The back field judge in the Browns/Patriots game last weekend, just now removing his dick from the Browns' collective ass. That pass interference call in the end zone, to set up the Patriots for a 1st and goal from the 1 and an improbable come back win was so bad, that Jeff Triplette just called for an internal affairs investigation.

Jay Cutler returns for the Bears after being on the shelf for 4 weeks. Jason Campbell will make his second start since returning from a concussion, induced from a shot to the head that was not called in the Browns/Steelers game. I'm not sure what games your officials are watching, Roger Goodell, but the officiating this year has been fucking abysmal. And the "bitchers" thought the replacement refs were bad....

Jason Campbell has played well in his role as the backup to the back up to Brian Hoyer. Whose on first, whose on second, you might ask? His 391 yard, 3 touchdown effort against the Patriots was all for naught because of the before mentioned ream job. But no fears, Browns fan. The Brownies get a defense this week,  that's even worse than the very much under the radar bad defense that's in New England, as da Bears come to town yielding almost 28 points/per, and (28th ranked) 382 yards/per. Not good. What is good, is a Cleveland defense that is ranked 7th overall, against a very average team from the Windy city. 24-20 Browns.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+5)
I'm playing the Vikings here for a couple of reasons. (1) Minnesota has actually been pretty descent over the last month. I broke this down quite eloquently in last week's post, as I had them as an easy ATS winner and should've had them as a money-line winner as well. (why do they call this gambling?). And (2) I'm still not sold on the current division leaders of the NFC Least. Yes, they've won 5 games in a row, but I'm not ready to crown a team whose Napoleon Dynamite phenom QB is due to shit the bed, on the road, laying a lot of points, against a Vikings team whose covered 5 of their last 6.

Besides, throw out last week's Blizzard Bowl against Detroit, and who have the Uggles beaten that's worth a flip (Colin)? West Coast to East Coast Arizona? Ok, descent win at home, but that's mixed in around awful Washington, awful Oakland, and an Aaron Rodgers-Less Packers' team. I'm not impressed. The Vikings have covered 6 straight in December. 27-24, somebody wins.

"I wonder if I have time to take a shit at halftime."
Kansas City (-4.5) at Oakland
Rumor has it that Andy Reid's pre-game meal will consist of 95% saturated fats, 5% shit that's actually good for you. The only problem with that equation, is that prior to stuffing the food into his fat face, Reid will pick off the 5% good shit, and give it to kicker Ryan Succop.

Speaking of Reid, he has seen this movie before- a playoff run in December and a game he must win against an inferior division opponent. I'll take the fat boy with his game manager quarterback, and his defense who is still only yielding 17 points per contest. Not to mention, and call me crazy Bronco fan, but a chance to pull into a tie with Denver (and still contend for the division title???), who by the way, has to finish their 2013 campaign on the road. Yes, those are games the Broncos should win, but did anyone see their "10 point favorites" performance at home Thursday night? I guess the Chargers are a little better than the Titans, huh, Peyton?

Oakland has nothing, having lost 5 of their last 6. And don't sleep on the Chiefs' role as road warriors, covering 5 of their last 6 away from Arrowhead. 22-13 Chiefs.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (+3)
Unlike the previous divisional game I just broke down, I'm getting my chips in the middle with the home dog in this divisional tilt. Not just because Big Ben and Side Steppin' Mike have some pride on the national stage, but because (1) The Bungholes are 0-2 SU and 0-2 ATS this year on the road vs divisional opponents, and (2) I'm a big fan of playing the divisional team who lost the last time the two teams played. (That's one of my secret angles.... Except of course in the KC/Oak game this week......)

The Steelers are a 5-4 team since their atrocious 0-4 start. So just focus on that for a minute. They're a "5-4 team"- at home, against a divisional opponent they lost to in week 2, and the Steelers are coming off a tough home loss. When presented that way, I'm taking the Steelers plus points seven days a week and twice on Sunday nights at 8:30 pm Eastern.

The Steelers are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 games overall, and 4-1 ATS in their last 5 against the AFC North. Give that girlfriend a congratulatory slap on her fat ass, and fire up a menthol, Steelers fan. Its Terrible Towel Time, bishes! Ruff-Ruff, 23-19 Steelers.

Baltimore at Detroit (-6)
If the Lions don't get their heads out of their collective asses, head coach Jim Schwartz will find himself pulling roadie duty for one of those awful heavy metal bands he listens to on his iPod. The PUSSY cats have now lost 3 of their last 4, and appear to be in typical Detroit Lion shit the bed mode. Not so fast, you cynical cocksucker, Yack. This game is going to be a Monday Night beat down.

Don't think I haven't been watching you, Raven fan. While most of the MSM and talking heads are pimping you as the "team nobody wants to play in round 1" or that "here comes the Ravens", I've watched you pull rabbits out of your ass and/or lose SU, for virtually the entire season. I'm not buying that horseshit for one minute. And this is a very, very bad match up for the Charm City Crowes.

Besides the fact that the Lions are on that 3 of last 4 slide (due factor), Detroit gets back home to the friendly confines of their climate controlled (and fast track) dome, and not that debacle I attempted to watch on TV last week in Philly. And I hate a lot of the match-ups for the Crowes here.

Baltimore cannot run the ball (29th), and conversely the Lions defense is 6th against the run. Maybe Joe Flacco will have to go back to those gimmicks he was bitching about a few weeks back, because Baltimore will get nothing on the ground this week. And as far as Matthew Stafford is concerned,  I like the helter skelter antics of that gunslinger. Yeah, he gets erratic at times, but he's commanding the 3rd best pass attack in the league against what is an average Baltimore pass D. Lastly, that line looks fishy "big", which I think will entice most of the uninformed betting public to get down on Bal'More. Bad bet, suckers. 45-17 Lions, in a track meet.

Last Week                                                      3-2 ATS
Overall Year To Date                           34-34-2 ATS (50%)
Reg. Season ATS Since '09          181-140-12 ATS (56.3%)

Follow along as 'Yack' pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*