Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Legend Chronicles, Part 1: We're Officially in For The 2015 Contest

We're quickly approaching the 2015 NFL campaign, and yours truly and The Legend will be taking our 3rd stab at achieving NFL handicapping nirvana. I was informed today, via email, that The Legend went down to the Las Vegas Hilton, aka, The Westgate Sportsbook, and ponied up our $1,500 entry fee. This news was delivered to me in typical Legend fashion, with cuss words and insults of me, my father, and my uncle. His emails, along with our weekly 5 ATS picks, will be chronicled here for your reading pleasure. Viewer Discretion is Advised.

The Players:

Yack- me. 0-2 with The Legend in the contest. WSOP casher. Sometimes caller to The Junkies. Member of the infamous Corner Club.
The Legend- retired something or other, friend of my father, uncle, and me- I guess, and lifelong LA Dodgers fan.  He once knocked out the Pittsburgh Parrot at Three Rivers Stadium, and somehow was not arrested.
The Fat Man, aka, Fat Fuck- nickname given to my father by The Legend. For what it's worth, my father is 5'11", 193 lbs. Not exactly a "fat fuck", especially for a guy in his 60s whose in pretty good health.
Uncle Dummy, aka, Cement Head- my uncle, my father's younger brother. He's not dumb and his head is not made of cement. In fact, a very successful electrician/foreman. The Legend looks down on "blue collars".
Judge Patrick- my younger, funnier brother, and sometime contributor to the blog and Twitter one liners. He said of Twitter three years ago, "I fucking hate it. It's the official death of Western Civilization." He hasn't had a Twitter account in 3 years.

Legend's Email dated July 14th, 2015:


   We are now officially registered for the westgate football super contest.  Our alias is ‘’THE YACK’’……..just a couple of points I wish to bring to ur attention… first it is like a baseball game three strikes and ur fuckin OUT…. Even being the nephew of uncle ‘’dummy’’ u can figure out what I am talking about… second I don’t want u to tap out in week 6/7 like u elected to do so last year, u acted like a beaten down bitch slapped pussy….. and most importantly this year I firmly expect u wear ur ‘’BIG’’ boy pants and do well in the contest.  If u don’t have any ‘’BIG’’ boy pants u cud always borrow a pair from the ‘’FAT’’ man.  Best of luck to us……


Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Slider Cup Weekly Standings, Bonus Money Update, and Golfers Used


Judge P                               2267
G-Moore                              2538
MVP                                     2570
N. Scalise                             2592
K-Mac                                  2666
Bak9Boyz                             2824
JB                                         2826
Brad P.                                 3089        
B-Malloy                               3128
Yack                                     3262
T-Mac                                   3515                
Bird                                       3621


Tournament                         Bonus Winner               Amount
Hyundai                                 B. Malloy                           $11
Sony                                      T. Bone                             $11
Humana                                 Bak9Boyz                         $11
Waste Mgmt.                         Brad P./MVP                    $5/$5
Farmers Insurance                B. Malloy                           $11
AT&T Pebble Beach             Brad P.                              $11
Northern Trust                       Bird                                   $11
Honda Classic                       Bak9Boyz                          $11
WGC Doral                           N.Scalise                           $22
Valspar                                  B. Malloy                           $11
Bay Hill                                 JB                                       $11
Valero Texas                        G. Moore                            $11
Shell Houston                       N. Scalise                           $11
Masters                                 T-Bone                               $33
RBC                                      T-Bone                              $11
Zurich                                   Judge P                              $11
WGC Matchplay                   MVP                                   $22
The Players                          K. Mac                                $11
Wells Fargo                          Bak9Boyz                           $11
Crown Invitational                 Brad P.                               $11
Byron Nelson                        Judge P.                             $11
The Memorial                        MVP                                   $11
St. Jude                                Judge P.                             $11
US Open                              N. Scalise                           $33
Travelers                              N. Scalise                           $11
Greenbrier                            MVP                                   $11
John Deere                           Brad P.                               $11
British Open                         Judge P.                              $33
RBC Canadian                    Judge P.                              $11


                        GOLFERS USED THRU RBC CANADA
                       (golfers listed alphabetically)

JB: Bae, BradleyBowditchCabreraCasey, Chappell, deJonge, Donald, Donaldson , Finau, Fleetwood, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia, Grace, Haas, Henley, M. Hoffman,  Holmes, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, M. Jones, Kirk, Knox, Koepka, Kokrak, Laird, Lee, Leishman, Lingmerth, Mahan, Matsuyama, Mickelson, Molinari, Na, R. Moore, Oostey, Ogilvy, O'Hair, Palmer, Reed, Rose, Scott, Schwartzel, Senden, Snedds, Speith, Steele, Stenson, Streb, Suh, Thomas, Tringale, Vegas, Watney

KMac: S.M. Bae, Bowditch, Bradley,  Casey, B. Davis, Day, deJonge, DeLaet, Donald, Donaldson, Els, English, Finau, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia, Harrington, C. Hoffman, M. Hoffman, Holmes,  Horschel, Z. Johnson, Jones, Kirk, Koepka, Knox, Kuchar, Laird, Langley, Lee, Leishman, Mahan, Martin, Matsuyama, Mickelson, Molinari, Na, Ogilvy, Oostey, Palmer, Poulter, Reed, Schwartzel, Scott, Singh, Snedds, Speith, Stallings, Steele,  J. Thomas, Todd, Vegas, Walker, Woodland

Bak9Boyz: Bae, Bowditch, Bradley, Casey, Choi, Day, deJonge, DeLaet, Donald, Donaldson, V. Dubbs, Dufner, Finau, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia, Grace, Haas, Hadley,  Hearn, Henley, Hoffman, Holmes, Horschel, Jacobson, D. Johnson, M. Jones,  Kirk, Koepka, Laird, Lee, Lowery, Martin, Matsuyama, McIlroy, Mickelson, R. Moore, Na, Ogilvy, O'Hair, Ortiz, Palmer, Rodgers, Sabbatini, S.Y. Noh,  Schwartzel, Scott, Simpson, Steele, Stricker, Thomas, Thompson, Vijay, Walker

Yack:  Bae, Bubba, Bowditch, Bradley, Casey, B. Davis, Day, deJonge, DeLaet, Donald, Dufner, Els, English, Every, Garcia, D. Hearn, C. Hoffman, Holmes, Horschel, Howell, F. Jacobson, D. Johnson,  Kisner, Kokrak, Kuchar, Lee, Leishman, Levin, Mahan, B. Martin, Matsuyama, McIlroy, Oostey, Ortiz, Palmer, P. Perez,  Putnam, Rose, Sabbatini, Schwartzl, Scott, Speith, Steele, Stenson, Stricker, Stroud, Summerhays, Vegas, Walker, Westwood, Woods

Judge P: Bowditch,  Bradley, Bubba, Casey, GF Castano, Day, deJonge, DeLaet, Donald, Finau, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia, Grace, Henley, C. Hoffman, Horschel, Howell 3, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, Kirk, Kisner, Koepka, Kokrak, Kuchar,  Laird, Leishman, Matsuyama, G-McDowell, McIlroy, F. Molinari, R. Moore, Oostey, Ogilvy, Palmer, Poulter, Reed, Romero, Rose, Sabbatini,  Schwartzel, Scott, Senden, Simpson, Snedds, Speith, Steele, Streelman, Stefani, Stenson, Vegas, Villegas, Walker, Westwood, Woodland

T-Bone: Allenby, Barnes, Bradley, Bubba, P. Casey, T. Clark, Day, deJonge, Donald, Dufner, Els, English, Furyk, Garcia, Goosen, Haas, Harrington, JJ Henry, Hoffman, JB Holmes, Immelman, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, Koepka, Leishman, Matsuyama, Merrick, F. Molinari, R. Moore, Ogilvy, O'Hair, Oostey, R. Palmer, Perez,  Poulter, Reed, Rose, Sabbatini, Schwartzel, Senden, Simpson, V.Singh, Speith, Stenson, Villegas, Walker, Weekley, Westwood, Woods

Bird: A. Badds, Beljan, Blixt, Bowditch, K.Bradley, Bubba, Cabrera,  Cejka, Day, deJonge, Donald, Dubisson, Dufner, English, Every, Fowler, Garcia, Haas, Hearn, Henley, Henry, C. Hoffman, Holmes, Horschel, Immelman, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, Kaymer, Knox, Koepka, Kuchar, Laird, Leishman, Matsuyama, McGirt,  Mickelson, F.Molinari, R. Moore,  O'Hair, C. Ortiz, Oostey, R. Palmer, Pettersson,  Reed, Rose, Simpson, V. Singh, Snedeker, Speith, Steele, Stenson, Thomas, Vegas, Villegas

Brad P: S.M. Bae, Bubba, Choi,  Day, deJonge, Donald, English, Finau, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia,  Grace, Haas, Holmes, C.Howell3, F. Jacobson, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, Karlson, Kaymer, Kisner, Koepka, Kokrak, Kuchar, Laird, Lee, Lingmerth, Mahan, Matsuyama, G. McDowell, McIlroy, F. Molinari, Na, Noh, Ogilvy, Palmer, J. Peterson, Poulter, Reed, Rose, Sabbatini, Singh, Snedds, Speith, Stenson, Streelman, Stricker, Thomas, Walker, Westwood, Woods

MVP:  Bae, Berger, Bowditch, Bubba, Casey, Day, deJonge, DeLaet,  Donald, Donaldson, Fowler, Grace, F. Jacobson, Haas, Hadley, Hearn, C. Hoffman, Holmes, Horschel, D. Johnson, Kisner, Knox, Koepka, Kuchar, Laird, Lingmerth, Mahan, Matsuyama, Z. Johnson, Mickelson, R. Moore, Na, Ogilvy, O'Hair, Owen, R. Palmer, Perez, Poulter, Reed, Rose, Senden, Sergio, Simpson, Speith, Steele, Stenson, Stricker, J. Thomas, Walker, Westwood, Willett, Woodland

GMoore: Bradley, Bubba, Casey, Cjeka, T. Clark, deJonge, DeLaet, Donald, Donaldson, English, Furyk, Garcia, Goosen, Grace, Haas, Holmes, Horschel, Huh?, F. Jacobson, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, M. Jones, Kirk, Knox, Koepka, Kokrak,  Kuchar, Laird, Leishman,  Matsuyama, McIlroy,  Mickelson, R. Moore, Molinari, Na, Ogilvy, O'Hair, Oostey, Palmer, Poulter, Reed, Sabbatini, Schwartzel, Scott, Senden, Simpson, Snedds, Speith, Stefani,  Stenson, Thomas, Todd, Walker, Weekley

BMalloy: Bae, Bowditch, Bradley, Bubba, Casey, Choi, T. Clark,  Day, DeLaet, Donald, Dubuisson, Every, Fowler, Garcia, Haas, C. Hoffman, Holmes, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson, C. Kirk, Kisner, Knox, Koepka, Kuchar, Laird, Leishman,  Lowery, Mahan, Matsuyama, G. McDowell, Merritt, Molinari, R. Moore, Oostey, O'Hair, Owen, R. Palmer, Poulter, P. Reed, Rose, Sabbatini, Schwartzel, Scott, Simpson, Sneddeker, Speith,  Stenson, Streelman, J. Thomas, Walker, Watney, Westwood, Woodland

N.Scalise: Baddelay, Bae, Bohn, Bowditch, Bradley, Bubba, Casey, Cjeka, T. Clark, Day, Donald, Finau, Fowler, Furyk, Garcia, Harman, Hearn, M. Hoffman, Holmes, F. Jacobson, D. Johnson, Z. Johnson,  M. Jones, Koepka, Kuchar, Laird, Leishman, Matsuyama, McIlroy, Mickelson,  Molinari, Oostey, Ogilvy, O'Hair, R. Palmer, Poulter, Reed, Romero, Sabbatini, Schwartzel, Scott, Senden, Simpson, Speith, Steele, Stefani, Stenson, Streb, Snedds,  J. Thomas, Todd, Villegas, Watney, Woodland

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Thoughts on the Super Bowl and Other Stuff

By. Mike Baxter, with some one line contributions from Judge Patrick

Professor Yack's Prognosticating Mood Lately
Another dreadful season of picking winners has thankfully come to an end ( FYI, I started writing this post the first week of January), with yours truly (and The Legend) failing to even hit the 50% mark ATS for the second season in a row. After finishing the 2013 campaign one game under .500 in the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest-now referred to as the Westgate Las Vegas Resort Super Contest, which for what its worth, doesn't sound as cool- the 2014 campaign was an even bigger abortion.

It got so bad that I opted to punt on the blog not even halfway through the season. I was so frustrated in my ability to be on the right side, that I shamed myself into a corner and took my pen and paper with me. In fact, the last time I wrote a piece on this two bit website was back in November, when I predicted that the Redskins would go on a late season run and make the playoffs.

God, am I dumb.

And the irony about that piece, is that swing and miss of a blog-post, just about sums up my prognosticating skills over the last two NFL seasons.

Until now, where I'm going to attempt to predict the Grand Poobah of the NFL- the league that continues to make hand over fist money, despite one PR nightmare after another, while being led by Roger "I never saw the tape, nothing to see here" Goodell.

"You said, 'balls'. Huh-huh-huh-huh..."
Take for instance Deflategate. (Yeah, I bet you want another opinion on this story like you want genital warts.)  Ok, everyone wants to point the finger at Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and maybe they did have something to do with the balls- huh-huh...huh-huh- being deflated. But at this point, who gives a shit? The real problem is that that can be done in the first place.

You mean to tell me that with all the billions of dollars the NFL is making off of ass hats like myself, and the millions of dollars that the before mentioned red head commissioner makes, that the NFL can't employ some other ass hat to watch and monitor the balls-huh-huh...huh-huh- for each game??? You know, like pay another official to have all the balls with him from the time he arrives at the stadium until the time he leaves???

And if you need one guy for each team's sideline, then so be it, hire two extra guys to do this job. All this, "the Patriots balls were 11.5 psi and the Colts balls were 12.5 psi" is bullshit! I mean, are you kidding me, Roger?!?!

How does each team have their own game balls in the first place?

Here, NFL, I'm going to solve this in one sentence: Get two extra officials, have them bring 20 or 24 balls to the stadium, divide the balls in half, and be done with it. None of this, "Well, the NFL checks the balls 2.5 hours before kickoff, and then that's it." I mean, come on. Its so fucking dumb, and I've had to listen to this nonsense for two weeks now. Enough already.

A quick review of things and some observations, before I break down the Super Bowl.

*As I mentioned. The Legend and I are now 0-2 in our two attempts at cashing in the Westgate Las Vegas Resort Super Contest. It was a dreadful season, but nobody was catching the guy who posted an astonishing 64-20-1 ATS record, to take home $600,000+. That's an absurd 76.1% ATS, for those of you counting at home. Better luck to us next year, right Legend? Sidenote: WE do have New England to win today, a wager that The Legend put down back in August, $1000 at 7/1. (unfortunately for US, I'm not "feeling it". More on that in a minute....)

*"American Sniper" is an awesome movie, period. Its not propaganda, its not Democrat vs Republican. Its 2.5 hours of a compelling, interesting look at what this guy went through during his 4 war zone tours. My apologies to Seth Rogan and his piece of shit "The Interview" movie that I spent $6 on, and I'm sorry your movie studio Sony is run by a bunch of pussies, which all but torpedoed that piece of shit movie in the first place. Now having said that, you and Michael Moore can go fuck yourselves.

Not to continue Kevin McCarthy on you, but "Boyhood" sucked, and is completely overrated- I thought I was watching a Lifetime movie, and "Whiplash" is unbelievably good. J.K. Simmons' character in "Whiplash" makes the Gunnery Sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket" look like a choir boy.

*I see Bruce Jenner will be featured in a documentary that will cover his "life transformation". That should be neat. Also neat, is probably the state of mind of those two girls he had with Kris Jenner. Lets see, their big (assed) sister Kim got famous for crushing an anaconda in a video that went viral, their mom has essentially been whoring out the entire family since they were in grade school, and now their dad is going to chronicle his transformation from a man into a woman, on national television. Speaking of prognosticating, I predict lots of coke, STD tests, and therapy for those two Jenner girls.

In fact, see if your man will take a 3 team parlay on Kylie Jenner: coke arrest, gang bang video gone viral, and unmarried and pregnant by a rapper, all by the age of 22. Take that money to the bank!

*Jayson Werth checked into a Fairfax County jail this weekend to begin his 5 day sentence for driving like a horse's ass on the Capital Beltway last summer. Werth was clocked doing 105 mph by a Virginia State Trooper, which was ironic, since "105" is about what he hit in last October's NLDS loss against the Giants. You remember that series, where basically Bryce Harper and Anthony Rendon showed up, and guys like the "Werewolf of London" himself looked like a little leaguer during those four games, and then he couldn't even talk to reporters following the dismal performance.

Compound that with the mind boggling decision to wait until early January to have shoulder surgery (Werth claims that he started feeling pain in an off season workout, but the facts are that he was having problems with that shoulder in August, and in fact missed a week of play because of it) that takes 3 months to rehab from, and this Nats fan has a real case of the ass.

John Feinstein says that Werth is one of the least likable athletes in the history of D.C. sports, and there are not too many times when I agree with things that come out of Feinstein's mouth. But I'm with the name dropper on this one.

"Do I make you horny?"
*Finally, if you want to read a story about a 69 year old senior news reporter for 60 Minutes texting his 41 year old mistress that he's "too old and sick to jerk off" and other neat love messages, read the New York Post story from yesterday. Also, you got to love the main stream media trotting out a guy who shares cigarettes with the President- a man he refers to as "Barry"- to deliver those hard hitting interviews.

Seattle (Pick'em) vs New England
I'm not going to take up too much more of your time, or space in this precious cyberspace. I'm not really into snark and awe, so I'll cut to the chase. Defense and run game win football games. Its been that way forever in the National Football League. And for the 2014 campaign, the Seattle Seahawks were numero uno in both of those categories- as in, of the 32 NFL teams in the entire league, the Seahawks were first in total defense, and first in total rushing offense.

I don't expect a total blowout like last year's debacle, as I'll give Tom Brady a slight advantage over Peyton Manning, and John Fox isn't even in the conversation with Bill Belichick. So don't expect a 43-8 beat down like last year's big game. But Seattle's defense is like gang busters, chatty Marshawn Lynch can run wild, and let me go on record and tell you that Russell Wilson could not possibly play any worse than he did two weeks ago against Green Bay in the NFC Championship Game. And Seattle still won.

New England is not great away from Foxboro. They were a very ho hum (considering they're AFC Champions) 4-4 ATS on the road, including two absolute ass kickings they took at the hands of Kansas City (Top 10 run team) and Miami (12th in league, total rushing). I think Seattle's defense gets to a not very mobile Tom Brady, I think the Pats will put those deflated balls on the ground a couple times, and I think its back to back Lombardi Trophies for the Pacific Northwest.

Legend, I apologize to US both in advance. Seahawks, 26-16.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Two Road Wins in San Fran and Indy, and Its On To The Playoffs!

By. Mike Baxter

Sports are supposed to be fun. Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of sports taking its proverbial cock and shoving it up my ass. Hence the reason I've opted not to post my ATS picks since Week 5. (22-28 ATS thru 10 weeks in the LVHSC)

It got so bad that I even had The Legend pick two weeks, so yeah, I'm a quitter too. Kind of like the 1,3, and 4 hitters on the Nats during the first week of October. (That's a whole another "sports" story in my life, that required 4 therapy sessions and a Tuesday night bender with two prostitutes and a three fingered midget)

But in any case, sports is supposed to be fun and entertaining- something that takes us away from the normal day to day activities of tweeting, poker, and tweeting. And although most of the DMV has punted on our Washington Redskins 2014 season, I've found a glimmer of hope, like a flop that completely missed me, but one that I'm going to float, because I'm taking this bitch down on the river.

Coach Jay Gruden recently said that this team was a few plays away, or some shit like that, from being 7-2. And although I think this is a bit of a stretch, I would say that 5-4 is more like it, and you don't have to look any further than their last game.

The Redskins should've beat Minnesota, period, end of story. For one, RG3 played a lot better than myself or most of the DMV probably expected him to play after his injury layoff. He made some very good throws and made at least one unbelievable play with his feet. The Redskins dominated the first half, and be it not for that late first half, awful fucking pass he threw, the Redskins would've won that game EASILY. The difference between going into halftime up 10-0 versus 10-7, especially in the manner in which 10 to 7 got there, was like night and day. Which is why I questioned all the MMQBs who killed Jim Haslett for that one, but whatever...

The second game I'd make a case for is Week 3 at Philly. Kirk Cousins throws for 427 yards (which, oh by the way, everyone punting on him already...hold off...) and your offense scores 34 points, you have to win the fucking game!!!! And you CANNOT give up 100 yard kick off returns for touchdowns! So yeah, I'm making a strong case that they could've won that game.

So I'd say they're a 5-4 "type" team, who could've beat the current division leader on the road, and who DID go into the division leader's (at the time) house on Monday Night Football, and punched them right in their stupid, botoxed faces.

So the Redskins have proven that they can play with 7-2 and 7-3 type teams, and they did this without their starting Quarterback. And now they have their starting Quarterback back, for the late season, playoff run.

First things first, the Redskins will pummel the Fuccaneers this weekend at Fed Ex. The Fucs have scored 17 points or less for 4 straight weeks. They've had a merry go round at the Quarterback position, and not because of injury. Their defense is 31st against the pass, and if you were somewhat impressed with RG3's first week back from injury, he should get his grove back in a big way this Sunday. I didn't play the Redskins in the Hilton contest (listen, I'm not that fucking crazy...), but I most likely will lay the 7 and pound them with my man come 12:45 Sunday afternoon.

So we've established that the Redskins will be 4-6 going into the two crucial games of this late season run. And here we go:

They can beat Frisco in Frisco, and I'm actually confident that they will. The 49ers are not who we thought they were, Mr. Green. There is coaching change chatter, they've had off the field issues, and they're not the juggernaut of a team that they were a couple years ago. Statistically, they're ranked 20th on offense and 2nd on defense, but defensively, they're still yielding almost 23 points/per. If the Redskins protect the football AND their special teams does not shit the bed, they will win this game going away. Mark my word.

Next week's game is not going to be as "easy". The only thing I'll say is that the Redskins will be riding a two game winning streak, including an impressive roadie at Frisco. So their confidence- especially Griffin's, will be high.  And I think playing indoors and on the turf might be to the Redskins advantage. Listen, I'm not Rich fucking Turpin, as I don't sleep in my burgundy and gold colored glasses, but Griffin to D-Jax a few times, could equate to as gratifying a win as Monday night in Dallas was a few weeks ago.

As far as how they'll contain that Luck guy, uhh, blah-blah-blah-blah...bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh. Or in other words, lets hope Jim Haslett draws up a game plan similar to that Monday night game.

So now the Redskins are 6-6 with 4 games to play. Those 4 games include 3 home games against St. Louis, Dallas, and Philly- obviously, under the scenario I've presented in this post, all games they must win. Their lone roadie during this stretch is at the Giants, which is no walk in the park, but one in which they can and must win to complete the late season run, finishing with a 10-6 record.

As far as getting into the playoffs is concerned, they will do so by virtue of winning the division. They will have beaten Dallas twice, who ultimately will be 8-8 (see their schedule after this week's bye). And looking at Philly's schedule, they could easily lose 4-5 of their remaining 7 games, to finish 10-6 or 9-7.

For one, they have Mark Sanchez under center for the rest of the way. I realize he's got playoff pedigree, but he's still Mark Sanchez. And their schedule includes this week's tilt at Green Bay (which they'll lose), two games against Dallas (they'll split), and games against Seattle in Philly (Redskins fans will be HUGE Seahawks fans this day), at Washington (loss), and at NY Giants.

So there it is. Two huge roadies that can make or break the season. And if by some chance they were to win them both, they WILL win the division and get a home playoff game against either Seattle, Green Bay, or Detroit. Keep the faith, Redskins fan. Runner-runner flush is doable.

Friday, October 3, 2014

NFL Week 5: Vegas Week

Because I'm tired of taking it on the chin as a prognosticator, and because I'm busy doing other shit in preparation for my 5 days in Sin City starting this weekend, I'm not going to give much "insight" into this week's picks. In fact, I've officially gone to the bullpen and have had my partner in crime, and the ass hat I'll be hanging with this weekend- The Legend- pick two of the five games for me. In any case, the Yack (dick-ish third person "speak") is on a cooler, and needs back up quickly. "Legend.....?!?!?"

Chicago (+2.5) at Carolina
Jay Cutler or L.A. Realtor?
The Panthers are starting an un-drafted rookie at running back this week. My brain has started a bunch of un-drafted brain cells through the first 4 weeks of this season, as I've struggled to an 8-12 ATS record. Jay Cutler is tied for second in the entire league with 10 TDs thrown. He also looks exactly like one of those gay real estate agents on "Million Dollar Listing L.A". And when I say gay, word police, I say it because the guy is really gay, as in he's a homosexual.

Da Bears are 0-2 at home and 2-0 on the road. Carolina's once bend but don't break defense is currently 24th in total yards allowed and 17th in points allowed. Not to mention their offense is bottom 7 in both yards and points per game. Jay Cutler stakes his claim, and puts his sign in the yard on the road again. SOLD BY JAY! 19-14 Bears.        

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville (+6)
Danny Smith's punter "booted" a 29 yard punt last week to put the previously win less Buccaneers in primo starting position, just prior to their go ahead touchdown. Following the Special Teams blunder and subsequent chok-errrrrr, losing of the game, Smith told reporters, "For a moment there, I thought I was back in Washington." And for Redskin fan, whose team has had an interesting 4 weeks doing that Special Teams thing, it was "right back at ya, Danny!"

Pittsburgh's Steel Curtain is now 21st in the league in points allowed through 4 weeks. And as a whole, the Steelers are being outscored 73-41 in the second half of games played this year. I don't think the Steelers are very good, and at some point Blake Bortles and the Jacks are going to keep a game close. The Steelers are 3-8-1 ATS in their last 12 as a road favorite. Martigale the dog piss out of the Jacks until they cover, and let's hope "until" comes this Sunday. 23-20 Steelers.

Baltimore at Indy (-3.5)
Although the Ravens have had an interesting first few weeks of the season with all the Ray Rice news, the only drama surrounding Andrew Luck is how long he'll let his neck hair grow, and if he'll spout off that trademark goofy laugh of his at post game pressers.

The Colts are 4-0 ATS at home in their last 4 home contests vs a team with a winning record. Baltimore is not that good, IMO. They lost at home to the only good team they've played thus far (Cincy), and getting the Colts in this spot is not exactly awful Pittsburgh on a short week with travel (Week 2) or last week at home vs a beat up Carolina team. HUH-HUH-HUH-Giggle-Giggle-HUH-HUH-HUH-Giggle-Giggle. Colts 31-23.

Tampa at New Orleans (-10)
I must've missed the memo regarding the New Orleans Saints and Drew Brees sucking, because I'm not really sure what I was watching last Sunday night in Dallas. 1-3 through 4 weeks, and Saints fans are Jonesing for the days of bounties and Sean Payton rummaging through the team doctor's office for pills.

The Saints have won 5 straight tilts between these two, which includes the last 3 played in N'Orleans. Those 3 games included 2 games which saw the Saints post at least a 40 piece on the scoreboard, with the average margin of victory being 25 points. I'll give you Mike Glennon, and I'll take Drew Brees. Fair? Don't break out those paper bags quite yet, Saint fan.  36-21 Saints.

Buffalo at Detroit (-7)
Kyle Orton was named the starter this week in Buffalo. Bad news for him and his teammates is that they have a date with the NFL's #1 ranked defense. Yep, Lion fan, you're allowing the fewest yards per game (267.3 yards/per), and the 4th lowest points per (15.5). Ndamukong Suh has been so impressed with how the Lions entire unit has come together, that he hasn't had to step on anyone's head yet, after the whistle blows.

The Bills are 0-6 ATS in their last 6 roadies vs a team with a winning record. Megatron should be a go following some ankle issues, and he is primed to go 9-172-2. The NFC North might be the most interesting and competitive division in football this year, and like my boy D. Green, I like the Lions. 31-17 Detroit.

LAST WEEK                                                        1-4 ATS
YTD                                                                   8-12 ATS (40%)
Reg. Season Since '09                          196-160-12 ATS (55%)

Follow along as we pursue excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

NFL Week 4: Yo, Give Me My ATS Winners, Bitch!

NY Giants at Washington (-3.5)
Word on the street is that the Special Olympics is filing a trademark complaint against the Redskins for using the name "Special Teams" when describing their players who handle kickoffs, punts, field goals, and extra points. Through 3 weeks of the 2014 campaign, their "Special" Special Teams unit have missed an extra point (along with New Orleans, the only other team to have failed to convert one this year), given up a 102 yard kickoff return for a touchdown, had a punt blocked that was returned for a touchdown, and in last week's 3 point loss to Philly (which included before mentioned KO return), kicker Kai Forbath missed a chip shot, 33 yard field goal. Not to mention they're DFL statistically in yardage yielded on kickoffs and bottom 10 in yardage yielded on punt returns.

But whatever you say, Mike Wise....The pressing problem at the moment for the Washington Redskins is Kirk "5 Career Starts" Cousins' inability to close games. That's on the journalistic level with the reporter who after being assigned to cover the sinking of the Titanic, opted to go with the headline: Cruise Ship's Bathroom Exhaust Fans Were Inoperable!

Speaking of Cousins, he's only ranked 1st in yards per game and he's got the 4th highest passer rating through not even 2 full games as the Redskins starter. And even after being held to just 6 points and 398 total yards in Week 1 at Houston, the Redskins now have the 2nd highest ranked offense in the entire league.

I pegged the Giants in a "due" role last week at home against the Texans. But I still think they've got problems and I would run from them in this week's role. Statistically, they're bottom 10 in the league in both total offense and defense. ATS, they're 1-7 in their last 8 in September, 3-7 last 10 following a SU and ATS win. Cousins and this offense are for real, and Eli will be running for his life. 27-13 Redskins.

Tennessee at Indy (-7.5)
If Jake Locker Can't Go, Charlie Gets The Nod
I guess when you're an NFL owner and you get pulled over during the off season shit faced out of your mind on drink and drug, Roger The Dodger gives you Denver and Philly in Weeks 1 and 2. And after starting off what some might deem a predictable 0-2 with that murderer's row of a start (although the Colts stuck around with Denver, and then they blew a 20-6 lead against Philly), Andy Luck and The Boys righted the ship last week in Jacksonville in a big way.

And like last week's cupcake in North Florida, the Colts will face another inferior offense in Jake Locker and the Tennessee Titans. And as of Thursday morning, Locker is apparently a GTD with a wrist injury. And if he doesn't go, some guy named Charlie Whitehurst (or is it "Manson"- google his picture) will start.  Through 3 weeks, the Titans are next to DFL in the entire league, averaging just 14 points/per, and Locker is averaging just 217 yards through the air. That's an offense I'd like to stick in an actual locker, and then forget the combination.

The Colts are 6-1 ATS in their last 7 as a 3.5-10 point favorite. They're also 14-2 ATS in their last 16 vs. a team with a losing record. Head to head, the Colts have won SU and covered 5 in a row. Consider Indy as your survivor team if you didn't use them last week. 38-17 Colts.

Jacksonville (+12.5) at San Diego
So I'm going from playing against one inferior team to making a case for playing another. And I hate to bet a team that I know is going to lose, and just hope they keep it close, but the factors here are telling me to do so, so just grin and bear it, bitches!

I love the Chargers. I'm on record saying that they will win the AFC this year. But the Chargers and the Jaguars are on the opposite ends of the football spectrum going into this game, and I believe it is going to collide into a pretty ugly, not so sexy game that the Chargers win, but not in a manner in which they anchor it.

How many more weeks in a row can Jacksonville get poleaxed? They are a professional football team, correct? I mean, at some point, that "being a professional football team" part will kick in, and they might actually punch someone in the face. Or at least keep it close doing so. They've started off the 2014 campaign with losses of 17, 31, and 27 points. Those beatings were so bad, that Roger Goodell admitted privately that he couldn't even watch the highlights.

Rookie Blake Bortles is getting his first professional start for the Jacks, after playing the second half last week against Indy, and now getting a full week of reps in practice. I like that. And I think his teammates will rally around him. And the Chargers have had a brutal first three weeks, and have pretty much come out smelling like a rose. Tough loss at a very good Arizona team, short week and then they beat the defending Super Bowl champs, and then they traveled across country and beat formerly 2-0 Buffalo. As British Nirvana wannabes Bush once said, "..come back down from this cloud." #TRAP  The Bolts are 0-4 in their last 4 as a 10.5 point or greater favorite. 22-14 Chargers.

Philadelphia at San Francisco (-5.5)
If there was ever a case to be made for a 3-0 team who could be 1-2 right now, its that of the 2014 Philadelphia Eagles. After spotting Jacksonville a 17 zippy lead in the first half of their Week 1 tilt, they then scored 34 unanswered points to eventually beat the hapless Jaguars. Then in two consecutive weeks, they won games they were completely outplayed in. Its time to pay the piper, Philly.

After seemingly starting off pretty ho-hum with a fairly easy win at Dallas in Week 1, the 49ers returned home to piss away a 20-7 4th Quarter lead to the Bears, in a game in which they turned the ball over 4 times. And then last week got punched square in their N-bomb dropping mouths, in a tough divisional loss at Zona.

I love Frisco in this spot. They need to keep winning to keep up with before mentioned Zona and their other divisional nemesis, Seattle. And I hate Philly here for all the reasons I mentioned in the first paragraph. Frisco is 24-8-3 ATS in their last 35 following an ATS loss. Philly is 2-10-1 ATS in their last 13 the week after allowing more than 350 yards of total offense (gave up 511 total yards to Washington). Helloooo, Frisco! 30-20 San Francisco. 

New Orleans (-3) at Dallas
I've played against the Cowboys for two straight weeks, and I'm not about to turn back now. Those sons of bitches stuck it up my high and mighty ass last week, coming back from a 21-0 deficit to not just sail my ship out of Cover Harbor, but to win the game outright. That 1 pm disaster, combined with the abortion of a final 6 minutes I saw in the Baltimore/Cleveland game (see my Cleveland +1.5 loss- nice play calling at the end, Kyle, you dick), is the reason I had to double up on my AA meetings this week. (All Alcohol parties, I sometimes attend).

In short, Dallas doesn't have the luxury this week of facing either Jake Locker or Austin Davis, like they did the prior two weeks. This dude, Drew Something or Other- he's got this big hairy mole on his face and he's a pretty good Quarterback- is coming to town, and Dallas' defense is going to get burned like my bunghole after a night of Anita's bean burritos and Budweisers.

I like this game in large part because myself and the rest of the world, is waiting for Drew Brees and the Saints offense to take off. And I believe this is the week that happens. I realize they lost in a shootout to Atlanta in week 1, but they were mostly contained in both their Week 2 loss at Cleveland and last week's 20-9 home win against the Adrian Peterson-less Vikings.

Dallas is 1-4 ATS in their last 5 home games, and for what its worth, 0-5 ATS in their last 5 Week 4 tilts. Conversely, the Saints are 7-1 ATS in their last 8 Week 4 match ups. Dallas will score, but the Saints will score a lot more. This is my strongest game on the board (3-0 ATS in "strong/Barking Dog of week" games). 38-23 Saints.

Last Week                                                          3-2 ATS
YTD                                                                  7-8 ATS (47%)
Reg. Season Since '09                      195-156-12 ATS (55%)

Follow along as we pursue excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest
@Sportsyack on Twitter.

Friday, September 19, 2014

NFL Week 3: "Who Let The Dogs Out?... Ruff....Ruff-Ruff-Ruff-Ruff!"

Tom Coughlin At The End of Last Week's Loss
Houston at NY Giants (+2)
Tom Coughlin is running pretty hot these days. That red faced bastard has watched his team turn the ball over 6 times through two weeks, while forcing zero. His quarterback named Manning, although donning two Super Bowl rings, is playing more like Bradley (or is it Chelsea?) than Eli (cue a Google search by 79% of my readers). That goofy looking bastard has a 69.2 passer rating (32nd ranked) through two pretty ugly games, and the Giants look as lost as Adrian Peterson in the condom aisle at a CVS.

Fast forward to this Sunday, where the Giants host a team who is ripe for an absolute beat down. Here is the deal with the 2-0 Texans; they're not very good. They were fortunate to win their Week 1 game vs Washington, in a game they were pretty much out played in, albeit for a couple Redskins RZ turnovers, and a Houston special teams touchdown. The Texans then drew the Raiders in Week 2, who might be the worst team in the NFL. And like the gift wrapped W the Texans got in Week 1, the Raiders too turned the ball over in Texans territory; four times.

The G-Men are 16-6-1 in their last 23 as a dog of 1-3 points. And they're "riding" an 8 game losing streak in the month of September, that I'm banking on them breaking this weekend. Couple this information with (a) Houston on the back end of back to back roadies, and (b) The Giants in desperation mode in Week 3, and you've got my #BarkingDog 5 Star lock for the month of September.  Coughlin's face will be a lighter shade of red by about 3:45 Sunday afternoon. 23-17 Giants.

Dallas at St. Louis (+1.5)
Per a source a couple years ago, Austin Davis was on the Shanahans board along with Kirk Cousins, the year the Redskins took Cousins 4th in the 2012 draft. The Redskins eventually took Cousins, the Shanahans moved on, Griffin got hurt for the 983rd time last week, and now Cousins is starting in DC. I guess its a good thing the Shannys opted for Cousins, considering Davis wasn't even drafted that year, and a pick at 4th wouldn't have been too wise. However, Davis wound up in St. Louis, and due to Sam Bradford's 1,172nd injury, Davis is now starting in St. Louis.

If you're wondering who this Austin Davis dude is, check his college career numbers. They're not too shabby, and they include a lot of records held at Southern Miss, that were once held by one, Brett Favre. In any case, he's playing at the pro level now and the Dallas Cowboys are in town. I don't know what to make of the Cowboys. They cost me a W last weekend in Tennessee, but I'm still not buying their defense, Tony Romo's back is jacked again, and I'm playing against them on their back end of back to back roadies (sound familiar, Texans fan?).

I'm throwing out the Rams week 1 pollaxeing at the hands of the Minnesota Vikings. Following Bradford's pre-season injury, they trotted out Shaun Hill at QB, who lasted all of a half before being injured. They then brought in un-tested Davis in relief for the second half. But then last week, Davis and the Rams grinded out a tough road win at Tampa.

Dallas is 1-4 ATS in their last 5 after they've allowed 14 points or less. They're 8-18 in their last 26 following a SU win. And I still believe they're a 5 or 6 win team at most, who will not be starting off their season 2-1. Rams, 26-20.

Baltimore at Cleveland (+1.5)
The Browns are Top 5 in the league through two weeks in points scored per. The Ravens, IMO, have been very unimpressive through two home games. 16 points in a week 1 loss to the Bengals, and then they had the benefit of catching the Steelers in the dreaded (short week, plus travel) Thursday night game, which was an ugly, penalty filled, two hand touch abortion of a football game.

Conversely, I like what I've seen from Cleveland through two weeks. After sleeping through the first half of their Week 1 tilt in Pittsburgh, the Browns have since gone 24-3 vs Pittsburgh in the second half of that game, and then last week- although winning it in the end with a field goal, they seemed to never lose control of a game they essentially dominated. Also, when was the last time Drew Brees was held to just 237 yards passing? (I don't have the answer, but I know it doesn't happen very often)

I've been preaching the Browns under the radar defense for over a year now. And the Ravens are not the type of West Coast type offense that will go into the Dawg Pound and put up monster numbers. Last year in Cleveland, the Jason Campbell led Browns beat the Ravens 24-18, while holding Joe Flacco to just 250 yards passing, and the Ravens rushers to just 55 yards. In the game these two played in Baltimore last year, in which the Ravens won 14-6, Flacco had just 211 yards passing. Keep the faith in the D, and keep the faith in Brian Hoyer. The Browns are on a 4-0 ATS heater in the month of September, and have covered 4 of their last 5 at home as a dog of 1-3 points. 27-13 Browns.

Kansas City (+4.5) at Miami
A Young Andy Reid in a Pie Eating Contest (1971)
Andy Reid claims that the only thing he can think of when playing in the city of Miami, are the two 'M's in the word 'Miami'. It reminds him of 'M&M's, which is his favorite candy. He also went on to say that, "and Miami has great pasta, pizza, seafood- one of my favorite Dunkin Donuts is on A1A, I LOVE the stadium hot dogs there, the pretzels that they twist into the shape of a dolphin, the escargot at...."

The Chefs have lost 5 straight regular or playoff games, dating back to last December. They also backed up the Brinks truck for Alex Smith, just prior to the start of the season. And after a devastating playoff loss at Indy- in which the Chiefs blew a 38-10 3rd Quarter lead (still absolutely mind boggling to me)- and now starting off the 2014 campaign at 0-2, Lardass Hogan and the boys are ready to right the ship.

The Dolphins are 5-21 ATS in their last 26 as a home favorite of 3.5-10 points. And I'm not exactly sure what Vegas is looking at here. Sure, they beat the Patriots at home in Week 1, but they went on the road last week, and got absolutely pollaxed in Buffalo. And now you're asking me to lay 4 and a hook to a wounded animal, whose QB and coach I like a lot better, than the QB/coach combo in Miami? Like Bryce Harper told Danny Espinosa after hitting that moon ball at Citi Field last week, "ummm, no." 21-17 Chiefs.

Denver at Seattle (-5)
Here is why I'm taking the Seahawks in this spot. (1) The game is in Seattle, which is arguably the toughest place to play for a visiting team in the NFL.  (2) The Seahawks are NOT going to lose two games in a row. And (3), am I the only one who saw that 43-8 Superbowl beat down between these two seven months ago?

Hey talking heads, spare me the "Denver has had this game circled on their calendar for seven months" bullshit. Nonsense. The Broncos- and horse-tooth jack ass John Elway- convinced Roger "Short Timer" Goodell to cupcake them two home games to start this campaign. This would give one of the few NFL players without a mugshot, the best chance to start the season 2-0, and in turn the best chance to secure a second Lombardi Trophy. Well, that's exactly what they got.

The only consequence for this, was that in Week 3 they were going to have to travel up to the Pacific Northwest and get their asses handed to them. And that's exactly what they got there, as well.

Don't concern yourself with Seattle's loss last week at San Diego. They still played a very physical game, and in my opinion, ran into what will end up being the AFC representative in this year's Super Bowl. Denver is 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games overall. They also play the underdog role- though an infrequent spot, very poorly. 1-6 ATS last 7 as a dog. Deju Vu all over again, Yogi. 31-16 Seahawks. 

Last Week                                                             3-1 ATS
YTD                                                                     4-6 ATS (40%)
Reg. Season Since '09                          192-154-12 ATS  (55%)

Follow along as we pursue excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter.