Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Redskins Report, Bevis and Butthead (and Dumbass)


Too Painful To Watch

If there is one thing that we took from Sunday night's 17-0 (should've been 42-0) defeat at the hands of the hated Cowboys, it's that the Redskins need to trade Chris Cooley. Just kidding.

But seriously, they really do need to get rid of most of the players that are currently on this team.

Three conclusions can be drawn after watching this current Redskins team for the last few years; they are not very good, the roster is mostly made up of bad guys and losers, and like Riggo said, Dan Snyder does have a dark heart.

The only guy that we can say with any confidence has been playing hard throughout and truly cares about winning is London Fletcher. Everyone else is either not that good or is driven by their own personal agendas. As long as you have guys on a team who will split up and go their own individuals ways when things get tough, you will always be playing meaningless games in December.

When you are counting on the likes of Albert Haynesworth ($41 million for every other down, and doesn't listen to coaches), Laron Landry(doesn't wrap and dances after tackling an opponent who just picked up 8 yards), and Deangelo Hall (he's Deangelo Hall) to help right the ship, you're already sailing on the Titanic.

These guys are losers, plain and simple. They don't get what it takes to be winners. They don't understand that it's not always about them. They don't understand the attention you garner for winning is greater than any individual praise or awards you could receive. It's always about what the team can do for them as opposed to what they can do for the team.

Clinton Portis, Santana Moss, Mike Sellers, Antwan Randle El- paid like winners, produce like losers.

Randle El has been about the worst punt returner in the NFL for the last couple years, but has refused to give it up until just recently. That's just selfish. And eff Danny Smith for not pulling him sooner.

Cooley has put up good numbers throughout his career, but is known more so nationally for blogging, banging cheerleaders, and posting a picture of his penis on the internet. That's just stupid. Cooley is an attention whore and when you are 6-17 in your last 23 games, the last thing you should be drawing to yourself is attention, blondie.

Last year, Santana Moss took a 15 yard unsportsmen like conduct penalty for emulating shining his shoes after he scored a touchdown in a road loss, versus a bad (at the time) Cincinnati Bengal team.

Recently against the Giants on Monday night, he caught a pass down the sideline to set up a possible pre-halftime score. Down 24-0 and with precious seconds ticking away, Moss gets up from being tackled, and instead of flipping the ball to the ref, he spun it like a top- causing more time to be wasted, for a team that needs all the time(and help) it can get.


Enough is enough people. If you still haven't gotten it through your head by now that this team needs to be completely reconstructed, then you are the fan that Dan Snyder preys on.

The segment of fan out there that still believes- regardless of actual facts and stats, that the Redskins are just a player away, really needs to have their head examined. They are YEARS away, especially on the offensive side of the ball.

The bottom line is that they are embarrassing to watch and support, and the sooner that pieces are disassembled, so that new pieces can be put in, the better things will be, and maybe the future will start to look brighter.

George Allen's son has his work cut out for him. We wish him all the best.


Maybe Bevis and Butthead Were On To Something

Jokes on us. Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornholio weren't just talking shit last week when they declared that both the Saints and Vikings were finished, they were predicting the future. Maybe that's why those two donkeys are on ESPn.

Following a home loss to the hapless Bucs, the now 13-2 Saints all of the sudden resemble the Saints of yesteryear. Someone get me my paper bag!

Don't fret, Saint fan. The Saints are still a wrecking ball offensively and they get the first week bye, and home field advantage throughout. We still like them to represent the NFC in the Superbowl. That's of course unless they lose to Dallas or Philly. Or Green Bay.

The Vikings on the other hand, have now lost 3 out of their last 4, and they have a dumb ass for a head coach.

Brett Favre may be an egotistical horse's ass, but he is the reason the Vikings are 11-4, not Brad CHILDress. When dumb ass CHILDress tried to take the horse's ass out of the game versus Carolina, he opened up a door and showed the world the internal power struggle that is the Minnesota Vikings.

In Politics, its the economy, and with the Vikings, its Brett Favre. Tony Kornholio could coach that team with Brett Favre at the helm, and if dumb ass Tony Kornholio look alike CHILDress, who just got a contract extension from some dude named Zygi Wilf, doesn't start doing what the horse's ass tells him, Zygi Wilf's team can forget about any post season success.


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Sunday, December 27, 2009

Manning Tears ACL in First Quarter Hit Against Buffalo

Football and its injuries are fickle. Winning championships aren't easy. Tom Brady can speak for the first statement, and Dan Marino can speak for the second.

We're not going to kill Jim Caldwell for his decision to pull his starters in the 3rd quarter with a 15-10 lead. Quite frankly, if you're a championship caliber squad and you have a lead, you should be able to beat a .500 ball club- even with your second string.

And if your second stringers blow that lead, and you end up losing 29-15, then you get to rest your players for a meaningless Week 17 game in frigid Buffalo, and all is still right in your world.

But lets say the Colts had held on to win today, then what?

Peyton and crew would then get to go up to Buffalo to partake in the Froze Bowl- with nothing on the line but regular season perfection- not the Lombardi Trophy, and the risk of injury.

How did that regular season perfection work out two years ago for New England?

18-0 and a David Tyree helmet catch later, it was all for not. Throw in a Week 1 injury to Tom Brady the following season, and that's a bad 6 or 7 minutes of football for Patriot fan.

The Colts have positioned themselves quite nicely- they're 14-1, people! They have home field advantage throughout, in a dome that Peyton Manning seems to have been born and raised in- and to do anything that risks the health of the their starters moving forward- especially that of Peyton Manning's, would be utter stupidity.

Today's loss was a blessing. It will mean nothing to the Colts and their fans, when they defend their turf and record, in week two of the NFL playoffs. And it sets clarity for both the coaches and players moving forward.

Fantasy owners, Monday morning quarterbacks, and ESPN's Tom Jackson need to chill out with their criticism of Caldwell. We can only imagine the criticism, had they been referring to this post's bogus headline. 29-15 Jets should make all that moot.

By the way, did Tom Jackson ever win a Superbowl ?


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Friday, December 25, 2009

Batting .500 with Coal In Our Stockings

San Diego at Tennessee-3
The Chargers are pretty much going to get the #2 seed in the AFC, and that’s as good as its going to get for them heading into January. Chargers have one more loss down the stretch, and this is the week it happens.
Titans are 7-1 since Jeff Fisher wore his Peyton Manning jersey, and 5-1 since owner Bud Adams gave the Buffalo Bills fans the double barreled “fuck you”.
If the Titans make the playoffs, after starting the season 0-6, the Lombardi Trophy could be renamed in honor of maybe the greatest NFL head coach in the last 30 years. Titans run wild here.



Oakland at Cleveland –3
Cleveland is hotter than Rebecca Grant right now. Who is Rebecca Grant? (www.rebeccagrant.com) She’s the girl who appears on your TV right before the start of the 1 o’clock games, plugging Verizon Wireless’ V-Cast. We're not sure what the ‘V’ stands for in this case, but looking at her makes us want to find out.
Browns have covered 5 straight, and over that run are averaging 24 points per. Oakland is making the dreaded West Coast to EST 1pm kickoff trip. Teams in that spot have won outright only 36% of the time since 1992, and more importantly, have only covered 23% of the time. As we’ve said in the past, we couldn’t make that shit up. The newly Holmgren run Browns are the play here.




Baltimore at Pittsburgh-2.5
The Steelers have failed to cover in 6 of their last 7. Their lone cover during that span was against the Ravens. Mike Tomlin has been coaching like he’s been taking hits off of Jim Zorn’s bong. However, this is the second consecutive week at home, in which they’re laying less than a field goal, and we can’t help ourselves.
On this Christmas weekend- big ass, big hair, and big truck nation will be using the Terrible Towel primarily as a dinner napkin, to wipe all the excess cottage cheese and dessert toppings out of their beards and, ummm…. out of their beards. And Big Ben will be using it to wipe Baltimore’s ass. Go Steelers.




Carolina +7 at NYGiants
Carolina just handed Minnesota and Coach Favre their lunch, and the Giants just boat raced Dematha, or some team that resembled high school talent.
Giants have failed to cover 4 of their last 5 at home, and Carolina has covered 4 of their last 5 on the road. Unlike last week, the Giants will line up against a team whose priority list doesn’t start with finding a hotel for Senior Beach Week. We’re still not sold on the Giants being worth a shit, and there is not a chance they cover in this spot. 23-17 Final.




Denver +7 at Philly
Denver has played the NFC East tough (2-1), and they’re in a more desperate state of mind than Philly is. Philly is in the post season already, and Denver has to keep on getting it, in an attempt to hopefully secure a wild card spot.
Hoodie Jr. has done much better than expected in his rookie season, and we like the spunk he has shown at times throughout the season. We hope at the end of the day, his philosophy is to ”try and win a fucking game!!!”
We’re going Denver plus points, Denver/Under parlay, and Denver on the money line. We like the Broncos, and we like them a lot.



Last Week
1-2


YTD
26-26-1


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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Bugel, Boudreau, and Beat Dallas

Cut the cord, Danny. We get it. You and your ex-boyfriend Vinny don’t particularly care for the coach you hired two years ago. We would’ve never guessed, except for the fact that you stripped him of play calling duties not even halfway through the season, you conduct coaching interviews in front of him-at player personnel luncheons, and you’ve interviewed coaches on his staff (to satisfy the Rooney Rule), right underneath his nose.

Big Pussy had better treatment on Tony’s boat, the day Tony, Silvio, and Paulie Walnuts had to “question” him about his relationship with the feds. Sharon Tate was treated better, by the hoard of hippies she let into her house, that fateful night back in the late sixties.

The joke is now on you. Your "hire" humiliated you on national TV Monday night. And he's laughing all the way to the bank. Cashing your checks, stupid.

Just let Horny for Zorny go. We really don’t want to see him make a fool of you again. Your die hard, ticket paying, glutton for punishment fans deserve better. Especially when the most hated team in Washington is on the horizon.

In fact, a nice gesture would be to let Boss Hog Joe Bugel coach the final two games of the season. Let him lead the team that has been so near and dear to his heart. Give him a chance to lead a bunch of men that you employ, in an attempt to save face, and so not to be the butt of the nation, Sportscenter, women’s support groups, 6 year olds, etc.

Tiger Woods and his overactive penis laugh at you.

And as far as the future of this team is concerned, we understand you’ve hired George Allen’s son to help you in your quest for a coach, and to guide you with regard to future team decisions, but could we make one more suggestion?

Hire Bruce Boudreau, coach of the Washington Capitals. Or at least someone like him.

Bruce Boudreau does not mince words. Watch a Caps game, not merely for the fact that it’s the best sports entertainment in D.C., but to see how Boudreau conducts himself in front of his players, and during a game. If his team is playing flat or if he feels the referee has dealt him a bad hand, be prepared for an onslaught of fire and brimstone.

You’re not going to get an “awe, shucks” answer, or my favorite from Zorny, “I don’t need to yell at grown men to get them motivated.” You’re more likely to get the drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket”.

Last week while in Edmonton, the Caps were on the tail end of a 4 game roadie, and looking to finish 1-3 on that trip, as they were losing 2-0 to the Oilers at the end of the 2nd period.

According to reports in both local fish wraps, Boudreau slammed the door to the locker room at intermission, and began unleashing an arsenal of expletives, primarily at the team and league’s superstar, Alex Ovechkin. It was reported that he lobbed more “F-bombs” in Ovechkin’s direction, than Eddie Murphy did during his entire, infamous “Delirious” routine. (You remember? Eddie in the red suit? Back when he was relevant. God, that was some funny shit.)

Anyway, a little fire under the ass does work with millionaire athletes. Ovechkin scored a goal 32 seconds into the third period, scored another 6 minutes later, and then added an assist to another, as the Caps scored 4 in the 3rd, and went on to win 4-2.

Currently, the Capitals are the kings of their division, and were the fastest team in NHL history to reach 50 points. How’s your team doing, Danny?

Tim Kawakami of the bay area’s Mercury News proclaimed in February of 2008, http://blogs.mercurynews.com/kawakami/2008/02/11/jim-zorn-to-the-redskins-probably-the-worst-nfl-hire-of-all-time/, that Jim Zorn was “probably the worst NFL hire of all time”.

Do all Redskin fans a favor, and put the guy out of his misery, already. And then could you beat Dallas?

That should hold all Redskins fans over until next September, when the Groundhog’s Day of mediocrity at Redskin Park, will begin all over again.


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Monday, December 21, 2009

13 and Done

Michael Wilbon, appearing on Tony Kornheiser's wild and crazy radio program this morning, stated that he felt the Saints were "done". And the dude was pretty adamant about it.

His reasoning- other than the fact that he must've jumped all over our service Saturday night, and laid down major wood on the Cowboys, was that he really felt they "peaked against New England" and that, "they're now finished."

I know you have the highest rated show on ESPN, along with Sportscenter and the Norman Chad Bad Joke Hour, but come on, Mike. How can you say that a team who just lost their first game of the season in week 15, is all the sudden on the brink of reserving tee times in January? You sound more like you're on a DUI than a PTI.

The two Washington Post renegades then went on to talk about how the second seed in the NFC- the Minnesota Vikings, were also "done". They stroked each others egos with this reasoning, reminding each other and the audience that "we said all along that Brett Favre was only going to be good for 10 games." They concluded by also talking about Adrian Peterson's lack of contribution, averaging less than 4 yards per.

The Canadian flag waver went on to boldly state that Green Bay, coming off a last second loss at Pittsburgh to drop to 9-5, would be representing the NFC in the Superbowl.

I anxiously await the 5:30 hour, when I can tune in to see Bevis and Butthead debate the day's sports topics.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Its A Swoonlike Struggle

One game over .500 thru 14 weeks is not going to earn us any handicapping awards. Unless of course you count the “awards” we receive in the mail- certified, from both our mortgage companies and our ex-wife’s attorney.

Hey, we are trying here. We just can’t seem to put together a few ‘W’s. But we will press on, so not to go thru life as a loser. Everybody hates a no it all, non-results getting loser. Just ask Mr. Cerrato.

In fact, last night after he resigned in favor of George Allen’s son, Mr. Cerrato went on to thank Terry Robieskie and Durant Brooks agent, and then told the gathered media to “get down on the under tonight. There is no way the Colts and Jags will score lots of points. I asked the rings on my fingers, and they told me so!”


Dallas +7.5 at New Orleans
“The December Swoon”. That’s what I’m led to believe Dallas is going through? A swoon? What the fuck is a swoon? It’s the flavor of the week, which the 24-hour news cycle likes to continue to drum up. Its what people like that horse faced and horse assed catholic basher Dana Jacobson talk about, on that two bit show she has, when she doesn’t have a cue card of stats to read from. Its what hillbilly Dallas reporters bring up at Bubba Phillips’ press conference, when they have nothing better to ask him about. It’s filler.

What if I told you that last December, the Cowboys played 3 of the 4 teams that ended up in their respective Conference Championships? (Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Philly) They lost all three of those games, but did manage to beat the then defending champs, NYGiants. Swoon?

This year, they got the Giants on the road- a tough divisional foe who does have a winning record, and then had to come back home to play a now 10-3 Charger team, who if not for two undefeated teams right now, could be argued to be the hottest team in football. Swoon?

Tony Romo’s combined stats in the two December losses this year: 60-85, 641 yards, 5 touches to 0 picks. Swoon?

We think not. Dallas’ back is to the wall. Dallas finds a way to sack up and at least keep it close, against a Saints team whose last two victories have been from a combined 6 points.


Green Bay at Pittsburgh –2
Six weeks ago, this point spread would’ve been almost double digits. The Steelers were at 6-2 and the Pack was struggling to maintain .500. We like Pittsburgh here, simply for the fact that we’re betting them not to lose 6 in a row, and we do feel there is some added value in playing them at home, laying less than a field goal.

Green Bay is on the back end of consecutive roadies- one of our favorite betting trends. Pittsburgh, on the other hand, is coming off 10 days rest following their loss at Cleveland. Green Bay just doesn’t seem like a 10-4 team to us at this point. A-Rod will be sacked no less than 6 times, and all will be well with big hair, big ass, big truck nation.


NYGiants at Washington +3
Call it Homerville, but we love the Redskins in this spot. For starters, they continue to have their bettor’s ship anchored in cover harbor, keeping it there for 5 straight weeks, and doing so against teams that will be playing in January. They beat Denver, and in consecutive weeks, could’ve beat Dallas, Philly, and the Saints.

We also feel the room temperature has been turned up a notch by Thursday’s addition of Bruce Allen as general manager. The play on the field has been more inspired over the past month, and this new set of eyes- no pun intended, should continue to keep players on their toes, as they are more or less playing for next year’s roster.

The Giants are just blah this year. They have secondary problems, offensively have not been the same since the 6 shooter went to the clink, and are currently a gambler’s worst nightmare- covering only once in their last 8.

Redskins continue to play well, and will beat that Giant ass on MNF.



Last Week
1-3

YTD
25-24-1

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Boner Time

Redskin fans everywhere are making the commute to work, and giving that 9a.m. presentation with the ever embarrassing, yet simply gratifying- morningwood.

It appears the midget owner had to make sure the overrated pillsbury doughboy, Mike Holmgren- who has not accomplished anything without a #4 at the helm, saw him over the steering wheel of Redskin One, as he headed his way to out sell the Cleveland Browns.

Regardless of who the radio station owner has lined up, it is a new and exciting day in D.C.

The bug eyed one is gone. No more looking at his fingers, as he reminds us of the championships he's been a part of. No more Durant Brooks in the 6th round, when we need O-Linemen. No more interviews with Sal Paolantonio, in the tunnel at FedEx Field the night of the Philadelphia game, looking like he was at the tail end of a 3 day "snow" storm.

Good bye, Vinny- it was not nice knowing you.

Now if we can only figure out a way to hide our excitement, as the teacher has asked us to come to the front of the room, and perform the math problem in front of the class.

"(One Redskin team) - (one egotistical jock and owner sniffing asshole GM) = hope in Ashburn."

DOY-YOY-YOY-YOY-YINNNNNNGGGGGG !!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

NFL Week 14- Turning the Corner

I’m not sure whose last two weeks have been worse, Tiger’s or ours? Let’s see- we’ve gone 1-6 picking against the number during that time period, and Tiger has pretty much pissed away half of his $1 billion fortune. Ok, so maybe Tiger’s has been a little bit worse, but nevertheless- we realize we need to get our shit together, and we are guaranteeing a huge week. Unleashing hell….

Pittsburgh at Cleveland +10
Newsflash: Pittsburgh sucks, ok. And we realize Cleveland does as well, but lets get real for a second. Can someone tell me the last time a professional football team “riding” a 4 game losing streak, has to go on the road during a short work week, and is in a spot in which they’re laying a double digit number? The answer is probably never.

The team loved by the big hair, big trucks, and big asses has some real problems this year. We’ve talked about the Superbowl hangover all year. Throw in Big Ben’s on and off the field problems, some locker room finger pointing, Troy Polomalu’s hair injury, and Mike Tomlin’s really motivating “unleash hell” comments, and you’ve got a .500 football team.

Cleveland has been somewhat competitive as of late. They played Cincinnati tough in a loss, posted 37 in a loss at Detroit, and 23 last week in a loss versus the Chargers.

Try this on for size: since 1998, NFL teams who are getting 10 or more points, in a game played after December 1st, are 74-26-5 ATS. We couldn't make that shit up. Or could we? It doesn’t matter; Browns cover.


Washington/Oakland Under 37.5
Other than the fact that you could tune into this game, and be witness to the first NFL game in history to feature two scrotums sitting in the respective owners suites, we’d advise you to spare the boredom, and catch up on all your Tivo’d episodes of Poker After Dark.

This total number looks suspiciously low to us. Both teams are coming off totals north of 50, and the Redskins-who were big Under players for the longest of times, have gone over 5 of their last 6. We advise you Martingale this one, and catch up on all the 'Skins Under' money you've lost over the the past 6 weeks.

Redskins will be tired of scoring more than 20, tired from the cross-country trip, but will be man enough to keep the quarterback with the real long last name in check. 13-10, some scrotum’s team wins.



Denver +7 at Indy
Look inside the numbers for a minute, and you’ll find that over the course of their 12-0 start, the Colts have only played one team who sports a Top 10 defense (Baltimore, ranked 10th, in a game the Colts should’ve lost). The list of teams they’ve played that defend the lower third of the NFL (Tenn twice, Hou twice, San Fran) goes on and on and on. In this spot, they get the 3rd ranked defense in Denver, in a game in which Peyton and crew will secure their first ‘L’.

Denver has looked very good since their mid season hiccup They boat raced the Giants in prime time, and then took care of business last week in a game they should’ve won, and did so with ease. They’ve also hit their stride on the ground.

Averaging over 125 rushing yards per game, the Broncos posted 138 against NYG, and a nice 245 last week versus Kansas City. That won’t set well with an Indy defense who is ranked 18th in the league versus the run.

We advise you to push all your chips towards the middle of the table, ala Jim Fassel 2K. Denver covers, wins outright, and leaves New Orleans as the last undefeated team.



San Diego at Dallas –3
Wade Phillips press conference the other day was the worst assault we’ve seen on a fat guy by other fat red neck guys, since Ned Beatty took it in the pooper on the set of ‘Deliverance’. We like the way he (kind of) stood up for his team, and we think his team will too.

Tony Romo threw for almost 400 yards last week, on 41 of 55, with 3 touches and no picks. How did they lose? Well, they gave up a screen pass that went for almost 80, they allowed a punt to be returned for 6, and offensively- they didn’t run the ball (45 total rushing yards).

The Chargers have won 7 straight coming in, and Norv Turner- of all people, is one of the silliest dudes to coach against the number in December (10-2 ATS, last 12). But they're in a bad spot here, on the road, against a team who is sick of hearing it.

This is Dallas’ season. Lose here, and it’s over Johnny. In fact lose here, and they might lose out. Expect the Boys to get back to how they butter their bread- on the ground, and they catch the Bolts slacking, on the heels of a back-to-back roadie. Boys, big.


Last Week
1-4

YTD
24-21-1

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Inventing New Ways to Lose

I would have rather watched 30 minutes of a Saints 31-0 first half lead- left the "party" I was attending to watch the game, and then read about what eventually evolved into a Saints 56-0 victory.

But, nooooooooooooo.

Three straight weeks of inspired play- with most of our big name starters on the sideline, and three straight weeks of when its all said and done- stick it straight up our ass.

Temporary Coach Zorn, let me ask ya...... in between the Sudoku print outs on your 'play sheets', and the Beach Boys "God Only Knows" that is on rapid replay through your headset while you're on the sideline- can you do all of the frustrated and miserable Redskin fans a favor tomorrow morning- simply as an alleviator to what could only equate to football fan blue balls- and tell that little , 5th grader looking mother fucker, to pack up all his shit, and to get the fuck out of Redskin Park?

Shit for brains Suishem- like Jerry Glanville said some time ago, when you continuously miss chip shot field goals- that cost your team football games, 'NFL' stands for not for long, Rickey.

And have you ever seen a final two minutes of a half, in which one team could have whatever could wrong, go wrong? Are you fucking kidding me?

A muffed punt- only to be followed by a defensive stand, turned pickle, turned fumble, turned 6 the other-other way? Wha-wha-what???

Did that game really just happen?

One other thing Coach- why did you call a timeout at the end of the first half, right before the Saints lined up to kick an extra point? What if 11 had run the kick back to mid field, giving you an opportunity to kick a field goal? Could you have used a timeout there?

Not to focus on the little things of a game that left me wanting to go Tom Cable on the significant other, but it just goes to show you: 11-0 teams find ways to go 12-0, and 3-8 teams continue to find ways to break their fans hearts.

Friday, December 4, 2009

NFL Week 13

Philly at Atlanta +5.5
Falcons are averaging 25.3 points/game over the last 5 weeks. Eagles barely beat two horseshit teams over the past two weeks. Like the rest of the NFC East, they’re not very good. Atlanta and that crazy looking coach of theirs, get it done here.

St. Louis at Chicago-9.5
The Bears shouldn’t be giving anyone close to double digits. Lovie’s Losers have lost 4 games in a row, averaging a sweltering 12 points per over that stretch. However, with this softball, Jay Cutler will look like the franchise quarterback again, in a game that won’t be close.

Oakland +14.5 at Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh needs to “get right”, Oakland is traveling across country, Big Ben is back; the reasons to play Pittsburgh here in a blowout go on, and on, and on. Oakland can play, and have been better with Bruce Gradkowski. We have not been sold on Pittsburgh all year. Big ass-big hair-big truck fan’s team wins, but this game will be a bore fest.

Dallas +1 at NYGiants
In the first match up between these two, Dallas turned the ball over 4 times, and still should’ve won the game. They also racked up 251 yards on the ground. Giants are who we thought they were. We’re giving Romo this one chance, to prove to us he can go on the road in December, and win a game that matters.

New Orleans –9.5 at Washington
Trap game, shmap game. Dan Snyder is going to come out after this one, and apologize to the Skins fans for introducing Gregg Williams to the Saints, as badly as this one turns out. Skins have covered 3 straight, and have played 4 of 5 games over. It’s time to turn the corner. Saints win 27-13.


Last Week
0-2 (ouch)

YTD
23-17-1

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Roger Goodell and The NFL Need Their Heads Examined

"I Will Not Stop Until They're Wearing Skirts.."
What sport are Roger Goodell and the rest of the NFLPA watching? Football is a contact sport, correct? It’s fueled by high flying, highly paid athletes who collide into one another on every single play, of every game played each weekend.

The NFL’s new policy on concussions is absurd. It’s nothing more than an open invitation to the players to hide injuries. And in principal, it’s a rule that if correctly enforced (which it won’t be), would bankrupt the NFL, and turn away their fan base in droves.

Mr. Sensitive- Commissioner Goodell, in between deciding who is righteous enough in this (barely) free enterprise of ours to be part of an NFL ownership group and creating unintended consequences by implementing rules that will affect the player's lower body more (i.e. knees), has cow-towed to the NFLPA and the players that came before him, to implement a rule that is laughable. The reality of it is that it’s only going to make the problem worse.

The NFL is the number one sport in this country for many reasons. Two of them are for the superior athletes that compete in the sport and the violence associated with the sport itself.

So in another attempt to curb the violence (see before it: helmet to helmet, chop block, the pussification of the roughing the passer rule, etc.) of a sport that involves violence on every single play, you’re really going to ask these teams to sit these superstar players who drive your bottom line, put people in the seats and in front of the televisions each weekend? And you're going to expect these players, who many of who are vying for that "contract year" paycheck to be on the up and up about their injury?

Bullshit.

The American people love their football. We love the structure of a Sunday in the fall. We love to gamble, set our fantasy lineups, drink a beer or 10, and watch some football. The more you restrict the game and its players, the more you run the risk of turning the fan away.

And the players aren't going to be thrilled with this either.

Football players aren't stupid. They realize they play in a sport that has (on average) a 3.8 year lifespan. They realize they've been gifted with a talent that in many cases allows for them to make an astronomical amount of money, and they have a very small window in which to make that money.

The risk that goes with playing football professionally is what it is. No one is putting a gun to these guys’ heads to sign 6 and 7 digit salaries, and to make more money in one quarter of a football game than most people in this country make in a year.

Its football, stupid- not cricket. The players assume the risk, and the public pays their salaries for doing so. The fans want nothing to do with regulations and neither will the players. End of story.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

When The Levee Breaks

File this under the "tragedy + time = comedy" philosophy, of Washington Post Live's Ivan Carter.

While speaking to a forum on his show this evening that included Redskin beat writer Jason Reid, and Washington Post and 1067 The Fan's Mike Wise (more on him later)- Carter asked the panel if the Redskins best chance against New Orleans this weekend was to "open up the levees".

Carter was quickly politically corrected by Wise, who told him he was running the risk of "getting us censored."

I wonder if Carter will mix in a Twin Towers collapsing reference when analyzing this week's Cowboys/Giants game.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Redskin Report- Cerrato's Shortcomings Shine On

The Redskins played good enough to win two weeks in a row now, only to come up short in the end. Same bat time, same bat channel. Another defeat on the road to a divisional foe.

Last week against Dallas, the make shift line with the make shift backs, contributed for a total of 156 yards, both in rushing and receiving. Against Philly, they ran for 82, and picked up another 34 thru the air.

Ironically, missing from these past two weeks of somewhat inspired play, was $200 million of Dan Snyder's money. Fat Albert ($100million), D Hall ($55 million), Chris Cooley ($30 million), and Clinton Portis ($15 million).

Another bit of irony, is that Redskin fan is currently watching the development of their future quarterback, Jason Campbell. And if you don't think so, take a look at the list of names that will be available thru free agency next year. Its a "who's not", of NFL quarterbacks.

Its just another frustrating reminder to Redskin fan, that you have a total horse's ass as a general manager. He's good at spending Danny's money, handcuffing his head coach, and drafting punters in the 6th round, but he sucks at everything else football related.

NFL Week 12- Where's Kato Kaelin?... and we like Miami

An SUV, a golf club in the front yard, alleged affairs, PAC 10 athlete, blonde bombshell wife; the Tiger Woods story gets weirder by the minute. If some shaggy head, effeminate wanna be actor comes forward, who just so happens to live in a guest house on Tiger’s property, I might shoot myself.
Honestly, if you’re a waiter at an Italian joint outside Windemere, and Mrs. Woods happens to leave her shades at the table you were serving her at, you might want to just leave them the fuck alone, ok? Throw them in the trash or donate them to good will, whatever you have to do. Just don’t be the hero who returns them to her residence.
And I’m glad to see that the Windermere police also double as Tiger Woods’ bitches.
“No problem, Mr. Woods. We’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Oh, Mr. Woods doesn’t feel well enough to talk to us about the possible domestic violence call that we responded to at 2:30 in the morning? That’s just fine.”
Nice to see celebrity justice is still in full swing. If me or any of my ass clown friends had been leaving our residence at 2:25 in the morning, and we had the driving skills of an asian paraplegic, we’d be answering some questions by now. And probably with a billy club planted upside our stupid head.
I mean, for Christ’s sake Tiger. How in the fuck do you hit a fire hydrant AND a tree, leaving your god damn driveway?!?! Maybe Stevie pulled out the wrong club, because that drive- should we say, was errant.
We’re huge golf guys, and we love Tiger Woods.The previous 4 paragraphs are all fun and games, and Tiger knows it- he cleared this piece. He’s an icon in not just his sport, but in ‘sport’. He has made more millionaires out of guys who finish 125th on the money list, than Roland Thatcher has made birdies in his career.
Who’s Roland Thatcher, you might ask? He’s some donkey whose made $1.8 million in barely 4 seasons on the PGA Tour, playing the type of golf Tiger would play using one arm. And he’s made that type of scratch because of one, Tiger Woods.
Not to mention the millions of dollars that end up at charitable foundations, because of the impact he has had on a game that was once reserved for rich, white nerds.
Get off this dude’s back, already. He’s the biggest athlete on the planet, and he lives his life in a fishbowl. Through 13 years in the spotlight, he’s done pretty well to up hold his civil and tax paying duties.
Regardless of what happened the other night, we do know this: 1) He was not seriously injured, as first reported 2) No charges were filed. So anything else that might come out of it, is his personal business. And anything else reported, as far as we’re concerned, is tabloid.

Washington at Philly –9
Redskins gave their best effort of the season last week, only to come up short down in Big D. Following the inspired play for not- and some post game shots from some of the defensive players aimed at their inept offense, expect a big fat egg here, Skin fan. It's officially, "just hand me my paycheck on Tuesday" time in DC.
Philly owned Washington down in Washington a month ago, playing the majority of the game without Brian Westbrook. The final score was alot closer than the actual game. Eagles have lost 3 out of 4 in this series, but this is a spot they win going away, needing to keep up with dem Cowboys. Eagles will have your ship anchored in Cover Harbor, by the end of the 3rd quarter.

Miami –3.5 at Buffalo
Miami needs to win to maintain their case for a wildcard spot. Although we’re not big fans of teams on a back to backer, we like them in this spot for two reasons. For starters, they’ve played really well on the road ATS, covering 9 of their last 12, and secondly, we think they could wildcat the Bills to death.
The Bills have the 31st ranked run defense. They also have a new coach, and are fickle at the quarterback position. We don’t know who the hell is running that team.
We do know that the Dolphins are the best .500 football team in football. We know that they are the only team who had both the Saints and Colts on the ropes going into the fourth quarter. The Saints put a 22 spot on them in the fourth, and the Colts had to score a go ahead with 3 minutes to go.
This game today is easy. We never, ever condone parlays, teasers, all that other bullshit associated with degeneracy, but today we are. This is our NFL Game of the Month. Lay good faith and good money, on the team from South Florida.


Last Week
3-1

YTD
23-15-1

Friday, November 27, 2009

Our L-tryptophan Hangover

Thanks, John Madden. Your innocent attempt 20 years ago- in the spirit of Thanksgiving, has now turned into three networks competing to be the cutest, with regard to what they give out to their game’s “mvp”.
Next year I’d suggest FOX give out a life size replica of Pam Oliver’s ass, with a picture of Joe Buck’s creepy face plastered on it. CBS can give out a copy of Jim Nantz’ (reportedly) $1.1 million alimony check he cuts his ex wife, and the NFL Network can give out “mother fucking” sideline mikes, courtesy of Josh McDaniels.

If I get my pick of Quarterbacks under the age of 30 to start a team with, Aaron Rodgers is my man. If he ever plays with a team that offers him protection (sacked 31 times thru the first 9 games), or if he were able to play against the 31st ranked defense each week, that dude would have some sick numbers-or should I say, sicker numbers?
Currently- playing the majority of the game from his ass- this dude is 2nd in total yards passed for, has the 3rd best QB rating, is tied for 1st in TD’s thrown, and has the 2nd fewest interceptions (5) for any QB with at least 300 attempts. I don’t see how this guy doesn’t win at least two SuperBowls.

Not to keep beating up Cowboy fan, but we’re going to go out on a limb here, and predict a 1-4 finish down the stretch, for a 9-7 “possible wild card team” final record. Two straight weeks of average football at best, versus teams who have nothing.I’ll take it a step further, and say the only game Dallas wins down the stretch is in two weeks at home, versus San Diego.
Sorry Wade, but I’ve seen your boy Romo in two straight weeks, throw passes to the numbers, of opposing teams on Dallas’ side of the field. Good teams don’t drop those pickles.

If you camped out at a Best Buy last night, or if your alarm went off at 4:45 this morning, to wake you up for something other than wage earning, you’re a fucking idiot.
My favorite part about ‘Black Friday’, is waiting for the videotape to roll in from some Walmart in BFE, Kansas.
Likely the scenario- a bunch of assholes, with more time on their hands than some sports blog writer, trample another bunch of assholes, in their pursuit of the latest “Twilight” memorabilia.

I’m off to ruin the secret of Santa for a bunch of 3rd graders. Happy shopping! Love, Scrooge.

Monday, November 23, 2009

NFL News and Notes- Week 11

Bill Belichick’s decision to go for it on fourth down two weeks ago was really, really, really stupid. I don’t know how that team is going to recover. Their season is probably over.

CBS refused to show the replay of Bills’ O-lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg against the Jags, because they felt it was “too gruesome for our viewers”. This is coming from the same network that broadcasts Katie Couric’s gums five nights a week. If you haven’t seen a replay of the injury, just think 90-degree angle, and spare yourself the throw up in your mouth upon watching it.

Not to get off topic, but after watching a clip from last nights American Music Awards, I must ask, is Adam Lambert gay?

Dallas fan(s) who text message you at five minutes after 4 yesterday, gloating about that 7-6 “victory”, need to take a step back and smell the reality brewing. You beat a team who ended up playing a third string running back, who was running behind an O-line assembled from a group of guys hanging outside an Ashburn 7-11, who missed two field goals-one of which was an NFL chip shot, who was missing their $100 million run stopper, yada-yada-fucking-yada. I just got off the phone with Verizon, upgrading my text messages to the unlimited package, for all my Dallas fans and their playoff run down the stretch. (at NYGiants, San Diego, at Norleans, at Washington, Philly). Good luck, you stupid cocksuckers.

Brett Favre is cool. Maybe- the coolest.

Some ass clown that writes for Sportsyackontap is 6-2 ATS over the last two weeks of NFL prognosticating, 8 games over .500 for the year. How does our ass taste, Brandon Lang?

Friday, November 20, 2009

NFL Week 11

Indy/Baltimore OVER 44
The Colts are averaging 27 points a game. The Ravens, up until two weeks ago, were averaging just about the same. Following two offensive lackluster performances, this is the week we think the Ravens resort back to airing it out.

The Colts might lose this game. The actual gameline smells like a sucker to us. The undefeated Colts, laying only 1 to a Raven team that only posted 16 against Cleveland in a Monday Night stinker? Shananigans. And if that is the case, you figure the Ravens are going to have to match the Colts offensively to even have a chance.

Indy’s point scoring abilities are second to none. Earlier this year, they posted 27 on Miami, and Peyton Manning and his offense had the ball for barely 15 of the 60 minutes.

Baltimore’s Defense isn’t what it used to be. They haven’t put the fear of god into anyone, since that Superbowl party down in Atlanta 10 years ago. Three of the league’s pass happy teams (Minn, NE, and SD) all posted 26 points or more against them.

Expect nothing less than a 30 spot from Indy, and we like the Ravens to be in it, most or all of the way.


Atlanta +6.5 at NYGiants
Matt Ryan uses this spot to silent any talk in A-town of bringing back the dog killer.

When Joe the laptop computer wrecker loves NYG here-after not making a single wager through 10 weeks, and Mike Greenburg makes the Giants one of his stone cold lead pipe locks, I tend to look the other way.

The Giants are who we thought they were- an average at best, football team. Pity the fool who plays the “well, they’re coming off a bye” trend. The only ‘bye’ here if you play the Giants, will be your money- as in ‘bye-bye’.


Washington +11 at Dallas
The only hole in Washington bigger than the one the Redskins dug themselves over the first half of the season, is the one Gilbert Arenas recently fell into, after Shaq got done laying the wood.

The Redskins have covered 6 of the last 8 in this matchup, winning 5 of those games. In the 6 quarters played since losing Clinton Portis, the Redskins have outscored their opponents 41-24.

We’re still not sold on Dallas. They went on the road and beat what might prove to be a so-so Eagle team, and lost last week to what might prove to be a so-so Packer team. We realize they can only play the cards they’re dealt, but when you throw in a loss to a now questionable Denver team and a struggle to win at Kansas City, 11 points in this spot is an overlay. Consider the money line on Washington as well.

Blowout of The Week

Seattle at Minnesota –11
Seattle has played 5 teams with winning records, and has been more or less boat raced in 4 of those 5 games. They did manage to beat the Jags, but have lost by 11, 17, 21, and 24 in the other games in which their opponent was north of .500.

Minnesota was almost lulled to sleep last week by Detroit, and still won going away. Either Favre or Peterson or both, is going to have a huge day here, catching a team who lacks consistency, playing their second straight roadie. 38-17 Vikings.

Last Week
3-1

YTD
20-14-1

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

NFL Week 10 in review

Bill Belichick has a .706 winning percentage in 10 years as New England’s head coach. He’s won 4 AFC titles, and 3 Lombardi Trophies. On fourth down situations versus the Colts, he has a 75% success rate when he opts to ‘go for it’. His team is 6-3, and will still probably finish at least tied for the second best record in the conference, ultimately leading to a rematch with Indy. Where will your team be in mid January?

The favorites only covered 5 of 15 games this weekend.

Why is Maurice Jones Drew’s kneel down at the one yard line, being referred to as a smart football play? It might be the dumbest play I’ve ever seen. And if Jack Duh Rio instructed his players to do it if presented with that situation, he should be fired immediately. Ask Tony Romo and Cowboy fan if chip shot field goal attempts can ever go wrong.

When asked whether Ladell Betts’ performance Sunday might’ve earned him the starting job, temporary coach Jim Zorn told reporters that players don’t lose their jobs due to injury, and that “Clinton” would be back. Stupidity, however, does cause coaches to lose their jobs.

Titans 86-year-old owner Bud Adams said that if he had known he was going to get a $250,000 bill in the mail from Roger Goodell for flipping the bird to Bills fans, he would’ve considered flinging his shit stained depend undergarments on them as well.

That Monday Night Football game last night sucked.

Friday, November 13, 2009

NFL Week 10

Dallas at Green Bay +3
Dallas went into their current two game road trip needing at least a split, in order to have a realistic chance to win their division. Their next two games are home versus Washington and Oakland- both games they will prevail in. So having taken care of business in Philadelphia Sunday night, and with two softies on the horizon, we anticipate a more sloppy, half assed performance by Team Wade.
Green Bay has lost two straight, including last weekend’s embarrassing defeat at the hands of some winless team who wore orange uniforms. The Pack has got to be on notice, playing in a conference that is going to require no less than 10 wins to make the playoffs.
Dallas is a pathetic 3-7 ATS in their last 10 roadies. Since 1992, NFL teams who are playing the second of consecutive road games, only cover 32% of the time. The home team in this match up over the last 8 is 7-1 ATS. Expect an inspired performance by a Green Bay team that needs a win.

Cincinnati +7 vs Pittsburgh
There is a betting theory in Vegas called the “Laker effect”. Basically, it refers to the number of So Cal, penny loafer wearing douche bags, who mingle around a sports book without a clue, making bets on their Lakers because it’s the last game on the board. This in effect, inflates the line in the Lakers games, giving the smart bettor an extra point or two on the team the Lakers are playing.
This football game has what we’d like to refer to as the “Fat ass, big haired girlfriend, mullet sporting loser, with every known piece of shit Steeler paraphernalia plastered on their Ford pick up, effect”.
Dudes, someone needs to give the Bungals some props. A legitimate argument could be made for them to be 7-1 at this point. They've beat everyone in their division- Baltimore twice, and they now get the Steelers on a short week in which the Steelers traveled across country, and the Bungals are getting 7 points?? Are you F**King kidding me???
On a neutral field, this game would be a pick’em. We like the Bungals, and we like them a lot.


Parlay Game of the Week
Washington +4.5/ Under 37
For starters, both of these teams like to play under games- Denver, 7 of their last 8, and the Redskins- 10 of their last 11 at Fed Ex Field. We also don’t like Denver coming off a short week and then having to travel. This game has a 13-10 Overtime final written all over it.

Caution
Lastly, if you’re chasing money going into Sunday night- which you shouldn’t be, after following this brilliant breakdown of the Sunday action, don’t be so quick to jump all over the undefeated home team, only laying three. Remember one thing about this match up: Belichick vs. 1st year head coach. Enough said.

Last Week
1-2

Overall
17-13-1

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Bad Night For Poker Purists

Poker pros and the elitists of the game, who argue until they’re blue in the face about how much of a skill game poker is, were left scratching their heads after this year’s Main Event final table. Broadcast Tuesday night on ESPN, the play by many left little to be desired, but it was the “luck” factor that had everyone talking.

A game that at best is 60% skill and 40% luck (sorry, Mr. Negreanu), was turned upside down over the weekend, as eventual champion Joe Cada came back from the depths of poker hell (at one point having less than 2% of the chips in play), to claim poker’s greatest prize.

In three crucial hands, Cada started with the three worst pocket pairs someone can have (44, 33, and 22), but managed to scoop the pot and double up each time. In only one of those three hands was Cada even close to being a pre flop favorite (even money to be exact), as his pocket 4’s held up versus Phil Ivey’s A8. The other two were complete ‘suck outs’, to the chagrin of his opponents.

He flopped a set of 3’s, versus Jeff Schulman’s JJ, and he flopped a set of 2’s versus Antoine Saout’s QQ. In both hands, Cada’s chips and tournament life were at stake.

What this Main Event proved, and quite loudly on a national TV scale, is that luck is much more a factor of the game, than the pros and online gambling advocates would like you to believe. Poker Pro and Jesus look alike Chris Ferguson, recently blogged about poker being a 100% skill game. A statement that stupid should get you crucified.

I agree that players like Phil Ivey are skilled crafty card players- who constantly outplay their opponents, many times with the worst hand. And Ivey’s success will attest to this.

But after watching Cada’s run to the top, with a horseshoe planted squarely up his ass, and seeing the likes of skilled, successful pros like Ivey, getting sent to the rail with much the superior hand preflop (his AK lost to Darvin Moon’s AQ- gee, imagine that), you can spare me with all the “it’s a skill game” talk.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NFL Week 9

San Diego at NY Giants –4.5
San Diego has won two in a row coming in, the G Men have lost 3 straight. This is the perfect trap game, for the idiot bettor. Degenerate gamblers everywhere, will be calling their man at 5 minutes until 4, or as close as they can up until kickoff, while keeping their eye on the Red Zone channel, to make sure some asshole coach like Sean Payton doesn’t stick his “backdoor cover” johnson up their three child support payments behind asses, to fuck up the 4 team teaser they have next month’s rent tied up in….. just so they can engage themselves in a losing proposition, with their once again renewed faith in Norv Turner.

This is the week the Giants will soundly end all of this “what’s wrong with the Giants?” talk. Chances of them losing 4 games in a row are slim and none. San Diego is 0-2 at east coast teams this year, 0-1-1 ATS. Charger fan will be looking at their TV with 2 minutes to go, the cameras will pan the Charger sideline, and there he will be- Norv Turner, with that stupid, “I’m a loser” expression on his face, and his infamous, "You bet your hard earned money on me, you stupid cocksucker?" body language. And you my friend, like the Bolts, will be a loser.



Carolina +13.5 at New Orleans
This game might feature the biggest ‘overlay’ all season. While everyone is all caught up in the hype of the new greatest show on turf, I’m going to have a go with the team who has won 3 of their last 4, after having started the season 0-3.

The Panthers are averaging almost 28 points per game, in the 3 wins over the last month, and their running game has shot up to 5th, in the entire NFL. On the flip side, the 7-0 Saints have shown some vulnerability over the past few weeks. In their last 3 games- 2 of which they could’ve lost, Gregg Williams’ defense has given up an average of almost 30 points in each of those contests. From what I could tell both from watching the game and from reading the post game stats, the ATL on MNF this past week moved the ball at will.

The visiting team in this match up is 15-2 ATS over the last 17. If the Panthers had been getting two touchdowns from the Saints, over the course of the last 10 times these two have played each other, the Panthers would be 9-1 ATS. The Panthers won 12 games last year. They were never as bad as their September record indicated.


Washington/Atlanta Under 41.5
Redskins played 5 straight unders prior to their MNF “performance” two weeks ago. And any donkey (man in the mirror) can tell you that had the zebras not flagged the Uggles on 3rd and long, with 4:37 to go, on a play that they had picked up the 1st down, that under streak would still be in tact.

Greg Blaiche and crew will keep the scoreboard manageable, especially after Blaiche delivers a pre-game pep talk, revolving around his admiration for serial killers. Expect the bye week to have the same affect on the Redskins, as a diet soda has on Rosie O’Donnell. Falcons win 24-9.


Last Week
3-1

Game of the Month (Baltimore)
Winner

Overall YTD
16-11-1

Friday, October 16, 2009

NFL Week 6

Cleveland at Pittsburgh-14
The Browns suck. A Redskins/Browns match up would get boat raced in the TV ratings by a WNBA play in game, or whatever it is those dudes do to determine who makes the “dance”.

Eric Mangini and his offense are so bad, he just lost out in a part on “CSI”, in which he would’ve played a guy sitting with his wife at a table in a restaurant. The Browns have played 5 games, and have scored 6 points or less in three of them. Pathetically enough, if your name is Dick Jeron, they actually won one of those games.

In 2 of the last 3 games played at Heinz Field between these two teams, Pittsburgh has won by an average of 29 points. This game will not be close.


Kansas City +6 at Washington
How and the fuck are the Redskins still favorites? Am I the only one watching this back alley abortion? This organization is run like full blown dementia, and watching this team play–when FOX’s signal is not down- makes me want to concuss myself.

Dan Snyder added a new set of eyes to his payroll last week. And since Vinny Cerrato sucks too good of a cock and Marty Feldman is dead, he hired a bingo caller. That bingo caller must go to the same optometrist that Stevie Wonder goes to, because 198 yards- and for all intents and purposes, 3 points- I’d rather Sndyer have brought in a new set of balls- which is what this team needs.

Redskins have covered only once in their last 8 home games. Chiefs have shown some signs of life in their 0-5 start, and unlike the Redskins good fortune from the scheduling gods, the Chiefs have only faced one team with a losing record. I see no reason why Zorn and Redskin fan’s death march opts to take the road less traveled.


Other games:
Detroit +13.5 at Green Bay
Arz/Sea under 47


Last Week
2-1-1

YTD
8-10-1

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Aspiring to Suck: The Dan Snyder Story

*Thank god we could punch it in from the 1 yard line. Twice.

*198 total yards of offense does not warrant any conversation of, "We're getting better offensively, and um, we uhh, are trying to get Clinton more involved, and uhhh...yada, yada, yada"....

*DeAngelo Hall- Next time you try and tackle a 3o something white boy quarterback, who needs to scramble for 9 yards to put the final nail in your team's coffin, lay the f**king hammer to the legs, Hokie.

*Glad to see Danny Smith's bubble gum continues to get more attention than his weekly game plans.

*al qaeda just checked in: Dear CIA, if you promise to just water board us- and not have us watch game film of Jim Zorn's offense, we promise to hand over Bin Laden.

*Vinny Cerrato just asked Sally Jenkins to look at his fingers again; this time, two boogers on each index finger, and some dog shit smeared across the palm of his right hand.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

NFL Week 5

Back to back weeks of abysmal game prognostication, and one has to wonder if our service is trying to give its subscribers winners, or if we’re vying for Obama’s new cabinet position- The Sports Book Bailout Czar.

2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the Redskins do following another home win. 2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the 23 year old intern who lays down and spread’s for a 62 year old gap toothed, bitter late night talk show host. 6-9 ATS over the first month of the season, and we feel, well….gross.

Its times like these when we reach down deep in the vault, view every angle of every game, and give out games that come home like a 50-1 long shot on Derby Day. So in the immortal words of Bluto Blutarsky, “Whats all this lying around shit !? Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”


NFL GAME OF THE MONTH (October)

Washington at Carolina –3
Did you see Jim Zorn running off the field following that win over Tampa, like he was ready to hoist the Lombardi Trophy? At least he took off those Dale Earnhardt, Sr. sunglasses for the second half, so that he could read those great plays he was calling. Ironically, the Redskins offense in the first half looked like they had just hit the wall in the final turn at Daytona. Jason Campbell must’ve put on his HANS device at halftime, because somehow he was still “driving the car”, and led his team to a second half comeback.

Anybody need directions to hell? I have them saved in my GPS in my car, just let me know.

Did you know Zorn is a Carolina victory away on Sunday from being the winningest coach in Snyder's 10-year tenure as owner? He's 10-10 after 20 games. His .500 percentage is tied with Marty Schottenheimer, better than Joe Gibbs II (.469), Norv Turner (.450), Steve Spurrier (.375), and Terry Robiskie (.333).

John Fox, on the other hand, has a secure (.547) winning percentage over 7 years of coaching Carolina, which includes two Conference Championship games, and a Superbowl appearance. John Fox could be wheeled out onto the field in his bed this Sunday, and out coach Zorn during a full blown sleep apnea attack.

Zorn’s offense- which is allegedly now going to get a boost from that scary talented Sherman Lewis, is averaging a smooth 14 points per game. They have failed to score any points in the first half of either of their last two “performances”, against powerhouse Detroit and powerhouse Tampa Bay.

Here’s the diggity, giggity…the writing is on the wall in DC. Both Zorn and Campbell are out of here by season’s end. Carolina was a 12 win team last year, who got bounced from the playoffs by the eventual Superbowl contender from the NFC. Through three games this year, they did get boat raced in week 1 at home by Philly, but then had to go on the road and play at Atlanta and at Dallas. Both road trips resulted in losses, but both games resulted in Carolina turning the ball over late, when they were either driving to tie or take the lead. The Panthers are coming off a bye, and are 6-1 under Fox when doing so.

John Fox bounced around as a child between San Diego and Virginia Beach, as the son of a career US Navy Seal. Jim Zorn bounced around from too much THC in his system, and he led anti-seal killing rallies in Alaska. Panthers win 24-13, and give Zorn one more reason to prep his home for the real estate market.


Pittsburgh at Detroit +10
Pittsburgh is not a team I would recommend investing a lot of money into this year. There seems to be a little bit of that Superbowl hangover attached to this team. Big Ben has been moonlighting as a host for WWE’s Monday Night Raw, and his penis has been moonlighting as a fat chick/ trailer trash/ gold digger radar detector.

The Lions are putting up almost 20 points a game, and have 31 new players, a new coach, and a new GM. The Steelers are 0-2 on the road this year, and could’ve lost in week 1 to a team who is 0-4. Steelers come off huge conference win against San Diego, and go on the road against a non-conference team of young, hungry whipper snappers. Consider pulling out your cohunes here, and betting the money line.


Tampa Bay at Philadelphia –15
Generally, we would jump all over an NFL team getting a huge double digit number. We just have a hard time dropping a dime on a team whose Head Coach/Quarterback combo consists of two thirds of Bel, Biv, Divoe. Philadelphia, coming off their bye week, can start any of their 6 quarterbacks, and will destroy this ship of fools. Eagles, big.


Dallas –8.5 at Kansas City
Its real simple here. Dallas is 3rd in the league for total yards gained on the ground through 4 weeks. They’re #1 in the league for yards rushed (6.0) per carry. Kansas City is 24th in total run defense, not too money. At some point Tony Romo is going to play a game in which he doesn’t resemble a monkey fucking a football. Dallas wins by no less than 14.

Last Week
1-4

YTD
6-9

Games of the Month- YTD
0-1

Thursday, October 1, 2009

NFL Week 4

Detroit +10 at Chicago
The Bears are about three plays from being 0-3. They’ve had the early season good fortune of missed 34 yard field goals and late fumbles by opposing players. They’ve also been out gained in total yards in both of their wins. Detroit is not the same piece of shit team they were last year. They have 31 new players, and most of their 2008 team signed with Washington in the off season. They match up well with their division foe. They’ve won 2 of the last 4, and almost won this game last year in Chicago. Cutler is back to being comfortable after his week 1 debacle. That should account for at least two picks.

Oakland +9.5 at Houston
Oakland Raiders’ head coach Tom Cable knocked the shit out of his 4 year old grandson Monday night, when the boy tried to change the channel to “Two and A Half Men”, while Cable was watching Monday Night Football. He then followed that up by berating the child, asking him when his “cunt of mother” (Cable’s daughter) was going to get home. This coach is one angry dude.
Houston is 0-2 at home this year. They were everyone’s preseason pick as the up and coming team to make the playoffs. Matt Schaub is already banged up, and Steve Slaton is off to pissing off all fantasy owners, in his role as a #2 running back. Oakland handled the Texans fairly easily last December, in the second to last game of the year. These teams have played 5 times in the last 5 years, and if Houston had been laying 9.5 points in each of those 5 match ups, they’d be 0-5 ATS in those games. Jemarcus Russell might be the biggest sum-bitch we’ve ever seen take an NFL snap. Bigger is better. The Ray-Duzzz.

Seattle +10.5 at Indy
Picking double digit dogs is becoming trendy, huh? This game is simply a case of the Seahawks following the lead of their Kicker bashing head coach, and the Colts coming off two huge road wins, readying for the big let down. The Seahawks should be 2-1. Their kicker did shit the bed last week, and Houshmandzahda (speaking of fantasy let downs) had a crucial 4th quarter fumble. We’ll give the Colts their impressive national TV win against Arizona on Sunday, but we’re still befuddled by what happened the week before down in south Florida when they scored 27 offensive points, and only controlled the ball for 15 minutes of a 60 minutes game. Indy’s defense needs a “Haynesworth” (break).

Denver +3
Don’t look now, but Denver has the #1 ranked overall defense through 3 weeks.

Jets/Saints over 46
Saints last 13 home games, 12-1 ATS over.
Saints games, last 17 on artificial turf, 14-2-1 ATS over.


Last Week
1-3

YTD
5-5

Monday, September 28, 2009

Sorry, Timmy

Dear Iron Mike,

My name is Timmy Reynolds. I am 10 years old and live in Springfield, Illinois. I know you don't know who I am but you ruined my life today. My father apparently has been subscribing to your weekly picks for the NFL. Unfortunatley for you, him, and me, I now have no college fund.

I write you in hopes of persuading you to stop sharing your horseshit football picks with the rest of the world. Yesterday I had dreams of being a doctor, today my father is taking me out to dinner on the dollar menu at McDonald's.

I realize that I am only 10 years old and you have probably been making football bets for longer than I have been alive, but you really suck. I really don't care how much money you lose personally on your terrible picks, but do the rest of the world a favor and keep them to yourself.

Sincerely,

Timmy

P.S. My dad just sold my puppy to the guy across the street.

Friday, September 25, 2009

NFL Week 3

NFL WEEK 3


Washington –6.5 at Detroit.

Can the Redskins really be that bad? Can they really follow up a 9-7 ass whuppin of a team who had lost 10 straight games coming in, by going to the stadium of a team who has lost 19 straight games, and laying an egg there too? The answer is “no”.

The Redskins offense is going to come out of its shell this week, trust me. They’re sick and tired of having their punter lead the team in touchdowns scored.

Word from Redskin Park is that “Coach” Zorn has had the Skins working on the Statue of Liberty play in all 1st and goal situations. When asked about why he opts to run that play, in lieu of smashing it up the middle, he just said, “because its more groovy, man.” And as far as his half back option he ran last week with Portis in a 3rd and goal from the 5, Zorn intelligently replied, “Well, if I knew that play was not going to work prior to calling it, I probably would not have called that play in the first place.” Really? Really.....?? The sky is the limit with that Lombardi-esque philosophy at the helm for this team, holy fuck.....

We also love the under here. The Redskins last 10 games ATS with regard to the total, are 9-0-1 in favor of the under. Redskins 26 Lions 9.


Tennessee +2.5 at NY Jets

Jeff Fischer is one of my favorite coaches ever. Not just because he reminds me of one of my favorite bookies of all time, but because of the touching remarks he made at Steve McNair’s memorial service. Unbeknownst to most, Fischer actually thought McNair, who was killed on the 4th of July, was a victim of faulty fireworks.

During the eulogy, Fischer said it warmed his heart knowing that McNair died “while surrounded by his wife and kids, doing something all family men do best- rejoicing in the spirit of our country’s patriotic holiday.” He went on to talk about how unfortunate and ironic it is, that McNair and his teammates prevailed in “The Music City Miracle”, yet he succumbed to injuries brought on by, “bottle rockets and roman candles.” In closing, he warned the congregation that for future 4th of July celebrations, “beware of the quick fuses. And psycho middle eastern broads.”

Coach Fischer and crew will not start off this season 0-3. On the flip side, pretty boy rookie QB Sanchez- along with the rookie head coach, will not come out of the gates 3-0. It ain’t happening. Tennessee is 7-2-1 ATS in their last 10 on the road. The NY Jets, coming off a big win against an overrated Patriots team, will come back down to earth in a big way. The Jets converted only 3 of 12 third downs last week. Look for Tennessee's defense to emulate the suffocating menace they were in week 1 against Pittsburgh, when they gave up less than 40 yards on the ground. This game will be one that you will be writing the “W” next to, mid way through the 3rd quarter. This is our NFL Game of The Month.


“The 77%-er”

There are two games this week that involve teams in the second game of a back-to-back roadie, who also happen to be favorites. The home dogs in these match ups are Tampa +7, and Buffalo +5.5. Since 1992, and I’m not making up this statistic, the home team in this scenario has covered ATS 77% of the time. And since our service does not have the testosterone to drop a couple dimes against a team who has posted 93 points through two weeks, we love Tampa Bay getting the points here.

For starters, we feel that the Giants are not as good as they’re advertised to be, led (Eli) by someone who is not as good as he’s advertised to be, and emotionally- coming off a huge national television win at Dallas, might have a bigger letdown than the folks who voted for Obama. The Giants will be driving late in the game, to either tie or take the lead. Either way, no cover for the G-Men.

In Summary:

Tennessee
Washington
Washington Under
Tampa Bay

Last Week
2-1

YTD
4-2

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