Friday, October 16, 2009

NFL Week 6

Cleveland at Pittsburgh-14
The Browns suck. A Redskins/Browns match up would get boat raced in the TV ratings by a WNBA play in game, or whatever it is those dudes do to determine who makes the “dance”.

Eric Mangini and his offense are so bad, he just lost out in a part on “CSI”, in which he would’ve played a guy sitting with his wife at a table in a restaurant. The Browns have played 5 games, and have scored 6 points or less in three of them. Pathetically enough, if your name is Dick Jeron, they actually won one of those games.

In 2 of the last 3 games played at Heinz Field between these two teams, Pittsburgh has won by an average of 29 points. This game will not be close.

Kansas City +6 at Washington
How and the fuck are the Redskins still favorites? Am I the only one watching this back alley abortion? This organization is run like full blown dementia, and watching this team play–when FOX’s signal is not down- makes me want to concuss myself.

Dan Snyder added a new set of eyes to his payroll last week. And since Vinny Cerrato sucks too good of a cock and Marty Feldman is dead, he hired a bingo caller. That bingo caller must go to the same optometrist that Stevie Wonder goes to, because 198 yards- and for all intents and purposes, 3 points- I’d rather Sndyer have brought in a new set of balls- which is what this team needs.

Redskins have covered only once in their last 8 home games. Chiefs have shown some signs of life in their 0-5 start, and unlike the Redskins good fortune from the scheduling gods, the Chiefs have only faced one team with a losing record. I see no reason why Zorn and Redskin fan’s death march opts to take the road less traveled.

Other games:
Detroit +13.5 at Green Bay
Arz/Sea under 47

Last Week


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Aspiring to Suck: The Dan Snyder Story

*Thank god we could punch it in from the 1 yard line. Twice.

*198 total yards of offense does not warrant any conversation of, "We're getting better offensively, and um, we uhh, are trying to get Clinton more involved, and uhhh...yada, yada, yada"....

*DeAngelo Hall- Next time you try and tackle a 3o something white boy quarterback, who needs to scramble for 9 yards to put the final nail in your team's coffin, lay the f**king hammer to the legs, Hokie.

*Glad to see Danny Smith's bubble gum continues to get more attention than his weekly game plans.

*al qaeda just checked in: Dear CIA, if you promise to just water board us- and not have us watch game film of Jim Zorn's offense, we promise to hand over Bin Laden.

*Vinny Cerrato just asked Sally Jenkins to look at his fingers again; this time, two boogers on each index finger, and some dog shit smeared across the palm of his right hand.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

NFL Week 5

Back to back weeks of abysmal game prognostication, and one has to wonder if our service is trying to give its subscribers winners, or if we’re vying for Obama’s new cabinet position- The Sports Book Bailout Czar.

2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the Redskins do following another home win. 2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the 23 year old intern who lays down and spread’s for a 62 year old gap toothed, bitter late night talk show host. 6-9 ATS over the first month of the season, and we feel, well….gross.

Its times like these when we reach down deep in the vault, view every angle of every game, and give out games that come home like a 50-1 long shot on Derby Day. So in the immortal words of Bluto Blutarsky, “Whats all this lying around shit !? Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”


Washington at Carolina –3
Did you see Jim Zorn running off the field following that win over Tampa, like he was ready to hoist the Lombardi Trophy? At least he took off those Dale Earnhardt, Sr. sunglasses for the second half, so that he could read those great plays he was calling. Ironically, the Redskins offense in the first half looked like they had just hit the wall in the final turn at Daytona. Jason Campbell must’ve put on his HANS device at halftime, because somehow he was still “driving the car”, and led his team to a second half comeback.

Anybody need directions to hell? I have them saved in my GPS in my car, just let me know.

Did you know Zorn is a Carolina victory away on Sunday from being the winningest coach in Snyder's 10-year tenure as owner? He's 10-10 after 20 games. His .500 percentage is tied with Marty Schottenheimer, better than Joe Gibbs II (.469), Norv Turner (.450), Steve Spurrier (.375), and Terry Robiskie (.333).

John Fox, on the other hand, has a secure (.547) winning percentage over 7 years of coaching Carolina, which includes two Conference Championship games, and a Superbowl appearance. John Fox could be wheeled out onto the field in his bed this Sunday, and out coach Zorn during a full blown sleep apnea attack.

Zorn’s offense- which is allegedly now going to get a boost from that scary talented Sherman Lewis, is averaging a smooth 14 points per game. They have failed to score any points in the first half of either of their last two “performances”, against powerhouse Detroit and powerhouse Tampa Bay.

Here’s the diggity, giggity…the writing is on the wall in DC. Both Zorn and Campbell are out of here by season’s end. Carolina was a 12 win team last year, who got bounced from the playoffs by the eventual Superbowl contender from the NFC. Through three games this year, they did get boat raced in week 1 at home by Philly, but then had to go on the road and play at Atlanta and at Dallas. Both road trips resulted in losses, but both games resulted in Carolina turning the ball over late, when they were either driving to tie or take the lead. The Panthers are coming off a bye, and are 6-1 under Fox when doing so.

John Fox bounced around as a child between San Diego and Virginia Beach, as the son of a career US Navy Seal. Jim Zorn bounced around from too much THC in his system, and he led anti-seal killing rallies in Alaska. Panthers win 24-13, and give Zorn one more reason to prep his home for the real estate market.

Pittsburgh at Detroit +10
Pittsburgh is not a team I would recommend investing a lot of money into this year. There seems to be a little bit of that Superbowl hangover attached to this team. Big Ben has been moonlighting as a host for WWE’s Monday Night Raw, and his penis has been moonlighting as a fat chick/ trailer trash/ gold digger radar detector.

The Lions are putting up almost 20 points a game, and have 31 new players, a new coach, and a new GM. The Steelers are 0-2 on the road this year, and could’ve lost in week 1 to a team who is 0-4. Steelers come off huge conference win against San Diego, and go on the road against a non-conference team of young, hungry whipper snappers. Consider pulling out your cohunes here, and betting the money line.

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia –15
Generally, we would jump all over an NFL team getting a huge double digit number. We just have a hard time dropping a dime on a team whose Head Coach/Quarterback combo consists of two thirds of Bel, Biv, Divoe. Philadelphia, coming off their bye week, can start any of their 6 quarterbacks, and will destroy this ship of fools. Eagles, big.

Dallas –8.5 at Kansas City
Its real simple here. Dallas is 3rd in the league for total yards gained on the ground through 4 weeks. They’re #1 in the league for yards rushed (6.0) per carry. Kansas City is 24th in total run defense, not too money. At some point Tony Romo is going to play a game in which he doesn’t resemble a monkey fucking a football. Dallas wins by no less than 14.

Last Week


Games of the Month- YTD

Thursday, October 1, 2009

NFL Week 4

Detroit +10 at Chicago
The Bears are about three plays from being 0-3. They’ve had the early season good fortune of missed 34 yard field goals and late fumbles by opposing players. They’ve also been out gained in total yards in both of their wins. Detroit is not the same piece of shit team they were last year. They have 31 new players, and most of their 2008 team signed with Washington in the off season. They match up well with their division foe. They’ve won 2 of the last 4, and almost won this game last year in Chicago. Cutler is back to being comfortable after his week 1 debacle. That should account for at least two picks.

Oakland +9.5 at Houston
Oakland Raiders’ head coach Tom Cable knocked the shit out of his 4 year old grandson Monday night, when the boy tried to change the channel to “Two and A Half Men”, while Cable was watching Monday Night Football. He then followed that up by berating the child, asking him when his “cunt of mother” (Cable’s daughter) was going to get home. This coach is one angry dude.
Houston is 0-2 at home this year. They were everyone’s preseason pick as the up and coming team to make the playoffs. Matt Schaub is already banged up, and Steve Slaton is off to pissing off all fantasy owners, in his role as a #2 running back. Oakland handled the Texans fairly easily last December, in the second to last game of the year. These teams have played 5 times in the last 5 years, and if Houston had been laying 9.5 points in each of those 5 match ups, they’d be 0-5 ATS in those games. Jemarcus Russell might be the biggest sum-bitch we’ve ever seen take an NFL snap. Bigger is better. The Ray-Duzzz.

Seattle +10.5 at Indy
Picking double digit dogs is becoming trendy, huh? This game is simply a case of the Seahawks following the lead of their Kicker bashing head coach, and the Colts coming off two huge road wins, readying for the big let down. The Seahawks should be 2-1. Their kicker did shit the bed last week, and Houshmandzahda (speaking of fantasy let downs) had a crucial 4th quarter fumble. We’ll give the Colts their impressive national TV win against Arizona on Sunday, but we’re still befuddled by what happened the week before down in south Florida when they scored 27 offensive points, and only controlled the ball for 15 minutes of a 60 minutes game. Indy’s defense needs a “Haynesworth” (break).

Denver +3
Don’t look now, but Denver has the #1 ranked overall defense through 3 weeks.

Jets/Saints over 46
Saints last 13 home games, 12-1 ATS over.
Saints games, last 17 on artificial turf, 14-2-1 ATS over.

Last Week


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