Thursday, October 8, 2009

NFL Week 5

Back to back weeks of abysmal game prognostication, and one has to wonder if our service is trying to give its subscribers winners, or if we’re vying for Obama’s new cabinet position- The Sports Book Bailout Czar.

2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the Redskins do following another home win. 2-7 ATS over the last two weeks, and we feel like the 23 year old intern who lays down and spread’s for a 62 year old gap toothed, bitter late night talk show host. 6-9 ATS over the first month of the season, and we feel, well….gross.

Its times like these when we reach down deep in the vault, view every angle of every game, and give out games that come home like a 50-1 long shot on Derby Day. So in the immortal words of Bluto Blutarsky, “Whats all this lying around shit !? Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”


Washington at Carolina –3
Did you see Jim Zorn running off the field following that win over Tampa, like he was ready to hoist the Lombardi Trophy? At least he took off those Dale Earnhardt, Sr. sunglasses for the second half, so that he could read those great plays he was calling. Ironically, the Redskins offense in the first half looked like they had just hit the wall in the final turn at Daytona. Jason Campbell must’ve put on his HANS device at halftime, because somehow he was still “driving the car”, and led his team to a second half comeback.

Anybody need directions to hell? I have them saved in my GPS in my car, just let me know.

Did you know Zorn is a Carolina victory away on Sunday from being the winningest coach in Snyder's 10-year tenure as owner? He's 10-10 after 20 games. His .500 percentage is tied with Marty Schottenheimer, better than Joe Gibbs II (.469), Norv Turner (.450), Steve Spurrier (.375), and Terry Robiskie (.333).

John Fox, on the other hand, has a secure (.547) winning percentage over 7 years of coaching Carolina, which includes two Conference Championship games, and a Superbowl appearance. John Fox could be wheeled out onto the field in his bed this Sunday, and out coach Zorn during a full blown sleep apnea attack.

Zorn’s offense- which is allegedly now going to get a boost from that scary talented Sherman Lewis, is averaging a smooth 14 points per game. They have failed to score any points in the first half of either of their last two “performances”, against powerhouse Detroit and powerhouse Tampa Bay.

Here’s the diggity, giggity…the writing is on the wall in DC. Both Zorn and Campbell are out of here by season’s end. Carolina was a 12 win team last year, who got bounced from the playoffs by the eventual Superbowl contender from the NFC. Through three games this year, they did get boat raced in week 1 at home by Philly, but then had to go on the road and play at Atlanta and at Dallas. Both road trips resulted in losses, but both games resulted in Carolina turning the ball over late, when they were either driving to tie or take the lead. The Panthers are coming off a bye, and are 6-1 under Fox when doing so.

John Fox bounced around as a child between San Diego and Virginia Beach, as the son of a career US Navy Seal. Jim Zorn bounced around from too much THC in his system, and he led anti-seal killing rallies in Alaska. Panthers win 24-13, and give Zorn one more reason to prep his home for the real estate market.

Pittsburgh at Detroit +10
Pittsburgh is not a team I would recommend investing a lot of money into this year. There seems to be a little bit of that Superbowl hangover attached to this team. Big Ben has been moonlighting as a host for WWE’s Monday Night Raw, and his penis has been moonlighting as a fat chick/ trailer trash/ gold digger radar detector.

The Lions are putting up almost 20 points a game, and have 31 new players, a new coach, and a new GM. The Steelers are 0-2 on the road this year, and could’ve lost in week 1 to a team who is 0-4. Steelers come off huge conference win against San Diego, and go on the road against a non-conference team of young, hungry whipper snappers. Consider pulling out your cohunes here, and betting the money line.

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia –15
Generally, we would jump all over an NFL team getting a huge double digit number. We just have a hard time dropping a dime on a team whose Head Coach/Quarterback combo consists of two thirds of Bel, Biv, Divoe. Philadelphia, coming off their bye week, can start any of their 6 quarterbacks, and will destroy this ship of fools. Eagles, big.

Dallas –8.5 at Kansas City
Its real simple here. Dallas is 3rd in the league for total yards gained on the ground through 4 weeks. They’re #1 in the league for yards rushed (6.0) per carry. Kansas City is 24th in total run defense, not too money. At some point Tony Romo is going to play a game in which he doesn’t resemble a monkey fucking a football. Dallas wins by no less than 14.

Last Week


Games of the Month- YTD

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