Sunday, November 29, 2009

Redskin Report- Cerrato's Shortcomings Shine On

The Redskins played good enough to win two weeks in a row now, only to come up short in the end. Same bat time, same bat channel. Another defeat on the road to a divisional foe.

Last week against Dallas, the make shift line with the make shift backs, contributed for a total of 156 yards, both in rushing and receiving. Against Philly, they ran for 82, and picked up another 34 thru the air.

Ironically, missing from these past two weeks of somewhat inspired play, was $200 million of Dan Snyder's money. Fat Albert ($100million), D Hall ($55 million), Chris Cooley ($30 million), and Clinton Portis ($15 million).

Another bit of irony, is that Redskin fan is currently watching the development of their future quarterback, Jason Campbell. And if you don't think so, take a look at the list of names that will be available thru free agency next year. Its a "who's not", of NFL quarterbacks.

Its just another frustrating reminder to Redskin fan, that you have a total horse's ass as a general manager. He's good at spending Danny's money, handcuffing his head coach, and drafting punters in the 6th round, but he sucks at everything else football related.

NFL Week 12- Where's Kato Kaelin?... and we like Miami

An SUV, a golf club in the front yard, alleged affairs, PAC 10 athlete, blonde bombshell wife; the Tiger Woods story gets weirder by the minute. If some shaggy head, effeminate wanna be actor comes forward, who just so happens to live in a guest house on Tiger’s property, I might shoot myself.
Honestly, if you’re a waiter at an Italian joint outside Windemere, and Mrs. Woods happens to leave her shades at the table you were serving her at, you might want to just leave them the fuck alone, ok? Throw them in the trash or donate them to good will, whatever you have to do. Just don’t be the hero who returns them to her residence.
And I’m glad to see that the Windermere police also double as Tiger Woods’ bitches.
“No problem, Mr. Woods. We’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Oh, Mr. Woods doesn’t feel well enough to talk to us about the possible domestic violence call that we responded to at 2:30 in the morning? That’s just fine.”
Nice to see celebrity justice is still in full swing. If me or any of my ass clown friends had been leaving our residence at 2:25 in the morning, and we had the driving skills of an asian paraplegic, we’d be answering some questions by now. And probably with a billy club planted upside our stupid head.
I mean, for Christ’s sake Tiger. How in the fuck do you hit a fire hydrant AND a tree, leaving your god damn driveway?!?! Maybe Stevie pulled out the wrong club, because that drive- should we say, was errant.
We’re huge golf guys, and we love Tiger Woods.The previous 4 paragraphs are all fun and games, and Tiger knows it- he cleared this piece. He’s an icon in not just his sport, but in ‘sport’. He has made more millionaires out of guys who finish 125th on the money list, than Roland Thatcher has made birdies in his career.
Who’s Roland Thatcher, you might ask? He’s some donkey whose made $1.8 million in barely 4 seasons on the PGA Tour, playing the type of golf Tiger would play using one arm. And he’s made that type of scratch because of one, Tiger Woods.
Not to mention the millions of dollars that end up at charitable foundations, because of the impact he has had on a game that was once reserved for rich, white nerds.
Get off this dude’s back, already. He’s the biggest athlete on the planet, and he lives his life in a fishbowl. Through 13 years in the spotlight, he’s done pretty well to up hold his civil and tax paying duties.
Regardless of what happened the other night, we do know this: 1) He was not seriously injured, as first reported 2) No charges were filed. So anything else that might come out of it, is his personal business. And anything else reported, as far as we’re concerned, is tabloid.

Washington at Philly –9
Redskins gave their best effort of the season last week, only to come up short down in Big D. Following the inspired play for not- and some post game shots from some of the defensive players aimed at their inept offense, expect a big fat egg here, Skin fan. It's officially, "just hand me my paycheck on Tuesday" time in DC.
Philly owned Washington down in Washington a month ago, playing the majority of the game without Brian Westbrook. The final score was alot closer than the actual game. Eagles have lost 3 out of 4 in this series, but this is a spot they win going away, needing to keep up with dem Cowboys. Eagles will have your ship anchored in Cover Harbor, by the end of the 3rd quarter.

Miami –3.5 at Buffalo
Miami needs to win to maintain their case for a wildcard spot. Although we’re not big fans of teams on a back to backer, we like them in this spot for two reasons. For starters, they’ve played really well on the road ATS, covering 9 of their last 12, and secondly, we think they could wildcat the Bills to death.
The Bills have the 31st ranked run defense. They also have a new coach, and are fickle at the quarterback position. We don’t know who the hell is running that team.
We do know that the Dolphins are the best .500 football team in football. We know that they are the only team who had both the Saints and Colts on the ropes going into the fourth quarter. The Saints put a 22 spot on them in the fourth, and the Colts had to score a go ahead with 3 minutes to go.
This game today is easy. We never, ever condone parlays, teasers, all that other bullshit associated with degeneracy, but today we are. This is our NFL Game of the Month. Lay good faith and good money, on the team from South Florida.

Last Week


Friday, November 27, 2009

Our L-tryptophan Hangover

Thanks, John Madden. Your innocent attempt 20 years ago- in the spirit of Thanksgiving, has now turned into three networks competing to be the cutest, with regard to what they give out to their game’s “mvp”.
Next year I’d suggest FOX give out a life size replica of Pam Oliver’s ass, with a picture of Joe Buck’s creepy face plastered on it. CBS can give out a copy of Jim Nantz’ (reportedly) $1.1 million alimony check he cuts his ex wife, and the NFL Network can give out “mother fucking” sideline mikes, courtesy of Josh McDaniels.

If I get my pick of Quarterbacks under the age of 30 to start a team with, Aaron Rodgers is my man. If he ever plays with a team that offers him protection (sacked 31 times thru the first 9 games), or if he were able to play against the 31st ranked defense each week, that dude would have some sick numbers-or should I say, sicker numbers?
Currently- playing the majority of the game from his ass- this dude is 2nd in total yards passed for, has the 3rd best QB rating, is tied for 1st in TD’s thrown, and has the 2nd fewest interceptions (5) for any QB with at least 300 attempts. I don’t see how this guy doesn’t win at least two SuperBowls.

Not to keep beating up Cowboy fan, but we’re going to go out on a limb here, and predict a 1-4 finish down the stretch, for a 9-7 “possible wild card team” final record. Two straight weeks of average football at best, versus teams who have nothing.I’ll take it a step further, and say the only game Dallas wins down the stretch is in two weeks at home, versus San Diego.
Sorry Wade, but I’ve seen your boy Romo in two straight weeks, throw passes to the numbers, of opposing teams on Dallas’ side of the field. Good teams don’t drop those pickles.

If you camped out at a Best Buy last night, or if your alarm went off at 4:45 this morning, to wake you up for something other than wage earning, you’re a fucking idiot.
My favorite part about ‘Black Friday’, is waiting for the videotape to roll in from some Walmart in BFE, Kansas.
Likely the scenario- a bunch of assholes, with more time on their hands than some sports blog writer, trample another bunch of assholes, in their pursuit of the latest “Twilight” memorabilia.

I’m off to ruin the secret of Santa for a bunch of 3rd graders. Happy shopping! Love, Scrooge.

Monday, November 23, 2009

NFL News and Notes- Week 11

Bill Belichick’s decision to go for it on fourth down two weeks ago was really, really, really stupid. I don’t know how that team is going to recover. Their season is probably over.

CBS refused to show the replay of Bills’ O-lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg against the Jags, because they felt it was “too gruesome for our viewers”. This is coming from the same network that broadcasts Katie Couric’s gums five nights a week. If you haven’t seen a replay of the injury, just think 90-degree angle, and spare yourself the throw up in your mouth upon watching it.

Not to get off topic, but after watching a clip from last nights American Music Awards, I must ask, is Adam Lambert gay?

Dallas fan(s) who text message you at five minutes after 4 yesterday, gloating about that 7-6 “victory”, need to take a step back and smell the reality brewing. You beat a team who ended up playing a third string running back, who was running behind an O-line assembled from a group of guys hanging outside an Ashburn 7-11, who missed two field goals-one of which was an NFL chip shot, who was missing their $100 million run stopper, yada-yada-fucking-yada. I just got off the phone with Verizon, upgrading my text messages to the unlimited package, for all my Dallas fans and their playoff run down the stretch. (at NYGiants, San Diego, at Norleans, at Washington, Philly). Good luck, you stupid cocksuckers.

Brett Favre is cool. Maybe- the coolest.

Some ass clown that writes for Sportsyackontap is 6-2 ATS over the last two weeks of NFL prognosticating, 8 games over .500 for the year. How does our ass taste, Brandon Lang?

Friday, November 20, 2009

NFL Week 11

Indy/Baltimore OVER 44
The Colts are averaging 27 points a game. The Ravens, up until two weeks ago, were averaging just about the same. Following two offensive lackluster performances, this is the week we think the Ravens resort back to airing it out.

The Colts might lose this game. The actual gameline smells like a sucker to us. The undefeated Colts, laying only 1 to a Raven team that only posted 16 against Cleveland in a Monday Night stinker? Shananigans. And if that is the case, you figure the Ravens are going to have to match the Colts offensively to even have a chance.

Indy’s point scoring abilities are second to none. Earlier this year, they posted 27 on Miami, and Peyton Manning and his offense had the ball for barely 15 of the 60 minutes.

Baltimore’s Defense isn’t what it used to be. They haven’t put the fear of god into anyone, since that Superbowl party down in Atlanta 10 years ago. Three of the league’s pass happy teams (Minn, NE, and SD) all posted 26 points or more against them.

Expect nothing less than a 30 spot from Indy, and we like the Ravens to be in it, most or all of the way.

Atlanta +6.5 at NYGiants
Matt Ryan uses this spot to silent any talk in A-town of bringing back the dog killer.

When Joe the laptop computer wrecker loves NYG here-after not making a single wager through 10 weeks, and Mike Greenburg makes the Giants one of his stone cold lead pipe locks, I tend to look the other way.

The Giants are who we thought they were- an average at best, football team. Pity the fool who plays the “well, they’re coming off a bye” trend. The only ‘bye’ here if you play the Giants, will be your money- as in ‘bye-bye’.

Washington +11 at Dallas
The only hole in Washington bigger than the one the Redskins dug themselves over the first half of the season, is the one Gilbert Arenas recently fell into, after Shaq got done laying the wood.

The Redskins have covered 6 of the last 8 in this matchup, winning 5 of those games. In the 6 quarters played since losing Clinton Portis, the Redskins have outscored their opponents 41-24.

We’re still not sold on Dallas. They went on the road and beat what might prove to be a so-so Eagle team, and lost last week to what might prove to be a so-so Packer team. We realize they can only play the cards they’re dealt, but when you throw in a loss to a now questionable Denver team and a struggle to win at Kansas City, 11 points in this spot is an overlay. Consider the money line on Washington as well.

Blowout of The Week

Seattle at Minnesota –11
Seattle has played 5 teams with winning records, and has been more or less boat raced in 4 of those 5 games. They did manage to beat the Jags, but have lost by 11, 17, 21, and 24 in the other games in which their opponent was north of .500.

Minnesota was almost lulled to sleep last week by Detroit, and still won going away. Either Favre or Peterson or both, is going to have a huge day here, catching a team who lacks consistency, playing their second straight roadie. 38-17 Vikings.

Last Week


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

NFL Week 10 in review

Bill Belichick has a .706 winning percentage in 10 years as New England’s head coach. He’s won 4 AFC titles, and 3 Lombardi Trophies. On fourth down situations versus the Colts, he has a 75% success rate when he opts to ‘go for it’. His team is 6-3, and will still probably finish at least tied for the second best record in the conference, ultimately leading to a rematch with Indy. Where will your team be in mid January?

The favorites only covered 5 of 15 games this weekend.

Why is Maurice Jones Drew’s kneel down at the one yard line, being referred to as a smart football play? It might be the dumbest play I’ve ever seen. And if Jack Duh Rio instructed his players to do it if presented with that situation, he should be fired immediately. Ask Tony Romo and Cowboy fan if chip shot field goal attempts can ever go wrong.

When asked whether Ladell Betts’ performance Sunday might’ve earned him the starting job, temporary coach Jim Zorn told reporters that players don’t lose their jobs due to injury, and that “Clinton” would be back. Stupidity, however, does cause coaches to lose their jobs.

Titans 86-year-old owner Bud Adams said that if he had known he was going to get a $250,000 bill in the mail from Roger Goodell for flipping the bird to Bills fans, he would’ve considered flinging his shit stained depend undergarments on them as well.

That Monday Night Football game last night sucked.

Friday, November 13, 2009

NFL Week 10

Dallas at Green Bay +3
Dallas went into their current two game road trip needing at least a split, in order to have a realistic chance to win their division. Their next two games are home versus Washington and Oakland- both games they will prevail in. So having taken care of business in Philadelphia Sunday night, and with two softies on the horizon, we anticipate a more sloppy, half assed performance by Team Wade.
Green Bay has lost two straight, including last weekend’s embarrassing defeat at the hands of some winless team who wore orange uniforms. The Pack has got to be on notice, playing in a conference that is going to require no less than 10 wins to make the playoffs.
Dallas is a pathetic 3-7 ATS in their last 10 roadies. Since 1992, NFL teams who are playing the second of consecutive road games, only cover 32% of the time. The home team in this match up over the last 8 is 7-1 ATS. Expect an inspired performance by a Green Bay team that needs a win.

Cincinnati +7 vs Pittsburgh
There is a betting theory in Vegas called the “Laker effect”. Basically, it refers to the number of So Cal, penny loafer wearing douche bags, who mingle around a sports book without a clue, making bets on their Lakers because it’s the last game on the board. This in effect, inflates the line in the Lakers games, giving the smart bettor an extra point or two on the team the Lakers are playing.
This football game has what we’d like to refer to as the “Fat ass, big haired girlfriend, mullet sporting loser, with every known piece of shit Steeler paraphernalia plastered on their Ford pick up, effect”.
Dudes, someone needs to give the Bungals some props. A legitimate argument could be made for them to be 7-1 at this point. They've beat everyone in their division- Baltimore twice, and they now get the Steelers on a short week in which the Steelers traveled across country, and the Bungals are getting 7 points?? Are you F**King kidding me???
On a neutral field, this game would be a pick’em. We like the Bungals, and we like them a lot.

Parlay Game of the Week
Washington +4.5/ Under 37
For starters, both of these teams like to play under games- Denver, 7 of their last 8, and the Redskins- 10 of their last 11 at Fed Ex Field. We also don’t like Denver coming off a short week and then having to travel. This game has a 13-10 Overtime final written all over it.

Lastly, if you’re chasing money going into Sunday night- which you shouldn’t be, after following this brilliant breakdown of the Sunday action, don’t be so quick to jump all over the undefeated home team, only laying three. Remember one thing about this match up: Belichick vs. 1st year head coach. Enough said.

Last Week


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

A Bad Night For Poker Purists

Poker pros and the elitists of the game, who argue until they’re blue in the face about how much of a skill game poker is, were left scratching their heads after this year’s Main Event final table. Broadcast Tuesday night on ESPN, the play by many left little to be desired, but it was the “luck” factor that had everyone talking.

A game that at best is 60% skill and 40% luck (sorry, Mr. Negreanu), was turned upside down over the weekend, as eventual champion Joe Cada came back from the depths of poker hell (at one point having less than 2% of the chips in play), to claim poker’s greatest prize.

In three crucial hands, Cada started with the three worst pocket pairs someone can have (44, 33, and 22), but managed to scoop the pot and double up each time. In only one of those three hands was Cada even close to being a pre flop favorite (even money to be exact), as his pocket 4’s held up versus Phil Ivey’s A8. The other two were complete ‘suck outs’, to the chagrin of his opponents.

He flopped a set of 3’s, versus Jeff Schulman’s JJ, and he flopped a set of 2’s versus Antoine Saout’s QQ. In both hands, Cada’s chips and tournament life were at stake.

What this Main Event proved, and quite loudly on a national TV scale, is that luck is much more a factor of the game, than the pros and online gambling advocates would like you to believe. Poker Pro and Jesus look alike Chris Ferguson, recently blogged about poker being a 100% skill game. A statement that stupid should get you crucified.

I agree that players like Phil Ivey are skilled crafty card players- who constantly outplay their opponents, many times with the worst hand. And Ivey’s success will attest to this.

But after watching Cada’s run to the top, with a horseshoe planted squarely up his ass, and seeing the likes of skilled, successful pros like Ivey, getting sent to the rail with much the superior hand preflop (his AK lost to Darvin Moon’s AQ- gee, imagine that), you can spare me with all the “it’s a skill game” talk.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NFL Week 9

San Diego at NY Giants –4.5
San Diego has won two in a row coming in, the G Men have lost 3 straight. This is the perfect trap game, for the idiot bettor. Degenerate gamblers everywhere, will be calling their man at 5 minutes until 4, or as close as they can up until kickoff, while keeping their eye on the Red Zone channel, to make sure some asshole coach like Sean Payton doesn’t stick his “backdoor cover” johnson up their three child support payments behind asses, to fuck up the 4 team teaser they have next month’s rent tied up in….. just so they can engage themselves in a losing proposition, with their once again renewed faith in Norv Turner.

This is the week the Giants will soundly end all of this “what’s wrong with the Giants?” talk. Chances of them losing 4 games in a row are slim and none. San Diego is 0-2 at east coast teams this year, 0-1-1 ATS. Charger fan will be looking at their TV with 2 minutes to go, the cameras will pan the Charger sideline, and there he will be- Norv Turner, with that stupid, “I’m a loser” expression on his face, and his infamous, "You bet your hard earned money on me, you stupid cocksucker?" body language. And you my friend, like the Bolts, will be a loser.

Carolina +13.5 at New Orleans
This game might feature the biggest ‘overlay’ all season. While everyone is all caught up in the hype of the new greatest show on turf, I’m going to have a go with the team who has won 3 of their last 4, after having started the season 0-3.

The Panthers are averaging almost 28 points per game, in the 3 wins over the last month, and their running game has shot up to 5th, in the entire NFL. On the flip side, the 7-0 Saints have shown some vulnerability over the past few weeks. In their last 3 games- 2 of which they could’ve lost, Gregg Williams’ defense has given up an average of almost 30 points in each of those contests. From what I could tell both from watching the game and from reading the post game stats, the ATL on MNF this past week moved the ball at will.

The visiting team in this match up is 15-2 ATS over the last 17. If the Panthers had been getting two touchdowns from the Saints, over the course of the last 10 times these two have played each other, the Panthers would be 9-1 ATS. The Panthers won 12 games last year. They were never as bad as their September record indicated.

Washington/Atlanta Under 41.5
Redskins played 5 straight unders prior to their MNF “performance” two weeks ago. And any donkey (man in the mirror) can tell you that had the zebras not flagged the Uggles on 3rd and long, with 4:37 to go, on a play that they had picked up the 1st down, that under streak would still be in tact.

Greg Blaiche and crew will keep the scoreboard manageable, especially after Blaiche delivers a pre-game pep talk, revolving around his admiration for serial killers. Expect the bye week to have the same affect on the Redskins, as a diet soda has on Rosie O’Donnell. Falcons win 24-9.

Last Week

Game of the Month (Baltimore)

Overall YTD

Rich Turpin's Very Super Forecast: The 2017 Washington Redskins

By. Rich Turpin Week 1, Philadelphia "Let me fleece Mr. Snyder first, and then I'll see you in 2018!" The Redskins op...