Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Everyone Should Pretend Nothing (was said), and Local Sports Talk Grades

Its been just over a week since Mike Greenberg subconsciously referred to Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as Martin Luther Coon, Jr. Day, and still no suspension from ESPN. Real shocker.

In light of the way they’ve dealt with controversy in the past, don’t hold your breath waiting for that little twerp to be kicked off the air; he’s white and he’s Jewish-apparently the prerequisites at ESPN for having carte blanche with your mouth.

It took the hypocritical network almost two weeks to suspend Barbaro Jacobson (white and Jewish) after her drunken tirade, ironically enough, at a Mike and Mike Roast, where they were celebrating 8 years of horseshit, vanilla radio.

Only after intense pressure from some of the religious right, did ESPN put their horse in the stable for a week, for her "Fuck Notre Dame, Fuck Jesus" performance in Atlantic City two years ago.

ESPN, however, acts more swiftly when you’re just one of their peons, and/or one of their ‘dumb, white’ ex-athletes, and not one of their squeaky-clean morning drive hosts. Take for instance, Bob Griese, who responded to a NASCAR promo of the Top 5 drivers, and the whereabouts of Juan Pablo Montoya by answering, “He’s out having a taco.”

Griese was suspended two days later, forced to apologize twice, and didn’t work his scheduled game the following weekend. All because he jokingly said that a Columbian born NASCAR driver might’ve been out having a taco. You know, sort of like Jeff Gordon might’ve been out having a cheeseburger and fries.

Black journalist Jemele Hill was suspended in 2008 for writing a column in which she compared rooting for the Boston Celtics to rooting for Hitler. Not that we understand the analogy, nor do we agree with whatever the fuck she was trying to say, but nevertheless, ESPN dropped the hammer on her immediately.

The real problem with Greenberg from our point of view is that there is NO WAY you can accidentally say Coon instead of King, unless of course you’ve jokingly said it before, and/or it’s in your subconscious. There is no doubt that he did not mean to say what he did, but that expression, Martin Luther Coon Jr, had to have been in his head for sometime, and that’s the problem as far as we’re concerned, when it comes to ESPN’s sweeping it under the rug.

Funny too, is the deafening silence emitted from all of ESPN’s employees. Especially that of Greenberg’s fellow Northwestern graduate Michael Wilbon. A lightning rod for racial inequalities, who has been extremely vocal about his opinion of the Rooney Rule, among other things. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/10/AR2007041001891.html

Maybe like the rest of the hypocrites at the 24 hour sports network, Wilbon is colorblind when it comes to critiquing one of his own. Especially if PTI contract negotiations are around the corner.

Someone who has not been silent is former ESPN employee Jason Whitlock, who has never been one to tow the company line. His opinion piece on this story is the type of journalism that led ESPN to fire him in the first place. You know, the “truth hurts” type of reporting.

Whitlock wrote, It's mind blowing that ESPN's Mike Greenberg could accidentally say "Martin Luther Coon" on national radio and TV on Martin Luther King's national holiday and ESPN take no punitive action.

I don't have any doubt that Greenberg regrets his mistake. I don't think his error necessarily paints Greenberg as a bigot. I don't think Greenberg should lose his job. But he should be required to do more than offer up a weak written apology. A short, paid suspension was warranted.

My tongue slips all the time. It's hard for me to fathom the King to Coon slip. King to Queen, King to Ding, King to Bling and King to Ring I totally get. King to Coon is off the table.

Greenberg has no discernible talent as a radio talk show host. ESPN pays him to say nothing and keep the "Mike and Mike" brand as non-controversial as humanly possible. He screwed up. “

We couldn’t have put it better.

Local sports talk 1067 The Fan is about 6 months into their all sports format, and it will be interesting to see how some of their new programming will fair moving forward without the luxury of talking football and/or Redskins non-stop.

The Sports Junkies, who continue to carry their own and actually sound like they’ve been there before, are the backbone for a station that appears to be searching for an identity. The additions of both the Mike Wise and Lavar Arrington Shows, leaves one to wonder at times if you’re listening to sports talk radio, or an audition for Revenge of The Nerds Part 3.

The Sports Junkies- who are basically veterans to this game, and who got into this business via a grass roots effort of local cable TV, audition tapes, and “team” unity- Chad Dukes, cough-cough-listen up, pass the torch each day to Mike Wise, a poster boy for guys who should remain behind the keyboard, and away from a microphone.

Trust me when I tell you, that once you subject your ears to the pabulum of talentless nouns, verbs, and adjectives that spew out of this stuttering and stammering fool’s mouth, you’re going to want to drive your car over a bridge, and into a watery grave.

Speaking of Ted Kennedy, sports fans in DC were subjected to 45 minutes of “Teddy Radio” the day the late Senator had to make his case to Saint Peter. Yeah, that’s right. Barely a month as “Washington’s New Sports Talk Radio!” The Mike Wise Show listeners were forced to listen to Mr. Wise go on and on and on, about what a great guy that dead senator was.

Nothing gets us more fired up for the upcoming NFL season, than turning on our sports talk radio station, and listening to “Billy Bleeding Heart” ramble on about what a pillar for morality that asshole Senator was. We’d rather be held down, and forced to listen to some PC conversation between two douche bag radio hosts, talking about what a horrible team name ‘Redskins’ is. Oh, that’s right. We heard that here too.

Besides the fact that he does interject his political views a little too much for ours and the rest of the 25-54 year old male sports fan audience he’s trying to capture, there are plenty of show moments that require us to talk our eardrums down off the ledge.

For starters, the chemistry between Wise and his co-host Bill Rowland is about as dynamic as OJ and Nicole, circa June 1994. You can almost see through your radio- the veins bulging in Rowland’s head, when Wise goes into one of his like clockwork absurdities.

Rowland, unlike his bald counterpart, seems to have somewhat of a grasp on the “keep it moving” philosophy of talk radio. At times its as if Rowland is a train conductor attempting to keep the train on the track, which has been hijacked by some drunk guy you’d see at a sporting event, running around looking for a camera with the “Hi Mom” sign held above his head.

From Wise’s show opening, in which he attempts to channel Bono from U2, only to come off sounding like Bono from Sonny and Cher- right before Sonny hit the tree, to his off timing, loss for words moments, just prior to when the show goes to break, the show’s “flow” leaves little to be desired.

We will say that Wise’s show has gotten better over the past couple months, and it sounds that maybe he is starting to get a little bit more comfortable in this medium. Wise gets major props for the aggressiveness in which he pursued (and broke) the Gilbert Arenas story, and some of his interviews, including that of the late George Michael, John Kent Cooke, and Redskin lawyer and Dan Snyder defender, David Donovan, have been the equivalent of radio gold. Mid season grade: C+

The other “new” show at The Fan is not going to receive as good of a grade, and if their show were a student, to go along with this analogy, they would be riding the short bus.

The Fan’s employment of former Redskin Lavar Arrington has become apparent to us that it was simply a name recognition move, based on the fact that, well, Lavar doesn’t have anything to say! And that’s not too oss-sum (as Lavar would put it) for sports talk radio.

Paired up with radio hack Chad Dukes- a Don Geronimo wanna be who’d be better suited talking about local theatre renovations, the show has all the makings of a late night drunken encounter involving a dirty magazine and a cheese grater.

Its no secret that The Fan was CBS’s answer to the Snyder empire led by ESPN 980, and that the talk would be primarily Redskins, but it became apparent early on that Arrington and Dukes- when it came to sports talk, were definitely one trick ponies.

Arrington and Dukes’ hand was exposed fairly early. Just prior to the Nationals signing Stephen Strasburg, Dukes eloquently predicted that if they did not do so, the team would soon become a candidate for contraction or relocation, despite just completing their second year in a brand new $800 million stadium, that was largely funded by public dollars. Sure, buddy. Whatever you say.

When talking about the scandal involving former ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips, Dukes and Arrington took the very vocal stand that Phillips got “screwed” by ESPN, and should have never lost his job. The conversation seemed to come to an abrupt end, when a caller informed these two knuckleheads, that this was Phillips' second brush with ‘shitting where he eats’, so to speak- having been fired from the New York Mets for essentially doing the same thing.

When they’re not fielding calls from Redskin fans telling Lavar what a great Redskin he was (which he was not), and how oss-sum it was that he ended Troy Aikman’s career (which he didn’t-it was a culmination of hits), they rehash Redskin related topics, until they’re forced to be exposed for their lack of substance, with regard to other sports related topics.

What makes it all the more aggravating is the arrogant style in which Dukes conducts himself over the air. If you didn’t know the facts about Dukes’ radio “career”, you’d think you were listening to a guy that has seen and done it all in the world of sports. In reality, you’re listening to a fat, non-athletic, video game playing, cheetos and booger eating thespian, whose latest role (after jettisoning “Big-O”) is that of an unknowledgeable sports talk radio host. Mid season grade: D-

Early ratings for both Wise’s and Arrington’s shows have been good. But don’t let the numbers fool you. Today’s terrestrial radio market offers very few options to the consumer. Both of these shows also have the luxury of virtually having no competition in their time slots, or at least any that’s worth a shit. As of this posting, sports talk show giants Colin Cowherd and Jim Rome don’t even have a DC affiliate. Boasting about a ratings victory over the likes of Wash FM’s elevator music and whatever John Thompson is saying, is not going to get you laid.

The Junkies will continue to entertain, give opinions that make sense, and be secure in their seats in the morning drive. Unfortunately for the other programming, the luxury of talking football will all be moot in two weeks. Lets hope the casual fill-ins like B. Mitch and Al Koken are a sign of future programming to come. And if not, we can only hope that the powers that be at CBS radio are currently scouting other “talent”, better than lets say, Vinny Cerrato did.

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Conference Championships

Minnesota at New Orleans-3.5
The gig is up this week for the 40-year-old magician. We realize he’s accomplishing things at 40 that only the likes of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire have achieved (in a much tougher sport, we might add), but this is the week Tony Kornholio’s look alike and Brett Fah-ver-rah’s ship comes crashing down.

Going on road record alone, Tony Kornholio’s look alive is a distressing 2 games under .500 at the helm in Minnesota. And it’s about par for the course, considering his team finished 4-4 this year on the road, and lost 3 of their 4 final roadies.

Brett Fah-ver-rah is not exactly a bookie’s nightmare either when it comes to playing on the road. Just take a look at his last 5 years- you know, during the time when he’s had his (wink-wink) “second wind”, he’s only 19-21 straight up. And his playoff numbers aren’t exactly Aikman, Elway, or even Steve Young-esque either. In 23 career playoff games, he has turned the ball over a staggering 33 times.

Consider the atmosphere at the Superdome this weekend, when thinking about the previous mentioned. We realize that the Saints did have a lull late in the season, as they were punked by Dallas and we’re totally caught off guard by Tampa. But just remember what this team did for the majority of the season, and what they did last weekend to the defending NFC champions. They were averaging over 38 points per game at one point, and at the Superdome this season, beat their opponent by an average score of 33-20.

Reggie Bush has fresh legs, Drew Brees looked like a killer again, and the Saints have a renewed confidence in themselves following last weekend’s demolition job on Arizona. Play the Saints with confidence. They will be rolling into Miami.

NYJets +8 at Indianapolis
When investing hard earned green on football teams that consist of players and coaches who make more than most will make in a lifetime, playing the “Knute Rockne” rah-rah, shish- com- fucking bah angle of Rex Ryan- who has had a Superbowl itinerary laid out for his team since Christmas, might not be the most prudent of plays. But something has got to be said for the cock strong attitude of that obnoxious bastard, because we do believe he has that team believing it.

Over the course of their last 8 games, the league’s #1 ranked defense (which by the way, defense does win football games, right?), is only giving up 9 points per. From the other perspective, the highest ranked defense that the Colts beat all year, were the #7 ranked Broncos. The games in which Indy covered, or put up monster numbers in, were all against teams whose defenses were north of the #20 rank. Check it for yourself- blowouts and/or covers versus Mia (22nd), Arz (20th), Sea (24th), Tenn (28th, twice), St. Louis (29th).

The games in which they did not cover, OR scored less than 20 points, were against the # 1 ranked Jets, the #3 ranked Ravens, the #13th Texans, and the #15th ranked 49ers.

Anyway, we have absolutely no confidence laying major jack on the Colts in this spot. Peyton Manning was ‘off’ last week against the Ravens, and the Colts had the benefit of both a few timely penalties called their way, and the Ed Reed fumble after the pick- which most certainly would’ve resulted in a non-cover. Also, the Colts have absolutely NO running game, and the Jets do. The Jets posted 202 against the Colts in last months alleged “scab” game.

We don’t like a blowout scenario whatsoever. The Jets D is too tough, their coach has them playing above their heads, and maybe, just maybe, his parade through downtown Manhattan will prove to be fruition. J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.

Last Week

Playoffs ATS

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Friday, January 15, 2010

NFL Playoffs: Week 2

Although we don’t have any cool stories for you about whom we caddied for this week at Bel Air Country Club, nor do we have any ‘nuggets’ regarding Tiger Woods, but at least we can pick NFL football winners.

7-2 ATS over the past three weeks, and 2-0 last week, including calling an out right winner with Baltimore, and you would’ve thought we could’ve gotten some free pub courtesy of 1067 The Fan’s Sports Junkies http://junks.tv/. But as Papa Lurch told us, Bret Oliverio-the king of all anti-payola producers, gave Lurchy the Heisman to our request, and the ‘Yack’ got wacked.

Arizona +7 at New Orleans
The Saints have been struggling ever since Washington Post Live’s Ivan Carter made a Hurricane Katrina reference the week of the Redskins/Saints game. http://www.sportsyackontap.com/2009/12/when-levee-breaks.html

Hurricane Ivan must’ve packed a punch with his words, or maybe he simply jinxed them, because the last 6 weeks for the team formerly rooted for by paper bag wearing, unintelligible drunks, has been a total nightmare.

Beginning with that game in Washington- in which the Saints were completely outplayed and somehow escaped with a victory, against arguably one of the worst teams in the league, things have gotten progressively worse. They followed that with a 3-point victory against an average Atlanta team. They then got their asses handed to them in prime time, at home against Dallas. Followed that monstrosity, with a home loss against the lowly Bucs, in a game in which the Saints starters all played, and finally lost at Carolina, in which the confidence needing starters rode the pine.

All told, the Saints lost three straight to end the regular season, 5 straight ATS, and have only covered twice in their last 10 games played. Not to mention they finished the last month of the season only scoring 22.5 per, after a season average that was in the upper thirties. Defensively-as much credit as the newly bloated defensive coordinator Gregg Williams gets, they were only ranked 25th overall.

Arizona and Kurt Warner have stepped up all year. Although they may have gotten complacent last week, as the fact is, they were up 24-7 at one point and 31-10 at another, most certainly coming out with guns a blazing- in what we believe could’ve been a rout had Larry Fitzgerald not coughed up the football, as Zona was about to apply the death grip to The Pack's throat.

The Cardinals to us seem to be able to turn it on and off at moment’s notice. And when the stakes are high, they usually come up aces. They were 6-2 on the road, including tough road wins at NYGiants and Chicago. They simply blistered Minnesota at home about a month ago, and Kurt Warner is just the man in these situations.

ATS, if you throw out the Week 17 game against Green Bay, in which Arizona rested most of their starters, they’ve covered 7 of 9 coming in. We like the value of getting a full touchdown and extra point- something you won’t get next week, even if the Saints were to pull this game out. Expect a replay of the GB/ARZ game from last week, and lay your money with Warner and 7. We’re not as high on this game if the line drops between now and kickoff, but we’re also not in the business of excuse making. Cardinals.

Dallas/Minnesota Over 45.5
Dallas has been tighter than a drum defensively. Over the last month, they’re only giving up an average of 10 points per contest, throwing two shutouts during that same time span. Over their last 10 games, they’ve only played in 2 overs. We’re playing the over here because of the due factor with the Cowboys, with regard to their totals, and the fact that they're drawing a pretty explosive team in this spot with Minnesota.

Minnesota is 8-0 at home this year. They are also scoring lights out when in the friendly confines of that dome. Take a look at Minnesota’s point totals- just in their last 4 home games; 35, 36, 30, and 44. Over the course of the season, they’re averaging almost 32 points scored in games played in the Metrodome. That’s pretty good.

Favre will get his, with his arsenal of talent, and Romo will answer, against a pass defense that was only ranked 19th.

Baltimore at Indy-6.5
We will acknowledge up front that we are simply picking this game based on a prediction we made three weeks ago, after Jim Caldwell and the Colts pulled their starters in a game they eventually lost. The Sportsyack War Room was a flutter with talk about how we’d hate to draw the Colts in the divisional round, following the public scrutiny they took.

We have not wavered on that ‘gut feeling’, and we still feel this game is going to be a class 1 boat race.

For starters, Baltimore’s bread and butter over the last two months of the season has been their run game. The Colts are only one of two teams to contain them to less than 100 yards rushing(98), in the 17-15 victory they had in Baltimore back in mid November.

We were somewhat impressed with the Ravens victory last weekend, although we did see it coming. New England was a pretender. This week Joe Flacco is going to have to throw the ball for more than 34 yards to beat Peyton Manning, and we’re not in the business of investing hard earned green on Joe Flacco, when the QB on the other side of the ball is Peyton Friggin Manning.

One other thing to dissect and think about with regard to this contest ATS, is that the Colts were 14-0 at one point. Fourteen and Oh. As in 14 wins, zero losses. They might’ve been 16-0 entering this contest, if they so chose to go for perfection. But they were 14-0. Did we tell you that this team was 14-0 at one point?

Baltimore snuck into the playoffs at 9-7, be it a much harder schedule, but nevertheless, 9-7. Our value minds at work here, and you’re telling us that we can get Peyton Manning at home, with a team who was 14-0, laying less than a touchdown and extra point, against a team who entered the playoffs by the skin of their teeth at 9-7?

Where’s the nearest McDonalds drive thru, because we’d like to super size this meal? Colts will answer all of their critics’ questions soundly.

Last Week

Playoff Record

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Friday, January 8, 2010

NFL Playoffs: Week 1

To the Steeler fan(s) who ‘commented’ back to us regarding last weekend’s game in Miami, about what “fucking idiots” we are, and how you’d “come find you dumbass, and cut you” (this is how it was written verbatim), we acknowledge that you are right, and we are wrong. We definitely took the Dolphins getting the three points, and you and your boys went out and got it done. You beat a third string quarterback, but nevertheless, it’s all about scoreboard, when the clock hits zero.

Our objective in this column is to entertain, and provoke thought- not to stir up old cast members from the film ‘Deliverance’. Its always been clear to us- and it’s reiterated with emails like the ones you sent us after Sunday’s game, that Steeler fans are the most ignorant, inbred idiots in all of football. And your stupidity in sending us threatening emails is par for the course, when we refer to you and your team as big ass, big hair, and big truck nation.

Since you won’t have any teams to root for this weekend, we suggest you head on down to the Breezewood stop located between Pittsburgh and D.C. There is a 50% off sale on Slim Jims, cigarettes, and hair spray. Scoreboard. Enjoy your off season.

Philadelphia at Dallas-4
We could pretty much copy and paste everything we told you about this game last week, and apply it for the rematch for this week’s game. You’re still looking at a Dallas Cowboy team who has been peaking since that beat down they gave the Saints in prime time three weeks ago. Their defense is giving up virtually nothing, and Tony Romo is playing almost mistake free football.

Philadelphia is still not the same team without a younger and healthier Brian Westbrook. And if there ever could be a case to make an argument that an 11-5 football team is just average, this year’s Philadelphia Eagle team might make that case.

For starters, they are the only playoff team who did not beat a team in the regular season who went on to make the playoffs (0-4). We also didn’t care for what they “accomplished” in their head to heads with Dallas.

In the first game in Philly, the Eagles were held to just 88 yards on the ground, and 16 points. Last weekend was even worse; 37 total yards on the ground, and “zero-point-zero” points. (Shout out to Dean Wormer)

The real tell tale for us, was the size of the egg laid by the Eagles, with the enormity of what was on the line last weekend. A number two seed in the NFC, a week one bye, and a home playoff game when the divisional rounds start, and that’s the best you could do, Eagle fan?

We wouldn’t read too much into Dallas’s ability or inability to beat the same team three times in one season; Dallas is going to beat that Eagle ass, and they’re going to do it rather easily. They’re the better team, and they’re playing as good as anyone right now. 31-10 Cowboys.

Baltimore +3 at New England
The talk around the Sportsyack war room this week (which by the way, the Sportsyack war room is a one bedroom apartment, littered with dead drain flies, old FHM magazines that are unreadable, and the stench of ass) was that if we wagered on the Ravens/Patriots game, we weren’t going to piss our money away, betting against Tom Brady and Bill Belichek. Let the urination flow of our hard earned green backs commence.

New England has not been that great against the number. Since their bye week 9 weeks ago, they’re only 2-6-1 ATS. They enter this game with a defense ranked just 11th, after having top 10 defenses in Foxboro, for 9 consecutive years. Additionally, the loss of Wes Welker is huge. He caught 123 balls this year, versus Randy Moss’ 83. The Ravens will now have to contend a much older and less effective Randy Moss, and a rookie 7th round pick from Kent State.

Baltimore might be the most underrated team in the post season. They had the toughest schedule, having played 9 games in the regular season that featured playoff teams. They only won 2 of those 9, but managed to beat San Diego on the road, and should’ve beat Minnesota on the road, blowing a double digit lead in the fourth quarter.

Over the last month of the season, they have absolutely run the dog piss out of the football. They ran for 242 against Detroit, 124 against Chicago, 175 against Pittsburgh, and another 240 against Oakland. That’s an amazing 192 yards rushing, per game.

They could’ve run the table in December, except for two touchdowns called back for penalties and a touchdown drop by Derrick Mason against the Steelers.

New England did beat the Ravens 27-21 in week 5, but again it featured a huge Raven drop. This time it was Mark Clayton, who dropped a 4th down pass from Joe Flacco on New England’s 10 yard line, as the Ravens were driving down the field for a possible go ahead score, late in the fourth quarter.

The Patriot dynasty started its descent when David Tyree caught that ball with his helmet, 2 years ago in the Superbowl. It continued with Brady’s injury in week 1 the following year, and has continued with free agent losses, more injuries, and Belichek’s loss of faith in his once dominant defense (see 4th and 2 against Indianapolis on their own 28).

The line is suspiciously low, getting the Pats at home and only having to lay a field goal. The line of suckers waiting to get down on the Pats in this spot is out the door. Don’t follow the masses here. Baltimore wins outright, in what will most likely be a low scoring affair.

Regular Season Record

Playoff Record
0-0, Clean Slate

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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tigerless, Tikiless, Brainless

The Bore Tour Begins
The PGA Tour’s 2010 season opens this week (insert cricket chirping sound bites). What, Y.E. Yang and Stewart Cink just don’t do it for you?

Not that the opening two weeks in golf has ever done that well going head to head with the NFL playoffs, but Tim Finchem and the rest of the tour better hope that Tiger gets all of his waitress banging done soon, so that he can head back to the tee with his clubs and that camera smashing, asshole caddy of his.

Ratings are like night and day when Tiger is not in contention, let alone when he’s not even teeing it up. And with TV negotiations to commence towards the end of this year, and 8 Tour sponsorships expiring at year’s end, the Tour cannot afford to take too many mulligans moving forward.

When Tiger injured his knee in ’08, and left the tour after his U.S. Open victory for surgery, rehab, and slump busters on the side- his absence was felt almost immediately. That year’s PGA Championship, which was played two months later and was won by Padraig Harrington, had a 55% rating drop from that previous year’s event-which by the way, Tiger won. As a whole, golf ratings were down 47% during Tiger’s injury leave.

When Tiger teed it up in the ’09 PGA Championship, and was in contention through Sunday, eventually losing to the before mention Y.E., ratings were up 150% from the previous year in which he was injured.

Tiger Woods is golf, both from a compelling aspect and a financial one. So regardless of if you’re a fan of his or not- if you enjoy golf, you had better hope he gets back to banging drivers and hoisting trophies. And soon.

Stay Away From Our Team, Tiki Tequila
If I’m an NFL franchise owner, coach, or player, I’m banning all my players, coaches, and myself, from having any interactions with this Tila Tequila character.

First it was Charger linebacker Shawne Merriman, and his arrest following an alleged assault on Miss Tequila last September. Now it appears Ms. Tequila was the lesbian lover of and engaged to NY Jets owner Woody Johnson’s troubled daughter, Casey- who was just found dead in L.A. on Monday.

We’re not sure what’s more ironic: the fact that Tequila has had multiple issues, with two different people associated with the NFL, within a few months of each other, or the fact that in the last paragraph, in just one sentence- we were able to successfully use the words ‘lesbian’, ‘woody’, and ‘Johnson’- and we still managed to keep a straight face.

Ms. Tequila seems to be to the NFL, what that Hawaiian tiki doll was to the Bradys. If you’re a die hard Brady Bunch fan (and loser) like we are, you’ll remember that when Mike Brady took the crew to Hawaii for both business and pleasure, at one point he had to check on some construction that his firm was under taking.

Upon doing so, he dragged that little twerp Bobby along with him, and while Mike was there evaluating the jobsite- and probably some of the workers’ asses, Bobby found a weird looking tiki doll amongst the rubble.

He then lent it to big brother Greg, who wore it around his neck during some stupid surfing competition in which he almost drowned. Then when that other nerd brother Peter wore it around his neck, a big spider crawled on him, and I think some big wall ornament almost fell on him.

The point is; please keep Tiki Tequila, or whatever the fuck her name is, away from everything NFL. We're starting to wonder if this crazy bitch was the one driving the truck Chris Henry fell out of. Things do happen in threes, right?

Utter Stupidity
You’re pretty much screwed now, Gee-Bert. I know your “awe shucks”, “gee wiz-ards” attitude about joking around with some guns in the locker room, has gone way too far than you had ever intended it to, but now that Reverend Al Sharpton has given David Stern permission to drop the hammer, you can pretty much forget about the rest of this season, and probably most of the next.

Quite frankly, I’m glad Reverend Al spoke up and gave the dress code enforcer permission to punish IQ Zero. It helps define Gee-bert's stupidity, without getting everyone's panties in a wad over race, once the white employer hammers the black employee, who just so happened to bring guns to work with him.

And while the rest of the country- who just so happens to pay IQ Zero’s salary, is working two jobs and praying for loan modifications as the economy continues to shit itself, certain athletes like IQ Zero continue to ho-hum it, usually with the face of ignorance. They're pedestalled at a very young age, usually skipping the lessons in life that involve responsibility and accountability. They then get paid and proceed without a care in the world. (see Tuesday night's post game, lockerroom interview with the press. pathetic and embarrassing.)

Name another person in this country, who wouldn’t have already been locked up right now, had they pulled the same stunt at their place of employment. How many other employers in this country will rehire convicted felons- like the NFL did with Michael Vick and the NBA most surely will with IQ Zero, once the court system is through with him? (Carrying unlicensed guns in D.C. is a felony, and can be punishable by up to 5 years in prison. IQ Zero, allegedly, owns 4 unlicensed guns).

If the now 28 year old Arenas- or quite frankly his handlers or employers, are too naïve to recognize that the man they just paid $100 million to, might need to freshen up on the D.C. gun laws before he starts rolling around the Phone Booth like Butch fucking Cassidy, then we have no sympathy for any of the parties involved.

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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Heating Up For the Post Season

Pittsburgh at Miami +3
LaMarr Woodley is the latest player/fan/critic of the NFL to come strong to the boards with his vagina at full arousal. Following a week of bitching and whining from most of the English-speaking world- about how football fans everywhere were cheated out of watching possible perfection in Indianapolis, Mr. Woodley has stepped up to the mike with his helmet and a box of tampons.

It seems the Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker is a little concerned that other teams around the league-specifically the Patriots and Bengals, could “lay down” in games that are practically meaningless for them, because they don’t want the Super Bowl champions to make the playoffs.

Heavy flow month, LaMarr? Because we'd like you to cry us a fucking river.

How about taking care of business, when the business is there to be taken care of? You know, kind of what Jim Caldwell and the Colts have done.

How about beating a 5-10 Oakland team at home? How about beating 3-12 Kansas City or 4-11 Cleveland? How about splitting with divisional rival Cincinnati? You can’t win one of those games? We realize the Bengals are a much-improved 10-5 this year, but world-beaters? Twice?

Are we asking too much, LaMarr?

Bottom line for big ass, big hair, and big truck nation (and Mr. Woodley), is that the Steelers suck. 5 game losing streaks in a 16 game season are unrecoverable, besides the fact that they have not been the same since Troy Polamalu went down, and Big Ben started sporting the porn stache.

ATS, we’re not sure “suck” is a strong enough word to describe them. The Steelers have only covered one game in their last 7, and that was in week 12 at Baltimore, when they were getting a whopping 9 points.

Miami, on the other hand, had been strong prior to last week’s disappointing loss to the Texans. They had covered 3 in a row and 4 of their last 5.

At the end of this ass kicking- and that’s what will go down in south Florida this weekend, LaMarr and the black and gold, won’t have to concern themselves with what other teams are doing. Dolphins will win this game going away, and Big Ass Nation can then take all their Terrible Towels, and stick them up their stupid fucking-'crying the blues' asses. Ask us how we really feel.

Philadelphia/Dallas Under 47
We’re playing the under here, even though we do like Dallas' late season play and their virtual slamming the door in the face to all this nonsensical swoon talk. We just have a hard time laying 3 points against a team who has won 6 straight coming in, and who also took care of business big time, in a very similar spot last year.

As far as the total is concerned, look at Dallas’ last 8 games, and throw out the highest and lowest game totals. What you’re left with is a team who is giving up very little, and who is playing in games that are only averaging 31 total points.

In fact, Dallas has only given up more than 20 points once in their last 9 games. And in 3 of those games, they gave up 7 points or less. They’ve gone under in 7 of their last 8, and these two teams only combined for 36 points in their first tussle.

We advise under, and a Dallas/Under parlay or teaser, if your lack of substantially meaningless games this weekend, has you fixing for a little bit more action.

Last Week


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