Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Tigerless, Tikiless, Brainless

The Bore Tour Begins
The PGA Tour’s 2010 season opens this week (insert cricket chirping sound bites). What, Y.E. Yang and Stewart Cink just don’t do it for you?

Not that the opening two weeks in golf has ever done that well going head to head with the NFL playoffs, but Tim Finchem and the rest of the tour better hope that Tiger gets all of his waitress banging done soon, so that he can head back to the tee with his clubs and that camera smashing, asshole caddy of his.

Ratings are like night and day when Tiger is not in contention, let alone when he’s not even teeing it up. And with TV negotiations to commence towards the end of this year, and 8 Tour sponsorships expiring at year’s end, the Tour cannot afford to take too many mulligans moving forward.

When Tiger injured his knee in ’08, and left the tour after his U.S. Open victory for surgery, rehab, and slump busters on the side- his absence was felt almost immediately. That year’s PGA Championship, which was played two months later and was won by Padraig Harrington, had a 55% rating drop from that previous year’s event-which by the way, Tiger won. As a whole, golf ratings were down 47% during Tiger’s injury leave.

When Tiger teed it up in the ’09 PGA Championship, and was in contention through Sunday, eventually losing to the before mention Y.E., ratings were up 150% from the previous year in which he was injured.

Tiger Woods is golf, both from a compelling aspect and a financial one. So regardless of if you’re a fan of his or not- if you enjoy golf, you had better hope he gets back to banging drivers and hoisting trophies. And soon.

Stay Away From Our Team, Tiki Tequila
If I’m an NFL franchise owner, coach, or player, I’m banning all my players, coaches, and myself, from having any interactions with this Tila Tequila character.

First it was Charger linebacker Shawne Merriman, and his arrest following an alleged assault on Miss Tequila last September. Now it appears Ms. Tequila was the lesbian lover of and engaged to NY Jets owner Woody Johnson’s troubled daughter, Casey- who was just found dead in L.A. on Monday.

We’re not sure what’s more ironic: the fact that Tequila has had multiple issues, with two different people associated with the NFL, within a few months of each other, or the fact that in the last paragraph, in just one sentence- we were able to successfully use the words ‘lesbian’, ‘woody’, and ‘Johnson’- and we still managed to keep a straight face.

Ms. Tequila seems to be to the NFL, what that Hawaiian tiki doll was to the Bradys. If you’re a die hard Brady Bunch fan (and loser) like we are, you’ll remember that when Mike Brady took the crew to Hawaii for both business and pleasure, at one point he had to check on some construction that his firm was under taking.

Upon doing so, he dragged that little twerp Bobby along with him, and while Mike was there evaluating the jobsite- and probably some of the workers’ asses, Bobby found a weird looking tiki doll amongst the rubble.

He then lent it to big brother Greg, who wore it around his neck during some stupid surfing competition in which he almost drowned. Then when that other nerd brother Peter wore it around his neck, a big spider crawled on him, and I think some big wall ornament almost fell on him.

The point is; please keep Tiki Tequila, or whatever the fuck her name is, away from everything NFL. We're starting to wonder if this crazy bitch was the one driving the truck Chris Henry fell out of. Things do happen in threes, right?

Utter Stupidity
You’re pretty much screwed now, Gee-Bert. I know your “awe shucks”, “gee wiz-ards” attitude about joking around with some guns in the locker room, has gone way too far than you had ever intended it to, but now that Reverend Al Sharpton has given David Stern permission to drop the hammer, you can pretty much forget about the rest of this season, and probably most of the next.

Quite frankly, I’m glad Reverend Al spoke up and gave the dress code enforcer permission to punish IQ Zero. It helps define Gee-bert's stupidity, without getting everyone's panties in a wad over race, once the white employer hammers the black employee, who just so happened to bring guns to work with him.

And while the rest of the country- who just so happens to pay IQ Zero’s salary, is working two jobs and praying for loan modifications as the economy continues to shit itself, certain athletes like IQ Zero continue to ho-hum it, usually with the face of ignorance. They're pedestalled at a very young age, usually skipping the lessons in life that involve responsibility and accountability. They then get paid and proceed without a care in the world. (see Tuesday night's post game, lockerroom interview with the press. pathetic and embarrassing.)

Name another person in this country, who wouldn’t have already been locked up right now, had they pulled the same stunt at their place of employment. How many other employers in this country will rehire convicted felons- like the NFL did with Michael Vick and the NBA most surely will with IQ Zero, once the court system is through with him? (Carrying unlicensed guns in D.C. is a felony, and can be punishable by up to 5 years in prison. IQ Zero, allegedly, owns 4 unlicensed guns).

If the now 28 year old Arenas- or quite frankly his handlers or employers, are too naïve to recognize that the man they just paid $100 million to, might need to freshen up on the D.C. gun laws before he starts rolling around the Phone Booth like Butch fucking Cassidy, then we have no sympathy for any of the parties involved.

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