Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Tony the Tiger, and Tiger the Tiger

ESPN, on the heals of not suspending one half of its radio vanilla team for inappropriate remarks made on Martin Luther King Day, was quick to lower the boom on one of our favorite punching bags, Tony Kornheiser.

Completely blowing out of the water the suspension theories of ESPN we came up with a few blogs back, the sometimes douchey, yet at times interesting radio/TV host (and admitted non Direct TV sports package getter), has been suspended for two weeks from his PTI program, for comments he made about fellow ESPN colleague Hannah Storm.

Essentially comparing his ESPN colleague to an adult film star getting ready to film a scene in which she emulates a catholic schoolgirl (ok, so far what’s the problem?), Kornholio made the comments last week on his radio show, and we couldn’t agree with him more.

For probably a year or more now, Hannah Storm has been dressing like some single mother who goes to Back to School night, dressed in a mini skirt and “F-me” pumps.

This past Sunday morning’s Sports Reporters, in which she was one of the three guests on the panel, was an absolute debacle. I didn’t know whether to grab my pen and gambling sheet- to write down my W’s and L’s as the NBA and NCAA scores rolled across the ticker, or to grab that special sock of mine and the bottle of Jergens in my closet, as Hannah gave her take on Tiger’s apology.

We’re big fans, Hannah. And yes, you’re an attractive 40 something. But give it a rest. We don’t need to see Cherry Forever from Porky’s, every time we turn on Sportscenter. There is a way to dress appropriately, yet still convey sex appeal; just ask Erin Andrews or Suzy Kolber. The long and short of it, put on some friggin clothes already.

We’re 5 days removed from Tiger’s press conference to the 12 people and the one camera in the room that worked, and the further removed we become from that absurdity, the angrier we get with a guy who is sliding fast on our “like” meter.

In a scene that looked more suitable for one of those al qaeda terrorist videos in which they lop off a dude’s head at the end, we’re not sure- considering the circumstance of waiting 3 months after the fact, that Tiger and his “team” could’ve done a worse job. In fact, if Tiger’s PR team were a camera, his boy Stevie would’ve hurled it into the nearest lake.

Besides not answering the only question anybody really cares about- Tiger’s timeline for his return to golf, we were clued in on Tiger’s plan for redemption courtesy of Buddhism, and were lectured on why, “Elin should be praised, not blamed!”

He did share with us his venture into sex rehab, and the progress he hopes to make there.

Sex rehab?? What exactly is sex rehab?? I'm pretty sure sex rehab is a bullshit excuse rich/prominent people like Tiger and Steve Phillips use, when their wieners get them in hot water.

I mean, what's going to happen to Tiger as a result of being in a sex rehab? Will he come out of it incapable of achieving an erection? Will he get violently ill, ala A Clockwork Orange, everytime he sees some hot broad in the gallery? I mean, what the fuck, dude?! Sex rehab. Ha ha ha ha ha......

To the apologists like the before mentioned Mike and Mike, PTI’s Wilbon, and most of the other ESPN cult members who gave Tiger a pass, Tiger’s true feelings with regard to this entire clusterfuck, have been right here in front of us from day 1.

I suggest you pay attention to the fear and the panic in his voice- not during that 13-minute speech Phil Knight wrote for him the other day, but in the voicemail he left his “girlfriend” on Thanksgiving night. That voicemail sounded a little bit more real than some guy trying to convince us of his newfound “faith” in Buddhism, and lecturing us on who and what is off limits.

We love Tiger, and we think he is essential for bringing the excitement back to golf. But that read he conducted the other day is doing him no favors in the court of public opinion. He could’ve delivered the “information” he gave us on Friday, 2 months ago, and he and us would now be 2 months removed from this circus. But instead, we’re back at square one- with no answers, no timeline, no nothing.

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Why It's Closed Doors

First set of questions submitted to Tiger Woods by various media outlets, and why he and his camp eventually decided on a closed door policy:

Tiger, what creates more calluses/blisters on your hands- three hours with Hank Hanne on the driving range hitting balls, or 4 weeks in a sex rehab clinic without any strange?

Tiger, what do you think about the male chauvinistic theory, that somewhere in this world, a guy is sick of banging "that hot chick"?

Tiger, can we smell your fingers?

Tiger, is Jesper Parnevik still on your Facebook page?

Jack Nicklaus is the Golden Bear, and from some accounts, you’re into Golden Showers. Explain to us how special that is for you and your legacy.

Tiger, with regard to the Perkins waitress, did you ever out of habit,try to repair any of the pot marks in that fat broad’s ass, inadvertently mistaking them for ball marks?

Are your kids upset that they won’t be having any step siblings, courtesy of some chick who starred in movies titled “Big Breasted Nurses” and “Milf Worship 4”?

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

Superbowl This, NASCAR

Four score and 7 years since its start, the 2010 Daytona 500 is finally in the books. Thank god! Jamie McMurray took the white/yellow/blue/green/purple checker, while avoiding pot holes and small children.

Pot holes, NASCAR? This is supposed to be your friggin "Superbowl", for Christ's sake! 198 laps of wasting my fucking time, for 2 laps of somewhat excitement, does not qualify yourself to be compared to the biggest game on the planet!

That debacle today that you call your Superbowl, could only be compared to the real Superbowl, if the NFL had forced the Saints and Colts to play on a field covered in dog shit and broken beer bottles. But since the NFL didn't do that, please don't insult our intelligence, and come up with another nickname. Like Shitfuckbowl, or something along those lines.

What will you introduce next year, railroad crossings? Traffic cops? Deer?

Better yet, in between the 7 hours of pot hole repair and "DW" giggily talking about how hard Junior is coming, why don't you set up toll booths? Just think of all those unlucky bastards who don't get the Fast-toll put in their windshield.

Sobriety check points would also be imaginative. Or at least sobriety check points set up in the living rooms of the poor bastards who sit and watch that garbage all day.

In fact, I'll go ahead and volunteer my lack of sobriety. Watching that race forced me to get piss drunk, and in between flipping channels between the Pebble Beach golf tournament and the pot hole repair at Daytona, I think I shit myself. Or maybe that was my dog farting. Whatever the case, that race drove me to drink, and it smells like shit in my living room.

Seriously NASCAR, do yourself and all your fans a favor. On the super speedways, disallow drivers like Joe Nemechek and Christy Wallace to compete, and only line up the top 20 drivers. Put them in two rows of 10, and then just run continuous 5 lap shootouts, until there is just one car left standing.

Each 5 lap race could be worth 'x' amount of dollars and there could be a bonus for the one car who is left at the end. No red or yellow flags will be allowed, and everyone goes balls out until the checker flag is dropped. For cars that wreck during these 5 car sprints, the wrecked drivers must stay in their cars until the sprint is complete, and the drivers still competing, must navigate their way around the carnage. That would be cool.

And then maybe we'll allow you to ease back into referring to the Daytona 500 as the Superbowl of racing. But until then, get your orange flag crew and cones out, repair your god damn race track, and try not to embarrass yourself next year.

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Friday, February 12, 2010

All Aboard

On the eve of the last game(s) to be played prior to the two-week break for the Olympics, Washingtonians need to put down their Washington Redskin mock draft selections, and pay attention to what’s going on with their hockey team. And based on TV ratings over the past month, apparently some are. But for those of you who haven’t yet, listen up.

Just a stone’s throw from the DC Metro suburbs, the NHL’s greatest player is playing for the NHL’s top team. Alexander Ovechkin, who is a fricken bull in a china shop on the ice, leads the league in both points and goals scored. His physical presence is second to none, especially for someone whose an offensive juggernaut. Wednesday night’s goal that wasn’t (that really was), in which it appeared Ovi took out the entire Montreal Canadian team in the process, was a perfect example of why you need to watch him and this team. We’re not sure DeAngelo Hall or Dirty Thirty laid as much wood all of last season, as Ovi did on that single play.

As a team, the Capitals lead the Eastern Conference in points and are tied with San Jose for most points in the entire league. And whether you’re checking out the occasional game at the Verizon Center, or you’re simply watching them on TV, it’s hard to argue the “most bang for your buck” theory, when it comes to this team.

For starters, its hard to find a person, regardless of their interest level in hockey, who will tell you they had a bad time, or weren’t impressed with the NHL game they actually went to see in person. And from the television viewing level, we’re not sure another professional sport has benefited more from the technological advance that is High Definition, than hockey has.

Granted, the Masters golf tournament is a little bit money in HD (we’re golf nerds, sorry), as are the NFL telecasts, which have always been great viewing, but hockey has definitely been the big winner in terms of High Def television. Very rarely will you be unable to follow the puck, the ice looks like a mirror on you’re TV- its so placid, and in Washington, you get the Joe Beninati experience.

For those of you not familiar with Joe Beninati, once you watch a couple or three Caps telecasts, you’ll wonder how the hell this dude isn’t working at a national level.

A consummate pro who is always aware of the clock, the players involved, line shifts, etc.-all while bouncing conversation off a complimentary Craig Laughlin, listening to Joe Beninati call a hockey game is simply a great sports viewing experience.

His tone and use of hockey vernacular, are constantly on pace with the fast moving game that he’s calling. Him and Laughlin, with sometime “sideline” or studio reporting by Al Koken, are as good as any broadcasting lineup Monday Night Football ever threw out there, and that includes the “Dandy” Don and Howard Cosell days.

As a lifelong Washingtonian and Cap “fan”, who remembers the Home Team Sports days of Mike Fornes and the before mentioned Koken, and who can still vividly remember staying up until almost 2 a.m. Easter Morning 1987, to watch the 4 overtime “Easter Epic” between the Caps and the Islanders, we’ll still take Beninati and crew 7 days a week, and twice on Tuesdays.

The Capitals are coming off back to back losses, following a 14 game winning streak, and are going to have to “clean up” their play on their end of the ice, in terms of defending and clearing the puck. Their F-bomb slinging and no nonsense head coach Bruce Boudreau has indicated that this will be the focus while practicing with the players who aren’t making the trip to Vancouver.

So if pitchers and catchers reporting doesn’t do it for you, or if you’re bummed because we’re still 5 weeks until the first round of the NCAA basketball tournament, then do yourself a favor and check out the Caps Saturday night on Comcast.

You’ll get one of the top teams in the league, with the best player in the league playing for them, with a top notch play by play and color crew working the telecast. And it’s in HD, baby.

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Monday, February 8, 2010

Ending On A Winning Note

Peyton Manning is only one of seven quarterbacks to play in at least 18 playoff games. The other six are Montana, Brady, Bradshaw, Elway, Favre, and Marino. Only four of those six have more than one Superbowl ring, and those 4 guys (for the most part), played on teams whose defenses were smothering, and whose running games complimented their quarterback play.

Manning’s Colts, in their Superbowl winning season of 2006, were only ranked 21st in total defense, and had the league’s 18th best running game. This year’s team was 11th in total defense- which is ok, but not great, and their running game was a dismal 31st.

Pittsburgh’s Steel Curtain in the seventies, or some of the no-name running attacks that Mike Shanahan put together behind John Elway, would put this Colts team to shame, and certainly took a big burden off their ‘field general’.

Bottom line to the Manning haters: the Colts were a 6-10 or 7-9 football team if Peyton Manning is not at the helm. The chatter in sports talk radio land today is that of disdain for Manning, and wonderment of if he really is as good as once thought. We’ll answer that question for you real quick; YES, he is.
You want to start talking about where Manning ranks? I’ll put it to you this way. If “Quarterback 101” becomes a college course in campuses across this country, its game film of Peyton Manning they’re showing to the students.

The dude is the epitome of a field general, and he’s exactly the type of quarterback every owner in the NFL would want leading their teams. With all due respect to Montana and Elway who came before him, and Tom Brady who is still playing (sort of), Peyton Manning is the guy you mold your future quarterback son after.

Having said that, we were on the right side of the line here, and we do appreciate Mr. Manning’s "pick six" late in the fourth to secure our point spread and straight up winner. But the dude is still up there as one of the all time best.

Isn’t it funny how Bill Belichek gets crucified for going for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 because of his fear of Peyton Manning’s abilities, yet today Sean Payton is a fricken genius? What’s the saying, winning cures everything?

You take the points when you’re down 10-3 late in the first half- especially when you’re kicking off to start the second half. 4th and goal from pretty much the 2-yardline is roll out the kicker time, not roll out the dice time. Granted, his defense bailed him out, and the Saints scored the 3 prior to halftime, but that was an awful decision.

Secondly, what is he doing an onsides kick for to open the second half? It was totally unnecessary. His offense and defense played very well up to that point, and if you don’t recover that kick, Peyton Manning has the ball on your own 40, and you’re staring 17-6 in the face.

Honestly, those two play calls were two of the dumbest calls by any coach all year. And unlike what Jay Marrioti said today on Around the Horn, had the Saints not recovered that kick, and the Colts had gone on to win, Payton would have been killed by the sports media. And deservedly so.

The Who left little to be desired as the game's halftime act. No one is disputing the quality of their music catalog, or the fact that they are iconic rock’n’rollers, but there is a time and a place for everything, and watching two British guys who haven’t had a solid bowel movement in 10 years “rock out”, is not our cup of tea for the ‘big game’.
Note to Pete Townshend: stick to “wind milling” your wheel chair, and questionable Internet sites. Note to the NFL: Next year, don't consider any bands who played the original Woodstock Festival. Thank you.

Dan Snyder sent an e-mail to Mother Nature late last night, asking her if she could wallop the D.C. Metro area this September with a category 5 hurricane.

NBC and Dick Ebersol were happy campers yesterday as the Penguins/Capitals match up lived up to the hype of a game featuring the league’s two biggest stars.

After falling behind 4-1, which included two goals by Sid the Kid, the Capitals came roaring back behind a hat trick from one of the top 5 athletes on the planet, Alex Ovechkin.

The Capitals eventually won 5-4 in overtime, and secured NBC’s highest NHL rating of the season. This comes on the heals (locally) of huge Comcast ratings for the past month for Capitals' telecasts.

Hopefully as Ovi and the Caps continue their pursuit of Lord Stanley’s Cup, the Comcast folks will respond to ‘the numbers’ by flip flopping already scheduled Bullets games, and putting the Caps on the High Def channel instead. The Bullets season is shot, and the Caps and their fans deserve the luxury of the High Def signal.

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Saturday, February 6, 2010

One Final Look Into The Future: Superbowl Weekend

8:17 a.m. Saturday
Woke up suddenly after only 4 hours of sleep. Head is rockin like Dokken. Played poker until almost 4, and drank like I was on Nancy Pelosi’s bar bill. I flip on ESPNews to see if the Phoenix/Sacramento game went over the total. I think I bet it. Actually, if I bet it, what did I need? Fuck me.

10:55 a.m.
Dwight Freeney’s ankle takes a shit, and it does not double flush as a courtesy to the others that might come in after it. Point spread moves another half point for the ‘big game’.

11:27 a.m.
The point in time when I realize that rubbing a bar of soap across my ass and brushing my teeth from ‘this stank’ is going to have to happen soon or I just might vomit on myself.

12:00 p.m.
Georgetown/Villanova rescheduled due to weather. Damn, was looking forward to the Hoyas whipping that Scottie Reynolds’ ass.

2:35 p.m.

On location from Miami, former ESPN talking head and current MSNBC ‘countdowner’ Keith Olbermann, rejects an associate producer’s idea to use John Edwards as Monday’s “Worst Person”. Olbermann feels that just because a guy fucks some woman on the side while his wife is going through cancer treatments, impregnates her in the process, convinces a staffer to take the blame for the “sperm that got through”, and then beats his wife’s ass (allegedly) over the Christmas holidays when she informs him the marriage is over, doesn’t necessarily qualify a person as being such a bad guy.
Olbermann finally settles on a recipient, and drunkenly exclaims at a Superbowl party, “that fucking asshole Tim Tebow is going to get it on Monday night!”

3:33 p.m.
Taking a gander at the telly, I notice that every swinging dick news station in Washington is pre-empting both the college basketball and the third round of the golf tournament for “snow coverage”. F Pat Collins, that overly dramatic bastard! Its just snow, for Christ’s sake! Its a lot of snow, no less, but its still just snow!

4:12 p.m.
Back down in Miami, an unemployed John Melendez, formerly Stuttering John of the Howard Stern Show, and of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, attempts to get back into Howard’s good graces by asking Archie Manning, in front of a room full of people, the following question.
“In light of your sub par career, at what point will you come forward and admit that both Peyton and Eli were the result of sperm donors?”

5:07 p.m.
Text messages start to fly amongst the yackers, and the topic of conversation involves where the drinking shall commence, and are there any descent bars open in this debacle of a snow storm.

6:00 p.m.
The Saints meet for a final walk through and then a team dinner. Upon reviewing the menu, Saints’ defensive coordinator Gregg Williams tells the waiter, “I’ll take it.”

9:15 p.m.
Clydes in Ashburn is overflowing with drunks, and its become apparent that my car most likely will not be moving for the second night in a row. I whip out the blackberry, log onto, and fill out all my pertinants. No worries, my mother has other children she’s proud of.

11:12 p.m.
“Stumptown” tells the girl whom he’s been talking to for an hour, that he would be, “the greatest 22 seconds” she’ll ever have.

12:44 a.m. Superbowl Sunday
Kim Kardashian and her ass sneak up into Reggie’s room and the Bush gets a pre-game pounding. Reggie sprains a groin in the process, getting down graded to ‘Questionable’ on the Saints official injury report to the league. Point spread moves again.

1:45 a.m.
Mike Greenburg stumbles out of a club in South Beach, and while walking back to his hotel, makes a B-line and crosses the street, to avoid the two big black guys that are heading in his direction.

9:45 a.m.
Holy Shit, get that monster off my TV!! Oh, never mind. Those are just Mitch Albom’s ears on ESPN’s The Sports Reporters.

10:11 a.m.“Stretch Face” Jenner, while walking with his lovely ladies to brunch, wonders why his step daughter Kim is walking like she’s got a telephone pole shoved up her ass.

11:52 a.m.
I have already seen no less than 6 commercials this morning that featured Peyton Manning in them, yet I am still making the case to myself that the smart money is on the Saints. They led the league in points, and yet Vegas and the public feel like they still deserve more?? Which is exactly why we’re going heavy on the Saints +4.5. Its time to get serious.

The devil’s advocate will play the “So you’re going to bet against Peyton Manning?” card, and that’s a relevant question, but the value in this game is getting 4.5 points when you’re laying your cash on the league’s highest scoring team.

We’re not going to think too much about what we feel has been an unimpressive two games thus far for Indy. They struggled against Baltimore and for the first half against the Jets, simply got their asses kicked. The Saints on the other hand, did absolutely destroy a tired Arizona team, but came back the next week and should’ve lost to Minnesota, so there are definitely cases to be made for and against both teams.

Ultimately, we like the Saints offense better, and we do think that the bloated D coordinator for Norleans will game plan ways to disrupt Peyton, similarly to how he did with Brett Favre. Take the Saints, take the over- it should be a score fest, and watch your money roll in. 38-24 Saints.

(And may the snow stop at some point this weekend, so that the Penguins charter can get into town, and The Great Eight can lay the wood to Sid The Kid and crew. Good night and good luck.)

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Learning to Be A Better Runway Model

Gilbert Arenas proved one thing with his Washington Post op-ed piece; that his agent has ties to some pretty good PR folks.

We’re not trying to suggest that he wrote the damn thing and then had someone edit it. We’re suggesting that he was lying on a beach in the Caribbean sucking down Mai Tais, when a hotel staffer walked out with a laptop, and simply had Gilbert press the Send key- forwarding the piece directly from his agent to the Post.

Actually, we’re pretty damn sure he hasn’t even read the piece himself!

Does anyone on the planet actually believe that there is that much contrition within him? “The Post suggested on Dec. 31 that I send a message to young fans . . . “ December 31st?! It’s fucking Groundhog Day, dude. As in almost 6 weeks after the act itself!!

We feel like Bill Murray watching Gilbert playfully shoot up his teammates during pre-game warm-ups, over and over again. He couldn’t find an hour in January to sit down and write some sort of heart-felt apology to the fans? Apparently DC Superior Court and David Stern were too much of a nuisance, and cut into Gilbert’s prose time.

Here is what Gilbert and his PR team are hoping to accomplish: Gilbert and his "team" know he has clearly worn out his welcome in D.C. Bad knees and guns don’t mix. And he’s pissed that the Wiz brass didn’t stand by him during this debacle. So he is auditioning for his next suitor, attempting to show humbleness in hopes that there is a chance that another team and another city will pay him the big bucks that he thinks he deserves – warts and all.

Now we’re no saints (or colts for that matter), but we’ve been around the block enough to know that anyone performing a pre-meditated act- whether it be murder, stealing, assault, rape, infidelity, what have you- can’t possibly be as sorry for their actions as they would have you believe. Sure, they feel sorry for themselves because they got busted. But they had plenty of time to think about the repercussions of their actions, before they did the deed.

“Guns and violence are serious problems, not joking matters – a lesson that’s been brought home to me over the past few weeks.”

Seriously, Gilbert?! Do you live in fucking Switzerland in the off-season? It takes suspension and possible jail time for you to realize that guns and violence are serious problems?!

If it looks like bullshit, smells like bullshit, and tastes like bullshit......

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Monday, February 1, 2010

Quick Hitters

The Pro Bowl sucks. If there is a bigger waste of time in sport other than the Pro Bowl, we have yet to discover it. None of the players want anything to do with it and the public is even less interested. Roger Goddell should do us all a favor and get rid of the game. If you really must, do the voting and elect pro bowlers without the game. Announce the pro bowlers in some sort of ceremony prior to kickoff or halftime at the Super Bowl, in between all the “cool” 60+ rock n rollers.
“Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Chad Ochocinco……and now ladies and gentlemen, for your halftime entertainment, lets give it up for Herman’s Hermits!!”

We have a good rebuilding plan for the Wizards. Trade for Greg Oden, and then start him at center, and his penis at power forward.
Seriously, how does that guy get out of bed in the morning with that 2 liter bottle of Coke hanging between his legs? I had always felt somewhat adequate about myself in the pants department until I saw those online photos, but now I feel like an incubator baby.
It's a shame that his knees haven't been able to hold up here in the early stages of his career, but at least now there is a reasonable explanation for why. If it doesn't work out in the NBA, I'm sure he'll have success turning that thing into a luxury cruise liner or a draw bridge over the Mississippi River. Either way, the real “Dirk” is playing in Portland, not Dallas.

The Redskins fired their strength and conditioning coaches last week. Albert Haynesworth said he "doesn't understand the moves."

The Ravens hired Jim Zorn as their new QB Coach. The hiring has sparked a debate over interviewing practices within the league. However, the Ravens argue that the hiring of Zorn puts them in full compliance with the "Retard Rule."

Duke is no longer a national powerhouse in basketball. As college basketball fans, we’re pretty tired of having them force fed down our throats every season by ESPN and Dick Vitale, when in reality they are average at best.
They are not a national championship contender this year, nor will they be one next. They have not advanced past the Sweet 16 since 2004, and they most certainly will not scare that round this year.
Newsflash to Coach Ratatouille: your salary is paid by Duke University. That being said, it might be a good idea for you to put down your USA Basketball duties and get back to recruiting all the top notch talent that is no longer interested in going to your nerd infested school.
Speaking of which, could you mix in some attractive females down at that school for Christ’s sake? Its gotten so bad in the Ugly Tree Department, that some public school districts with a high rate of teenage pregnancy, have begun showing crowd shots from Duke games as a method of birth control.

Lastly, there was a PGA Tour event this weekend. Tiger still isn't playing, so we’re not even sure if the tournament counted or if it was all just an exhibition, or what the fuck it was, because until taking a gander at the final round coverage, I was almost certain D.A. Points and Michael Sim were the contractors we hired to build the addition onto our home. Nevertheless, one newsworthy development came from this event. Phil Mickelson wore white pants.
I don't know if it's the smaller boobs that Phil has been showing off lately or the illegal wedges that he's been playing with, but Phil is clearly feeling better about himself. SLOW DOWN PHIL!
You are slimming down and we congratulate you on that, but you still have the look of a guy capable of shitting himself at any moment. We just don't want to see the hot dog and Snickers bar you scarfed down at the turn, come back to pay you a visit, while standing over a 6 footer for par at the U.S. Open. And as we recall, you’re quite capable.

Lastly #2, C-A-P-S, CAPS, CAPS, CAPS!!!

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Rich Turpin's Very Super Forecast: The 2017 Washington Redskins

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