Saturday, February 6, 2010

One Final Look Into The Future: Superbowl Weekend

8:17 a.m. Saturday
Woke up suddenly after only 4 hours of sleep. Head is rockin like Dokken. Played poker until almost 4, and drank like I was on Nancy Pelosi’s bar bill. I flip on ESPNews to see if the Phoenix/Sacramento game went over the total. I think I bet it. Actually, if I bet it, what did I need? Fuck me.

10:55 a.m.
Dwight Freeney’s ankle takes a shit, and it does not double flush as a courtesy to the others that might come in after it. Point spread moves another half point for the ‘big game’.

11:27 a.m.
The point in time when I realize that rubbing a bar of soap across my ass and brushing my teeth from ‘this stank’ is going to have to happen soon or I just might vomit on myself.

12:00 p.m.
Georgetown/Villanova rescheduled due to weather. Damn, was looking forward to the Hoyas whipping that Scottie Reynolds’ ass.

2:35 p.m.

On location from Miami, former ESPN talking head and current MSNBC ‘countdowner’ Keith Olbermann, rejects an associate producer’s idea to use John Edwards as Monday’s “Worst Person”. Olbermann feels that just because a guy fucks some woman on the side while his wife is going through cancer treatments, impregnates her in the process, convinces a staffer to take the blame for the “sperm that got through”, and then beats his wife’s ass (allegedly) over the Christmas holidays when she informs him the marriage is over, doesn’t necessarily qualify a person as being such a bad guy.
Olbermann finally settles on a recipient, and drunkenly exclaims at a Superbowl party, “that fucking asshole Tim Tebow is going to get it on Monday night!”

3:33 p.m.
Taking a gander at the telly, I notice that every swinging dick news station in Washington is pre-empting both the college basketball and the third round of the golf tournament for “snow coverage”. F Pat Collins, that overly dramatic bastard! Its just snow, for Christ’s sake! Its a lot of snow, no less, but its still just snow!

4:12 p.m.
Back down in Miami, an unemployed John Melendez, formerly Stuttering John of the Howard Stern Show, and of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, attempts to get back into Howard’s good graces by asking Archie Manning, in front of a room full of people, the following question.
“In light of your sub par career, at what point will you come forward and admit that both Peyton and Eli were the result of sperm donors?”

5:07 p.m.
Text messages start to fly amongst the yackers, and the topic of conversation involves where the drinking shall commence, and are there any descent bars open in this debacle of a snow storm.

6:00 p.m.
The Saints meet for a final walk through and then a team dinner. Upon reviewing the menu, Saints’ defensive coordinator Gregg Williams tells the waiter, “I’ll take it.”

9:15 p.m.
Clydes in Ashburn is overflowing with drunks, and its become apparent that my car most likely will not be moving for the second night in a row. I whip out the blackberry, log onto, and fill out all my pertinants. No worries, my mother has other children she’s proud of.

11:12 p.m.
“Stumptown” tells the girl whom he’s been talking to for an hour, that he would be, “the greatest 22 seconds” she’ll ever have.

12:44 a.m. Superbowl Sunday
Kim Kardashian and her ass sneak up into Reggie’s room and the Bush gets a pre-game pounding. Reggie sprains a groin in the process, getting down graded to ‘Questionable’ on the Saints official injury report to the league. Point spread moves again.

1:45 a.m.
Mike Greenburg stumbles out of a club in South Beach, and while walking back to his hotel, makes a B-line and crosses the street, to avoid the two big black guys that are heading in his direction.

9:45 a.m.
Holy Shit, get that monster off my TV!! Oh, never mind. Those are just Mitch Albom’s ears on ESPN’s The Sports Reporters.

10:11 a.m.“Stretch Face” Jenner, while walking with his lovely ladies to brunch, wonders why his step daughter Kim is walking like she’s got a telephone pole shoved up her ass.

11:52 a.m.
I have already seen no less than 6 commercials this morning that featured Peyton Manning in them, yet I am still making the case to myself that the smart money is on the Saints. They led the league in points, and yet Vegas and the public feel like they still deserve more?? Which is exactly why we’re going heavy on the Saints +4.5. Its time to get serious.

The devil’s advocate will play the “So you’re going to bet against Peyton Manning?” card, and that’s a relevant question, but the value in this game is getting 4.5 points when you’re laying your cash on the league’s highest scoring team.

We’re not going to think too much about what we feel has been an unimpressive two games thus far for Indy. They struggled against Baltimore and for the first half against the Jets, simply got their asses kicked. The Saints on the other hand, did absolutely destroy a tired Arizona team, but came back the next week and should’ve lost to Minnesota, so there are definitely cases to be made for and against both teams.

Ultimately, we like the Saints offense better, and we do think that the bloated D coordinator for Norleans will game plan ways to disrupt Peyton, similarly to how he did with Brett Favre. Take the Saints, take the over- it should be a score fest, and watch your money roll in. 38-24 Saints.

(And may the snow stop at some point this weekend, so that the Penguins charter can get into town, and The Great Eight can lay the wood to Sid The Kid and crew. Good night and good luck.)

Follow us on Twitter@sportsyack

1 comment:

  1. Thank you. I fucking hate snow coverage. They act like the redcoats are coming down the Atlantic to try and take back the US. It's mother fucking snow, and all you have to do is look outside to get the story.
    If you're lucky enough not to have your show cancelled then they shrink it down about 50% and put up the graphic with snowflakes coming down all around your screen and the cancellations up top. Lose the GD snowflakes and just post every 5 minutes "EVERYTHING YOU CAN THINK OF IS EFFING CANCELLED."


Rich Turpin's Very Super Forecast: The 2017 Washington Redskins

By. Rich Turpin Week 1, Philadelphia "Let me fleece Mr. Snyder first, and then I'll see you in 2018!" The Redskins op...