Monday, February 1, 2010

Quick Hitters



The Pro Bowl sucks. If there is a bigger waste of time in sport other than the Pro Bowl, we have yet to discover it. None of the players want anything to do with it and the public is even less interested. Roger Goddell should do us all a favor and get rid of the game. If you really must, do the voting and elect pro bowlers without the game. Announce the pro bowlers in some sort of ceremony prior to kickoff or halftime at the Super Bowl, in between all the “cool” 60+ rock n rollers.
“Peyton Manning, Chris Johnson, Chad Ochocinco……and now ladies and gentlemen, for your halftime entertainment, lets give it up for Herman’s Hermits!!”


We have a good rebuilding plan for the Wizards. Trade for Greg Oden, and then start him at center, and his penis at power forward.
Seriously, how does that guy get out of bed in the morning with that 2 liter bottle of Coke hanging between his legs? I had always felt somewhat adequate about myself in the pants department until I saw those online photos, but now I feel like an incubator baby.
It's a shame that his knees haven't been able to hold up here in the early stages of his career, but at least now there is a reasonable explanation for why. If it doesn't work out in the NBA, I'm sure he'll have success turning that thing into a luxury cruise liner or a draw bridge over the Mississippi River. Either way, the real “Dirk” is playing in Portland, not Dallas.


The Redskins fired their strength and conditioning coaches last week. Albert Haynesworth said he "doesn't understand the moves."


The Ravens hired Jim Zorn as their new QB Coach. The hiring has sparked a debate over interviewing practices within the league. However, the Ravens argue that the hiring of Zorn puts them in full compliance with the "Retard Rule."


Duke is no longer a national powerhouse in basketball. As college basketball fans, we’re pretty tired of having them force fed down our throats every season by ESPN and Dick Vitale, when in reality they are average at best.
They are not a national championship contender this year, nor will they be one next. They have not advanced past the Sweet 16 since 2004, and they most certainly will not scare that round this year.
Newsflash to Coach Ratatouille: your salary is paid by Duke University. That being said, it might be a good idea for you to put down your USA Basketball duties and get back to recruiting all the top notch talent that is no longer interested in going to your nerd infested school.
Speaking of which, could you mix in some attractive females down at that school for Christ’s sake? Its gotten so bad in the Ugly Tree Department, that some public school districts with a high rate of teenage pregnancy, have begun showing crowd shots from Duke games as a method of birth control.


Lastly, there was a PGA Tour event this weekend. Tiger still isn't playing, so we’re not even sure if the tournament counted or if it was all just an exhibition, or what the fuck it was, because until taking a gander at the final round coverage, I was almost certain D.A. Points and Michael Sim were the contractors we hired to build the addition onto our home. Nevertheless, one newsworthy development came from this event. Phil Mickelson wore white pants.
I don't know if it's the smaller boobs that Phil has been showing off lately or the illegal wedges that he's been playing with, but Phil is clearly feeling better about himself. SLOW DOWN PHIL!
You are slimming down and we congratulate you on that, but you still have the look of a guy capable of shitting himself at any moment. We just don't want to see the hot dog and Snickers bar you scarfed down at the turn, come back to pay you a visit, while standing over a 6 footer for par at the U.S. Open. And as we recall, you’re quite capable.


Lastly #2, C-A-P-S, CAPS, CAPS, CAPS!!!

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