Sunday, February 14, 2010

Superbowl This, NASCAR

Four score and 7 years since its start, the 2010 Daytona 500 is finally in the books. Thank god! Jamie McMurray took the white/yellow/blue/green/purple checker, while avoiding pot holes and small children.

Pot holes, NASCAR? This is supposed to be your friggin "Superbowl", for Christ's sake! 198 laps of wasting my fucking time, for 2 laps of somewhat excitement, does not qualify yourself to be compared to the biggest game on the planet!

That debacle today that you call your Superbowl, could only be compared to the real Superbowl, if the NFL had forced the Saints and Colts to play on a field covered in dog shit and broken beer bottles. But since the NFL didn't do that, please don't insult our intelligence, and come up with another nickname. Like Shitfuckbowl, or something along those lines.

What will you introduce next year, railroad crossings? Traffic cops? Deer?

Better yet, in between the 7 hours of pot hole repair and "DW" giggily talking about how hard Junior is coming, why don't you set up toll booths? Just think of all those unlucky bastards who don't get the Fast-toll put in their windshield.

Sobriety check points would also be imaginative. Or at least sobriety check points set up in the living rooms of the poor bastards who sit and watch that garbage all day.

In fact, I'll go ahead and volunteer my lack of sobriety. Watching that race forced me to get piss drunk, and in between flipping channels between the Pebble Beach golf tournament and the pot hole repair at Daytona, I think I shit myself. Or maybe that was my dog farting. Whatever the case, that race drove me to drink, and it smells like shit in my living room.

Seriously NASCAR, do yourself and all your fans a favor. On the super speedways, disallow drivers like Joe Nemechek and Christy Wallace to compete, and only line up the top 20 drivers. Put them in two rows of 10, and then just run continuous 5 lap shootouts, until there is just one car left standing.

Each 5 lap race could be worth 'x' amount of dollars and there could be a bonus for the one car who is left at the end. No red or yellow flags will be allowed, and everyone goes balls out until the checker flag is dropped. For cars that wreck during these 5 car sprints, the wrecked drivers must stay in their cars until the sprint is complete, and the drivers still competing, must navigate their way around the carnage. That would be cool.

And then maybe we'll allow you to ease back into referring to the Daytona 500 as the Superbowl of racing. But until then, get your orange flag crew and cones out, repair your god damn race track, and try not to embarrass yourself next year.

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