Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Tony the Tiger, and Tiger the Tiger

ESPN, on the heals of not suspending one half of its radio vanilla team for inappropriate remarks made on Martin Luther King Day, was quick to lower the boom on one of our favorite punching bags, Tony Kornheiser.

Completely blowing out of the water the suspension theories of ESPN we came up with a few blogs back, the sometimes douchey, yet at times interesting radio/TV host (and admitted non Direct TV sports package getter), has been suspended for two weeks from his PTI program, for comments he made about fellow ESPN colleague Hannah Storm.

Essentially comparing his ESPN colleague to an adult film star getting ready to film a scene in which she emulates a catholic schoolgirl (ok, so far what’s the problem?), Kornholio made the comments last week on his radio show, and we couldn’t agree with him more.

For probably a year or more now, Hannah Storm has been dressing like some single mother who goes to Back to School night, dressed in a mini skirt and “F-me” pumps.

This past Sunday morning’s Sports Reporters, in which she was one of the three guests on the panel, was an absolute debacle. I didn’t know whether to grab my pen and gambling sheet- to write down my W’s and L’s as the NBA and NCAA scores rolled across the ticker, or to grab that special sock of mine and the bottle of Jergens in my closet, as Hannah gave her take on Tiger’s apology.

We’re big fans, Hannah. And yes, you’re an attractive 40 something. But give it a rest. We don’t need to see Cherry Forever from Porky’s, every time we turn on Sportscenter. There is a way to dress appropriately, yet still convey sex appeal; just ask Erin Andrews or Suzy Kolber. The long and short of it, put on some friggin clothes already.

We’re 5 days removed from Tiger’s press conference to the 12 people and the one camera in the room that worked, and the further removed we become from that absurdity, the angrier we get with a guy who is sliding fast on our “like” meter.

In a scene that looked more suitable for one of those al qaeda terrorist videos in which they lop off a dude’s head at the end, we’re not sure- considering the circumstance of waiting 3 months after the fact, that Tiger and his “team” could’ve done a worse job. In fact, if Tiger’s PR team were a camera, his boy Stevie would’ve hurled it into the nearest lake.

Besides not answering the only question anybody really cares about- Tiger’s timeline for his return to golf, we were clued in on Tiger’s plan for redemption courtesy of Buddhism, and were lectured on why, “Elin should be praised, not blamed!”

He did share with us his venture into sex rehab, and the progress he hopes to make there.

Sex rehab?? What exactly is sex rehab?? I'm pretty sure sex rehab is a bullshit excuse rich/prominent people like Tiger and Steve Phillips use, when their wieners get them in hot water.

I mean, what's going to happen to Tiger as a result of being in a sex rehab? Will he come out of it incapable of achieving an erection? Will he get violently ill, ala A Clockwork Orange, everytime he sees some hot broad in the gallery? I mean, what the fuck, dude?! Sex rehab. Ha ha ha ha ha......

To the apologists like the before mentioned Mike and Mike, PTI’s Wilbon, and most of the other ESPN cult members who gave Tiger a pass, Tiger’s true feelings with regard to this entire clusterfuck, have been right here in front of us from day 1.

I suggest you pay attention to the fear and the panic in his voice- not during that 13-minute speech Phil Knight wrote for him the other day, but in the voicemail he left his “girlfriend” on Thanksgiving night. That voicemail sounded a little bit more real than some guy trying to convince us of his newfound “faith” in Buddhism, and lecturing us on who and what is off limits.

We love Tiger, and we think he is essential for bringing the excitement back to golf. But that read he conducted the other day is doing him no favors in the court of public opinion. He could’ve delivered the “information” he gave us on Friday, 2 months ago, and he and us would now be 2 months removed from this circus. But instead, we’re back at square one- with no answers, no timeline, no nothing.

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