Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Making The Case For Drank and Skank

"Golf is 90% between your ears."

Anyone who has played the game has heard that expression at some point in their life. Nobody is excluded. The amateurs who compete for the $10 nassau, or the guys on tour who will be competing for a green jacket next week at Augusta; the game of golf can be a total mind fuck.

Limiting ones distractions, and keeping one self in the "right" frame of mind, are keys to maintaining a consistent and successful game. Getting outside of one's comfort zone, regardless of the circumstance, is a recipe for disaster, and it's exactly why Tiger Woods won't even crack the top 10 next week.

Last week on ESPN's Sports Reporters, midget Mike Lupica joined many drive by golf fans, who feel Tiger will win going away. Their naivete to the complexity of the game, and the notion that a horse for a course can just show up after a 5 month lay off and win, is laughable.

Being John Daly is The Golf Channel's look at the other most polarizing figure in golf, John Daly. The show itself is nothing to write home about. It's basically 30 minutes of watching Daly struggle to make cuts, as he smokes cigarettes and some buxom brunette follows his every move. Not much substance, but it does clearly convey to the audience, what the two time major winner has morphed into; one miserable son of a bitch.

Daly certainly became a victim of his own devices. The women, the drink, the gambling, the weight- Daly brought new meaning to the expression "taking it to another level". He claimed he drank a 5th of Jack Daniels, every day during the year in which he was 23. Over the years, his excuse for not working out was that gyms and fitness clubs throughout the world wouldn't allow him to smoke while doing so.

Throw in the 3 or 4 ex-wives, the countless weekend benders in Vegas, and its safe to say that the dude liked to party.

And then at the beckoning of the golf world, and all the do-gooders who knew what was best for John, he gave up all his fixes, mixed in a stomach staple, and lost his ability to play golf along the way.

Tiger's vices were exposed less gradually. His day after Thanksgiving morning impression of Ted Kennedy leaving a Boiler Room Girls party, pretty much felted his once blemish less image. No meltdowns. No whispers of malice. The dude was the epitome of perfection, and in one fell swoop (of a fire hydrant, a tree, and a 9 iron to Tiger's big teeth) it was gone.

Tiger's attempt to explain himself, both in the 13 minute speech Phil Knight wrote, and the 5 minute interviews he gave both ESPN and Golf Channel, were pathetic. "45 Days of treatment", "45 Days of treatment","45 Days of treatment" and he wishes he could talk to his dad for some sound advice.

Really, Tiger? Earl Woods allegedly had women on the side as well, and he didn't even want Tiger to get married in the first place. He once told the New York Times, "I’ve told Tiger that marriage is unnecessary, in a mobile society like ours.”

Speaking of Earl and Tiger, the curiosity is killing this cat, when it comes to that alleged "air tight/loving" relationship Tiger had with his late father. It will be interesting to see if Tiger's soon to be ex-wife, will shed some light on what might be just another sham, sculpted by the same Tiger image developers.

Both Tiger and Daly have developed the deer in the headlights look. They're lost. Daly with no confidence and no game, Tiger with no control. It remains to be seen what effect it will have on Tiger's game, but we're suspecting a negative one.

Both of these guys are going to need to get back on THEIR routine- not the routine that others think is best for them, if they want to get back to doing what they do best on the golf course, and reclaiming the happiness in their lives, that their talents provide them.

For Daly, that's going to mean the morning Bloody Mary. Its going to mean that he can throw back a few pops with the boys at the end of the round, without everyone looking at him like he's got three heads. We're sympathetic to the problems Daly has had in the past with alcohol, but Daly and the ones who love him the most, are going to have to put two and two together, and accept the fact that the drink is part of Daly's game.

Figure out a responsible drinking plan for the man. Sad as it is, but it's true-it's what Daly knows, and its how he learned to play golf.

Not every missed cut needs to result in him passing out drunk and naked in a Hooters parking lot. Not every fireside guitar sing-a-long, requires 19 beers and 4 shots of liquor. Its called moderation. And its what Daly and his handlers need to accept. Moderation will set Daly free, and bring him back to prominence, and allow him to prosper again.

Daly is almost 44 years old, he has absolutely no status on Tour, and yet he does have the talent to win again. If not now, in six years when he'll qualify for the Seniors Tour. His boy Freddie Couples is tearing that Tour to shreds right now, and that's not far from the realm of possibility, for a guy with Daly's talents.

The pink elephant in the room, is the drink in the glass that Daly wants to put to his lips, to help calm his nerves over those 4 foot putts. The sooner he takes the edge off, the sooner he'll find success again on the golf course.

For Tiger, its a little bit more complicated. For starters, its going to mean calling it a day with Elin. Figure out the financials, figure out what's best for the kids, and move the fuck on, dude. You've disgraced her and yourself, and the anxiety and stress you feel now, will continue to hover over your head, as long as you're pretending to be the happy husband and father that you're not.

Secondly, he needs to reach out and talk to 'his boys'. According to both Mark O'Meara and Charles Barkley (both good friends of Tiger's), Tiger hasn't spoken to either of them since all this shit went down. Not even a phone call.

Who doesn't turn to their friends, when the chips are down? That in itself, is odd and abnormal behavior, and its another example of one doing something for the pleasure of people other than yourself.

Lastly, and most importantly, Tiger is going to have to get back to crushing ass. Porn stars, IHOP waitresses, super market check out girls; whatever tickles his fancy, like his loyal sponsor Nike says, Tiger is just going to have to do it.

He's not a sex addict. That's the silliest and stupidest fucking excuse ever. He's a rich guy with a penis, who should've never gotten married. He's the biggest athlete on the planet, he has an ego and a bank account big enough to match it, and he follows the 'variety is the spice of life' quote to a tee. Its that simple.

Wanting to hammer "that hot bitch" on the other side of the club, doesn't warrant Tiger Woods having to go through A Clockwork Orange like treatment program, or to be forced to answer the same god damn question, 1,000 god damn times. Yes, he fucked up, and I'm sure he's sorry for the mess he's created. But the dude is not some monster from a sci-fi film. In fact, in any other discussion that involved sport and sexual conquests, "Tiger Woods" would be Greek for "Derek Jeter".

Here's to Big John and Tiger finding their way.

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Monday, March 29, 2010

A Nit Pick of Drabick

Speak up, Liz Drabick! And quit talking in that tone of voice that makes you sound like you're Mrs. Robinson trying to bed Benjamin Braddock. 1067 The Fan's token woman, amongst a room full of ass grabbing dudes, has "vocal" problems on two fronts, and its gotten beyond the point of annoying.

For starters, station producers should consider dropping, or at least lowering the volume on that stupid friggin, Charlie Harper-esque jingle, that they feel the need to blast during her updates. It completely drowns out Drabick's already soft and smokey voice, and renders her already menial job useless. Making out every other word of what the lowly Wizards did the night before, or not being able to hear how money Alex Ovechkin was in another Caps win, is extremely aggravating, and leaves the listeners wanting to Carl Edwards someone on the Capital Beltway.

Secondly, we're not sure if Drabick moonlights as a '1-900' operator or what, but enough of the radio voice seduction already! We don't need to be sporting wood as a result of you telling us what Nats' player was just sent down to 'AA' Harrisburg. If deja vu was Drabick's updates, then i'm 12 years old, and my dad just beat the shit out of me, as a result of the $475 phone bill he just got in the mail.

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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Problems with His Bracket

You ever hear someone talking about the score of a sporting event by mentioning the losing score first? "Yeah, umm, the Caps beat the Penguins 3-4."

Your first impression is usually that the dude is a tool who doesn't get out much, and is most likely trying to impress you and the rest of the room with his up to date knowledge of a completed sporting event, in between his next trip to Lowe's with the old lady.

The following story is not about a tool.

No, this guy is one of the good ones- a lifelong Redskin fan and season ticket holder, who was famous for giving the business to players down at the green fence, back when the Skins played at RFK.

In fact, in one famous incident, former Cowboy and Redskin James Washington took a swing at this friend of ours, when our friend's pre-game harassment became too much for the former safety to handle.

Yes, our friend is a very spirited guy, but he's just not much of a basketball fan. And that fact was brought to the surface in a pretty big way last week.

Participating in a smallish bracket pool that is run by another mutual friend of ours, this good guy- who would never mention the losing score first of any sporting event, faxed in his bracket last Wednesday night with one little snafu; he had printed off, filled out, and then faxed over.....the Women's bracket.

Now I've tried to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Like maybe he didn't notice the letters 'W' and 'O' strategically placed in front of the word 'MEN', prior to selecting the bracket to print off. Or maybe after he had printed off his bracket, he didn't happen to notice that three of the four #1 seeds weren't even playing in the men's tournament- UConn, Stanford, and Nebraska. And of those three, Stanford and Nebraska didn't even qualify for the NIT.

Actually, can I retract my statement about this guy not being a tool?

I mean, how the fuck do you do that? He sent over the Women's NCAA bracket, thinking it was the Men's!! Is he for real?

I wish I had known this beforehand. I could've gotten his advice on the West Virginia/Lamar game, because quite frankly, that was one of the first round match ups I was really having a hard time wrapping my head around!

And also, my friend, are John Wall's sister and the Lady Wildcats at Kentucky, "WO"-Man enough to get out of the Kansas City Region, and reach the Final Four? Their first round game against Liberty could be a real kick in the balls if they're not careful!

In all seriousness, it was an honest mistake. Anyone without a pulse, the internet, the WaPo sports page, or ESPN's 14 channels could've done the same thing. And who knows. After this weekend's "Madness", and the number of people across this fruited plain whose bracket sheets have made the circular file, maybe our friend's entry is still in contention to win it all.

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Monday, March 15, 2010

Its Own Worst Enemy

The NHL continues to be it own worst enemy. Twelve minutes into a nationally televised game, and the NHL's zebras threw the most exciting player in the league out of the game. If there is a TV ratings equivalent to f**king up a wet dream, that was it.

Not to mention, the Caps/Blackhawks game was up against many NCAA conference tournament finals, leading up to their much anticipated Selection Sunday shows, the NHL needs all it can get when it comes to star power. The refs pulling the trigger on Ovi in that spot was pathetic.

Ovechkin didn't do anything of malice; It was a boarding penalty, for Christ's sake! The Blackhawks' Brian Campbell, from what we could tell, was already going down. As is the case much of the time with the NFL when it comes to questionable 'late hits' against quarterbacks, both players were going 100 mph , and their momentum took care of the rest.

The unintended consequence of this brilliant move by the NHL rule enforcers, was the casual fans turning back to the basketball, and then them being robbed of seeing the offensive Juggernaut that is the Washington Capitals, as they scored 4 unanswered goals to win 4-3 in overtime. Nice job, Gary.

The NHL, like the NFL, needs to quit pussifying its sport, and let these guys play. Your kid gloves and referees are ruining the game for the fans. As we've bitched and moaned before, your players can go get real jobs, if they're not comfortable with the risk that comes with their current occupation.

Unlike the NFL, the NHL needs to parlay any kind of pub they can get (i.e. Olympic Hockey finals), and let that snowball roll into possibly bigger audiences, and better TV exposure.

Yesterday the NHL let that snowball hit a wall.

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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Big Ben Is Not A Rapist: He's Just Stupid

Ben Roethlisberger is a serial dumb ass. But we're going to hold off judgement on the serial rapist tag.

Just because a 28 year old multimillionaire is hanging out with his boys, throwing back pops and grabbing ass, doesn't mean he's a serial rapist. I would suggest the Lester Munsons of the world hold off judgement and the doom and gloom tone in their voices, until all the facts come out.

We're talking about the leader of the Big Hair, Big Truck, Big Ass nation, and nobody ever claimed the dude was a friggin rocket scientist. Yes, he's won two Super Bowls for those towel waving inbreeds, but he has consistently shown that when it comes to the common sense decisions of life, he's like a short bus riding window licker.

This is the same idiot who planted his grill in a car grill, while attempting to navigate the streets of Pittsburgh on a motorcycle while helmet less. This is the same guy who was in a very similar predicament two years ago in Lake Tahoe, when a casino employee accused him of assaulting her.

The Tahoe case was sketchy at best, with the accuser's story changing more times than a Big Ben audible, and by one witness' testimony, the accuser even bragged about her sexual tryst with the Pittsburgh gunslinger.

The fact that he's put himself in the same vulnerable position for the second time in less than two years, doesn't make this new accuser's story more believable, it simply sheds light on how dumb and naive Roethlisberger really is. He's just another, in the long line of notable, visible athletes with money, who puts themselves out there to be picked like fresh produce.

Just last month, former Dallas Cowboy Michael Irvin-whose past is certainly more checkered than Roethlisberger's, was accused and then quickly exonerated of any rape charges, when authorities found there to be no physical evidence of a crime, and a accuser whose story was full of lies.

Point is- when there is smoke, there is not always fire. And in the day and age of Tiger Woods writing as many "hush money" checks as he has mistresses, and the Gloria Alreds of the world, readying her ambulance chasing law firm, to $weep in and pick up the pieces of America's next jilted lover, I think we should take pause, and let the dust settle, before we're having Big Ben fitted for his orange jumpsuit.

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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Hockey and Groundhog's Day in Ashburn

The U.S./Canada gold medal hockey game says, "your welcome", Dick Ebersol.

In between watching Lindsey Vonn crash three or four times, Johnny Weir dance around in a tutu, and listening to Bob Costas speak to us as if we were morons without Internet access- as he plugged the "exciting" upcoming event that NBC was getting ready to show us on tape delay, NBC finally got a little bang back for their buck, courtesy of Sunday's gold medal final. (which by the way- not to get off on a tangent here, but we'd rather watch grass grow than watch sporting events that have been completed already, just saying....)

After opting to put previous tournament games on the Rachel Maddow and Keith Overbitemann network-U.S./Canada game one and Russia/Canada- both on MSNBC, both not broadcast in HD, both featuring the NHL's biggest stars- NBC got bailed out big time by Canada's thrilling overtime win on Sunday. NBC's estimated 27.6 million viewers was the largest American audience for a hockey game since the 1980 gold medal game between the U.S. and Finland.

Sunday's game helped showcase what is one of the most fast paced,exciting games to watch, but one which has been missed by many American sports fans. The problem with the lack of hockey popularity in this country doesn't strictly fall on the fact that the sport wasn't invented here, but the fact that the networks make little or no effort to promote it, and the NHL's commissioner leaves little to be desired.

NBC's lack of effort during the Olympics was as obvious as a punch to the face, but ESPN's, just one day later, was just as pathetic.

Now we realize ESPN's penchant for not promoting anything that they don't have their grimy little, hypocritical fingers on, but Monday's Sportscenter is case in point as to why ESPN sucks the big fatty.

Not even 12 hours removed from the game itself, Monday's 6 pm Sportscenter led with the Shaquille O'Neal finger injury, and then transitioned into news from the NFL combines. The first mention and highlights of the game didn't even come until 15 minutes into the broadcast. All while the "Tiger" scroll ran across the bottom of the screen, informing viewers of Tiger's first shit in his Orlando home since late November.

Unacceptable, sports fans. And Gary Bettman and the NHL just cannot compete with that. End of story.

Hockey is a very exciting, fast paced, rock'em-sock'em game- ala NFL football. In fact, there is not a better sport to watch on TV (in our humble opinion) other than football, than there is with NHL hockey in HD. But it will never become primary in our everyday sports vocabulary, as long as the people who broadcast and/or promote it, treat it like the red headed step child.

Gary Bettman certainly can shoulder some of the blame. He lost and than was unable to secure a solid TV deal for his league and he's come under fire for a lack of game plan when it comes to promoting hockey in the U.S. Prior to Sunday's ratings bonanza, he even toyed with the idea of pulling the NHL players from the games in 2014, an idea we hope he'll reconsider.

Time will shed light on any residual effects of Sunday's gold medal game. Hopefully the 'edge of your seat' action, that that game provided, will be a springboard for the NHL and hockey in the U.S., to bring more viewers to what is a most exciting and entertaining sport to watch.

Big free agents signings, unable to secure deals with out of state colleges for this year's mini camp, and Sam Bradford, Sam Bradford, Sam Bradford. New coach, new GM, same owner.

With the history of Dan Snyder's free agent signings, and these ass clowns who not only come here and fleece the owner's wallet, but then become locker room and/or on field distractions during the season, why are Redskin kool aid drinkers so excited about all these possible free agent signings?

That "formula" for winning does not work, period. And we don't care if it is an uncapped year. Going window shopping for a bunch of ego driven free agents, is not the way you build a winner.

Sports radio morning drive guy needs to "zip it" already, with his child like, giddy excitement- as he dreams about the possibilities of Julies Peppers, Darren Sproles, and even T.O- as if they were some Latin American kid prodigy on American Idol, that gives him chills when he sings. They're nothing more than pawns in Danny's game of power grabbing, who will eventually make fans like us absolutely miserable, as they piss and moan about game plans and how they're "being used", all while sitting out every other play(or longer), yet making sure the Tuesday check is 'in the mail'.

The second sign to us that things may not be changing much at Redskin Park, was a story that was buried on about page 6 of the sports page early this week. Apparently the Redskins negotiations with Dickinson College in Pennsylvania, as the once again site for Redskin summer camp, have come to a complete standstill.

Coach Shanahan's first request as the new head coach was to move the team away from Ashburn for summer camp. Snyder's desire to ride into practice each day via limo from his home in Potomac, and the money he's making off the vendors at Redskin Park, couldn't possibly be clouding his ability to negotiate an off site mini camp, could it?

Finally, all this Sam Bradford talk. Could Shanahan possibly be looking to draft Sam Bradford, when he has an offensive line as porous as the one he has here Washington?

This is a coach who turned a former marine, average running back, into a 1,500 yard rusher. This is a guy who had a running game virtually every year he was in Denver, because of the his focus on building a solid line. We find it hard to believe, considering the circumstance of a line that's looked like a MASH unit for the good part of the last 2 years, that a Sam Bradford or a Jimmy Clausen, is at the top of Coach Shanahan's priority list.

Soon enough, Redskin fan, all the questions as to who is (still) in control will be answered. In fact, by April 22nd of this year, when the NFL draft commences and we get some insight into what the Redskins plan is, plenty of light will have been shed on the new regime.

And if by this point in time, the Redskins have had a field day on free agency spending, failed to secure a summer camp site away from Ashburn, and drafted either Sam Bradford or Jimmy Clausen with the 4th pick in the draft, then I'm here to tell you who is (still) in charge at Redskin Park. And his first name is neither Mike nor Bruce.

Get in line, lemmings.

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