Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Making The Case For Drank and Skank

"Golf is 90% between your ears."

Anyone who has played the game has heard that expression at some point in their life. Nobody is excluded. The amateurs who compete for the $10 nassau, or the guys on tour who will be competing for a green jacket next week at Augusta; the game of golf can be a total mind fuck.

Limiting ones distractions, and keeping one self in the "right" frame of mind, are keys to maintaining a consistent and successful game. Getting outside of one's comfort zone, regardless of the circumstance, is a recipe for disaster, and it's exactly why Tiger Woods won't even crack the top 10 next week.

Last week on ESPN's Sports Reporters, midget Mike Lupica joined many drive by golf fans, who feel Tiger will win going away. Their naivete to the complexity of the game, and the notion that a horse for a course can just show up after a 5 month lay off and win, is laughable.

Being John Daly is The Golf Channel's look at the other most polarizing figure in golf, John Daly. The show itself is nothing to write home about. It's basically 30 minutes of watching Daly struggle to make cuts, as he smokes cigarettes and some buxom brunette follows his every move. Not much substance, but it does clearly convey to the audience, what the two time major winner has morphed into; one miserable son of a bitch.

Daly certainly became a victim of his own devices. The women, the drink, the gambling, the weight- Daly brought new meaning to the expression "taking it to another level". He claimed he drank a 5th of Jack Daniels, every day during the year in which he was 23. Over the years, his excuse for not working out was that gyms and fitness clubs throughout the world wouldn't allow him to smoke while doing so.

Throw in the 3 or 4 ex-wives, the countless weekend benders in Vegas, and its safe to say that the dude liked to party.

And then at the beckoning of the golf world, and all the do-gooders who knew what was best for John, he gave up all his fixes, mixed in a stomach staple, and lost his ability to play golf along the way.

Tiger's vices were exposed less gradually. His day after Thanksgiving morning impression of Ted Kennedy leaving a Boiler Room Girls party, pretty much felted his once blemish less image. No meltdowns. No whispers of malice. The dude was the epitome of perfection, and in one fell swoop (of a fire hydrant, a tree, and a 9 iron to Tiger's big teeth) it was gone.

Tiger's attempt to explain himself, both in the 13 minute speech Phil Knight wrote, and the 5 minute interviews he gave both ESPN and Golf Channel, were pathetic. "45 Days of treatment", "45 Days of treatment","45 Days of treatment" and he wishes he could talk to his dad for some sound advice.

Really, Tiger? Earl Woods allegedly had women on the side as well, and he didn't even want Tiger to get married in the first place. He once told the New York Times, "I’ve told Tiger that marriage is unnecessary, in a mobile society like ours.”

Speaking of Earl and Tiger, the curiosity is killing this cat, when it comes to that alleged "air tight/loving" relationship Tiger had with his late father. It will be interesting to see if Tiger's soon to be ex-wife, will shed some light on what might be just another sham, sculpted by the same Tiger image developers.

Both Tiger and Daly have developed the deer in the headlights look. They're lost. Daly with no confidence and no game, Tiger with no control. It remains to be seen what effect it will have on Tiger's game, but we're suspecting a negative one.

Both of these guys are going to need to get back on THEIR routine- not the routine that others think is best for them, if they want to get back to doing what they do best on the golf course, and reclaiming the happiness in their lives, that their talents provide them.

For Daly, that's going to mean the morning Bloody Mary. Its going to mean that he can throw back a few pops with the boys at the end of the round, without everyone looking at him like he's got three heads. We're sympathetic to the problems Daly has had in the past with alcohol, but Daly and the ones who love him the most, are going to have to put two and two together, and accept the fact that the drink is part of Daly's game.

Figure out a responsible drinking plan for the man. Sad as it is, but it's true-it's what Daly knows, and its how he learned to play golf.

Not every missed cut needs to result in him passing out drunk and naked in a Hooters parking lot. Not every fireside guitar sing-a-long, requires 19 beers and 4 shots of liquor. Its called moderation. And its what Daly and his handlers need to accept. Moderation will set Daly free, and bring him back to prominence, and allow him to prosper again.

Daly is almost 44 years old, he has absolutely no status on Tour, and yet he does have the talent to win again. If not now, in six years when he'll qualify for the Seniors Tour. His boy Freddie Couples is tearing that Tour to shreds right now, and that's not far from the realm of possibility, for a guy with Daly's talents.

The pink elephant in the room, is the drink in the glass that Daly wants to put to his lips, to help calm his nerves over those 4 foot putts. The sooner he takes the edge off, the sooner he'll find success again on the golf course.

For Tiger, its a little bit more complicated. For starters, its going to mean calling it a day with Elin. Figure out the financials, figure out what's best for the kids, and move the fuck on, dude. You've disgraced her and yourself, and the anxiety and stress you feel now, will continue to hover over your head, as long as you're pretending to be the happy husband and father that you're not.

Secondly, he needs to reach out and talk to 'his boys'. According to both Mark O'Meara and Charles Barkley (both good friends of Tiger's), Tiger hasn't spoken to either of them since all this shit went down. Not even a phone call.

Who doesn't turn to their friends, when the chips are down? That in itself, is odd and abnormal behavior, and its another example of one doing something for the pleasure of people other than yourself.

Lastly, and most importantly, Tiger is going to have to get back to crushing ass. Porn stars, IHOP waitresses, super market check out girls; whatever tickles his fancy, like his loyal sponsor Nike says, Tiger is just going to have to do it.

He's not a sex addict. That's the silliest and stupidest fucking excuse ever. He's a rich guy with a penis, who should've never gotten married. He's the biggest athlete on the planet, he has an ego and a bank account big enough to match it, and he follows the 'variety is the spice of life' quote to a tee. Its that simple.

Wanting to hammer "that hot bitch" on the other side of the club, doesn't warrant Tiger Woods having to go through A Clockwork Orange like treatment program, or to be forced to answer the same god damn question, 1,000 god damn times. Yes, he fucked up, and I'm sure he's sorry for the mess he's created. But the dude is not some monster from a sci-fi film. In fact, in any other discussion that involved sport and sexual conquests, "Tiger Woods" would be Greek for "Derek Jeter".

Here's to Big John and Tiger finding their way.

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