Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Bulging Discs and Other Gross Stuff

What a weekend! It started off with the news of Lawrence Taylor's 3rd degree rape charge of a 16 year old in a hotel room that most surely was riddled with bed bugs and suspicious stains. By Sunday morning, news was breaking of Tiger pulling out of Sawgrass with a bulging disc. And to cap it all off, Vancouver Canucks' defenseman Sami Salo provided us with the ultimate case of "taking one for the team", when he took a slap shot to the testicles, rupturing one of the boys.

First things first, Lawrence Taylor is a disaster. This guy's life looks like Joey T's X-Ray from 1985. I have no sympathy for him and frankly, I'm tired of reading these stories about him every few years. He clearly has substance abuse problems that he can't control, and at this point in his life, there is no reason to believe that he ever will control them.

He used to rally his teammates by encouraging them to "go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs" and right now, I firmly believe that is where he should be living- with a pack of wild dogs.

If this guy never had the ability to sack the quarterback, he'd be looked upon by society for exactly what he is; a criminal. Possession of drugs, hit and runs, failure to pay child support, and now this latest. And spare me the "she said she was 19" excuse. If you're a 51 year old man, and its 3 o'clock in the morning, and you're in a DNA infested Holiday Inn hotel room, and your call girl looks like she should be home studying for her high school final exams, you might be on the verge of breaking some law.

In short, Lawrence, you allowed a multi-layered ex-convict to broker a liaison with you and a girl who was born in 1994.

We're sure L.T. (Likes Teenagers) will eventually answer to lesser charges, as that is protocol for current and ex-athletes who find themselves in hot water. But rest assured, we'll be here in 2012 or 2013, discussing his next run in with the law. Stay tuned.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger, you are pathetic. Seriously, at what point will this dude stop free falling? I thought he had hit, or was near hitting rock bottom, when his "sexts" hit the internet and we all found out about his love for providing the plumbing for golden showers. But this guy just invents ways to become more bizarre and I'm beginning to doubt his ability to ever recover and be the level of golfer that he once was pre-Pussygate.

His head is clearly a mess (I'm speaking of the one attached to his neck), his golf game is a mess, but most alarming to me as a golf fan, is the fact that he is now sporting the look of a defeated man. Not just in golf, but in life.

Whether or not he has a bulging disc, Tiger has become disingenuous. I don't think there is anything he could say right now that I wouldn't question the validity of. His fall from grace is paralleled to nobody's in the modern sports era. Its embarrassing.

February's press conference, bullshit. 5 minute interview with Kelly Tilghman, bullshit. Nike commercial with Earl's voice, odd. "Hank Haney's still my coach.", bullshit.

And what's with the 'Jackie O' shades, Eldrick? I don't care how many times he says he's wearing sunglasses now to keep the pollen out of his eyes (bullshit, also), as those sunglasses are nothing more than a protective shield of sorts for him.

Where were the allergies for the 13 years prior to Pussygate? Did he just develop allergies? Or did he just get away from his core allergies, and now they've returned? The guy throws them on the second he's done hitting a shot. Believe me, it's a defense mechanism.

Golf is the least of this guy's concerns right now. His entire life and everything that he and his people had strategically built around him for 13 years, has come crashing down all around him. And for the first time in his life, he has no control of what is going on around him.

Tiger has returned to his roots; an insecure, last kickball player picked nerd, who was constantly monitored and controlled by his drill sergeant of a father. "Tiger Woods" was simply some superhero concocted by his father and handlers around him. "Tiger Woods", for all intents and purposes, is dead.

Tiger needs to leave the game indefinitely, and do what he said he was going to do, the day he read that speech Phil Knight wrote. Take an indefinite leave of golf, get his mental and physical self back to form, and then start playing golf again like a man possessed.

Hockey players are the toughest athletes on the planet, period. Anyone that may think otherwise can go have a chat with Sami Salo and his ruptured testicle.

That's right, I said ruptured testicle. The word "ruptured" just sounds painful. Add in the word "testicle" to the equation, and you have effectively shut down every porno shoot in the San Fernando Valley for a week.

In case you didn't see it or hear about it, this dude Salo took a shot to the "area" near the end of the 1st period in their game against Chicago Sunday night. Needless to say, Salo went down and did not get up. It was apparent early on that this was more than just your run of the mill "cup check", and Salo was taken to the hospital for further investigation. Shortly thereafter it was discovered that Sami was "down a man".

Time and time again, hockey players display a level of toughness that you simply just don't see in any other sport. Salo's, or should we say, "Solo's" injury, came on the heals of an image that Caps fans probably won't soon forget; Eric Belanger removing one of his 9 chicklets from his mouth, simply using one of his god given digits, and a piece of gauze.

The price these guys pay in pursuit of Lord Stanley's Cup is remarkable. Taking a stick or slapshot to the face, mouth, or groin has become common place in the NHL, especially once the playoffs start. This type of team first, all out play, puts into perspective the patheticness that is an overpaid, overweight, anti-team asshole defensive tackle, who can't even show up to mini camp, because he's too busy counting his $31 million.

Hockey players are tough. Don't believe me? Go ask Sami Salo and his ruptured testicle. By the way, Salo took part in this morning's skate, and might suit up for this evening's game.

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1 comment:

  1. Was the skate optional? I guess we will have to ask Tracee Hamilton.


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