Thursday, June 24, 2010

Sports Are Off Limits for TiVo, You Dipshits

Like many Americans, soccer is not my thing. We have the NFL, MLB, NHL, (and yes, McDerrmott, I'll admit it) the NBA. Its because of the viewing pleasure these sports, and even Tiger Woods and NASCAR for some offer, for why soccer will never be elevated to its own throne here; its just not as exciting as the before mentioned. Period.

Having said that, I did take a gander at USA/England over a week ago, and I saw the second half of yesterday's USA/Algeria game. I will admit that I was getting quite anxious, as the scoreless tie was moving closer and closer to the 90th or 93rd or whatever minute the referee says the game ends, and Team USA's fate appeared sealed. However, Landon Donovan's goal in the 91st minute changed everything, and soccer fans in America were sent into a tizzy. I even let out a mini "Yay!"

Many of those in a tizzy took to the Internet. In fact, they did so at a rate of 11.2million visits per minute (highest in almost 5 years), all tracking World Cup related news sites.

Twitter was a buzz. Among the "oh my gods!!" and "Wow!"s and "I just creamed my jeans" and so forth, I ran across two specific tweets, in which the tweeter mentioned the fact that they were happy they had TiVo'd the game.

Why? Had you not watched it live? Did you wish to watch it again? Have you ever seen a grown man naked? I mean, what the fuck dude? The game is over.

Not to sound like a total curmudgeon, and I'm all for "to each his own", but I've never understood the lure of watching sports that have already been played. And I'm not talking about watching the highlights on Sportscenter. I'm talking about people who watch full length sporting events, be it on ESPN Classics or their TiVo, after the game(s) have already been played. It's douchey.

And don't tell me its just the same as watching a movie you've already seen for the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time, because its not. Movies are make believe films, that have quotes and lines and scenes and hot chicks, that are different from the realm of sports, don't involve wagers with your bookie, and whose highlights can't be seen on Sportscenter.

Also, the anxiety that myself and others experienced yesterday, cannot and will never be replaced by watching a game whose outcome has already been determined. Which brings up an even doucheier aspect with regard to the sports fans who partake in this type of horseshit behavior.

"Umm..yeah, uhh...can you just not call or text me during the game? I plan on watching it later on TiVo."

What..?!? Honestly, folks. Does it get any doucheier, than a request like that one?

So the World Cup is on, or the final round of the US Open, or Game 7 of an NHL or NBA Final, whatever the case may be. And you're going to avoid your cell phone, your Internet, TVs, radio, cool chicks, conversations with others who aren't as douchey as you are, and who are in some fashion or another "watching" the very sport you are TiVo'ing- just so that the experience of watching the event that has already happened, isn't ruined for you???

I'll take Acting Like a Simpleton, for $200, Alex.

Listen here. The TiVo was a great invention, no doubt about. I actually have one myself. However, when it comes to TiVo'ing, mine is reserved for programs like Justified, Poker After Dark, Two and A Half Men, and Glee, uhhhh, I mean, umm, Deadliest Catch...whatever.

Point is, I don't TiVo sporting events so that I may watch them at a later time. And neither should any red blooded, sports loving American. End of story.

If you're someone who engages in this type of TiVo'ing behavior, and my hard line opinion on the matter offends you, then I'm sorry. I guess....
Also, make sure prior to your trip to Home Depot or your bike ride along the WO&D Trail this Saturday afternoon, that you have your TiVo programmed. Team USA plays at 2:30, you idiots.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

How to Bet $100 on The US Open

Dustin Johnson $40 @ 33/1

Horses for courses is a sports betting slogan that refers to "horses" who performs better in specific venues; Albert Haynesworth at a buffet, Albert Haynesworth at a strip club, Albert Haynesworth in an "only assholes allowed" club, and Dustin Johnson at Pebble Beach. In his last 3 starts at Pebble Beach he has a win, a win, and a T-7. That's pretty good. I think we'll 'have a go' on him.

Tiger Woods $25 @ 7/1
The last time Tiger's odds were this high going into a major, he was putting golf balls on the Mike Douglas Show. The last time a U.S. Open was played at Pebble Beach, Tiger treated the course and the field like a Perkins' waitress' ass, while parked in a rented Tahoe- HE CRUSHED IT!!!! (never gets old, does it?)
Listen, I know he's been spraying it (Bevis laugh)and off the tee his balls have been going everywhere (Bevis laugh), but the value is too damn good at this price. Rumor has it that Tiger has booted sex rehab, and has a new blonde working his driver.The guy is too good to continue embarrassing himself, and this might be the week he answers his critics.

Tim Clark $20 @ 50/1
The vertically challenged South African is a great pick here. He's coming off a win at the Players Championship and he's currently ranked 2nd in driving accuracy. The little guy has made 3 straight cuts at the US Open, and posted a T-3 in 2005. We also like his nerves, if he happens to be in contention on Sunday.

David Duval $15 @ 100/1
Eleven years ago, David Duval was the number 1 player in the world. His accomplishments included a British Open, a final round 59 to win the Bob Hope Classic, and a sweet endorsement deal with Nike. Whats happened to his career since then has been Ian Baker-Finch-like. However, he has shown signs of life over the past 18 months or so. He finished T-2 at the Pebble Beach tournament 5 months ago, and a T-2 at last year's US Open at Bethpage Black.

*Betting odds courtesy of Bodog*

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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The Quest for Strasburg

My quest for Strasburg weekend started in a bar across from Progessive Field in downtown Cleveland called Local Heroes. While waiting for the folks at Progressive Field to open the gates for Saturday’s Strastionals/Indians game, I threw back a few libations, and pretended to be interested in the World Cup.

Surrounded by TVs that were all tuned to the US/England soccer game, and a wall full of Lebron jerseys- from his high school digs to his current team’s, I stuck out like a sore douche, sporting my Strasburg jersey and a backpack full of memorabilia to hopefully get signed.

To be honest, I didn’t get any bad looks, nor any snide remarks from any of the patrons. In fact, I had to answer one of them, in what could been taken as a smart ass tone, when he commented, “Wow. They already have his jersey out, huh?”

“Yeah, buddy. In fact, do you see that vendor across the street?”

I was feeling less douchey during my walk to the ballpark, as I saw more #37 jerseys than I would’ve expected. I was in the stadium by about 5 for a 7:05 start. The lower level was not opened to the masses until 6, so the majority of folks hung out in right field, where the man of the hour was warming up with his fellow pitchers. I ran into some folks from Kensington, Upper Marlboro, a retired state trooper from Fairfax County; even the kids, who I know had to be locals, were sporting the #37 jersey. Everyone was there to see Strasburg.

I made my way up to the concourse at about 10 til 6, to prepare for the rush down to the field. Our seats were on the first base side, just past the Strastionals dugout, so I would be in close proximity to where I was sitting, and would have no problem hooking up with my wife who would be arriving later.

I’m not sure what time it was, but lets say 6:20 or so, and the man started making his way from shagging fly balls, over towards the hoards of fans who were lining the right field line. I was ready. In fact, I had my trusted sharpie, an official MLB ball, and the WaPo sports page from June 9th- the day after his 14k debut.

The rush forward as Strasburg approached the masses, was like a Who concert, circa late seventies. “Stephen, Stephen!” was the cry. Was I a 12 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert, or a 30 something, semi-employed, sports blogging asshole, whose wife was now looking on at my attempt to garner an autograph, as she most likely was wondering if she actually might be married to a closet homosexual?

The phenom was surrounded by a couple of Cleveland’s finest, and who I presume, were Strastionals security or PR guys. As Strasburg made his way down the line, I could see him getting anxious, as he signed and looked up at the amount of people demanding his attention. There came a point when he definitely looked my way, as I prominently displayed the “Strasburg Delivers” WaPo headline, and I do believe it was then, that he made a point to accommodate my “request”.

In the blink of an eye, Strasburg grabbed my sharpie, took the paper out of my hands, and signed his name just above the picture of him delivering the pitch against the Pirates. He handed me the pen and paper back, and then announced to all who were gathered, “that’s it guys. I have to go.”

I had been his last signature, prior to Saturday night’s game. And my quest for Strasburg was complete.

The game that evening didn’t go so splendidly. The 7-1 onslaught began like it had the previous evening, with second baseman Adam Kennedy representing the league's worst defense, as he threw a ball into left field that eventually led to a run. But no worries. The “mission” had been complete, as far as I was concerned, and besides, we were returning the following day to see Strasburg pitch.

The kid did not disappoint the following day. 8ks, 1 earned run and only 2 hits allowed thru 5 and 1/3. The Nats won in a rout, and Strasburg went on to win NL player of the week honors. Next tour stop, this Friday night at home against the ChiSox. Rock on, kid.

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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Week in Review

Major props to Bud Selig for not overturning the blown call made by Jim Joyce in Wednesday night's perfect game that wasn't. The 24 hour knee jerk that occurred by many in the mainstream media, was for Selig to overturn the call, and reward Armando Galarraga with a perfect game.

This would've been a horrible decision, and would've opened a huge Pandora's box, for the 24 hour newscycle to debate ad nauseum. We're also happy that the sportsmanship and grace displayed by the characters involved (Joyce, Galarraga, and Tiger skipper, Jim Leyland)did not go un-noticed.

Ironically enough, the event itself- coupled with Ken Griffey Jr.'s retirement, made for a great day for baseball, even as testimony continued in the possible grand jury perjury case, against that asshole Roger Clemens. Griffey Jr. played the game clean and sober by all accounts, and unlike many of his counterpart cheaters, didn't get better into his mid and upper 30's.

The MSM is on record for saying that athletes/public figures who find themselves in trouble, would be much better off if they 'out' themselves to the public,and display their sorrow for their particular shortcoming. Never was this more evident, than in the compassion shown in polls across the country, which showed overwhelming support of Joyce, in the hours after his very public error.

Jim Joyce's immediate admission and genuine sorrow for blowing the call at 1st base, and Leyland and Galarraga's (especially) acceptance and reaction to Joyce's genuine heartfelt words, turned a sick to the stomach moment, into one of the greatest displays of sportsmanship in professional sports.

What say you, Judge Patrick?

Sally Jenkins is delusional. Her column this week advocating ESPN show more highlights from women's sports, was laugh out loud absurd.

Dear Sally. ESPN is in the business to make money. Making money in the land of TV requires viewership. The day when ESPN starts showing more women's highlights from sports, than what they currently do now, will be the day that myself and others will turn the channel. Regards, supply and demand.

"Ever had this experience, You want the score of a women's game, and can't get it?" she asks. The short answer, Sally, "No, I haven't."

So continues the problem we have as a society, as attitudes like hers are now displayed in sports. In the day and age of bailouts, deficits, failed banks and so forth, it never ceases to amaze me, the amount of education folks like Sally Jenkins and others have, who just don't understand business.

Contrary to what our government may want us to believe, or should I say condition us to, money doesn't just grow on trees. In order to make money, one must sell an adequate number of whatever it is they're selling, in order to make profit and continue that business.

So while she bitches about the lack of coverage or funding that women's sports get in this country, those same women's sports only exist because of the dollars thrown their way by men's sports. For example, the WNBA would have been shut down after a year or two, if it wasn't funded by the NBA, and they were forced to exist on their own.

The only female sports that I will occasionally watch are golf, tennis and volleyball, and that is only if the women participating are actually attractive and not West German swimmers with mustaches. Call it sexist if you want, but I fall into the 25-54 year old male demo, and that's the extent of my women's sports "demand".

Life isn't fair and money makes the world go around, Sally. I'm sorry that your gender isn't as athletically gifted as mine, nor as entertaining to watch, when they apply their limited athleticism. Be grateful for what you have and shut up. People that constantly bitch and want money for nothing, are indicative of a growing attitude in this country that is very disappointing and toxic.

Lastly, not to continue on a sort of political rant, but.....

File this under calls were heavy this week at Mark David Chapman Pest Control Services. (Judge Patrick approved this below the belt, tongue in cheek joke. Sorry to those who were offended.)

Former Beatle Paul McCartney was in town this week, to accept some award we think is rewarded to 60 something, vegan rockers, who have since morphed into grandmother look alike, turkey chinned fuck knots. In case you missed it, President Hope and Change, among others, helped honor Sir Dickbag at a White House function.

Upon accepting the award, the Knighted Beatle and recently fleeced of $150 million from a peg legged woman he was married to for 10 minutes, took the opportunity to take a shot at the former President.

Note to Sir Paul; you're a guest in our country, in the building that our President resides. I know it may not occur to you, as a billionaire from England who could probably give a fuck about a 7 week oil spill in the Gulf, double digit unemployment, two wars that we're leading the way on, among other problems we currently have, but things aren't exactly hunky dorry right now.

Its not cute, nor is it respectful, to take a shot at any political figure from the country in which you are currently a guest in. And I know rock stars like yourself, and a lot of celebrities for that matter, think the general public gives a flying fuck about their political views, but newsflash, donk- we don't, nor will we ever.

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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Nats Defense is Offensive

Last night after falling behind 4-0 behind another stellar outing by Craig Stammen, the Nats stormed back to take a 7-6 lead into the bottom of the ninth, and #55 was heading to the mound. Good times, right? Wrong.

The Stros lead off hitter reached 1st on a fielding error by Ryan Zimmerman, then a sacrifice bunt, a couple base knocks, Lance Berkman’s swing or not a swing- swing, another base knock, and that’s all she wrote.

In any case, Berkman’s swing should’ve never even factored into the equation.

Zimmerman is a fan favorite, and personally one of our favorite guys, but the side arm throws and the option to field ground balls from side to side, rather than getting in front of them, is killing him. In fact, the fielding method Zimmerman chooses, leads to the inconsistent throws he makes from his hip.

But its not just RZ. The Nats lead all of MLB in errors commited with 44, and their infield- based on individual defensive statistics, ranks in the bottom third of the NL at every position.

Dunn, the 2B tandem of Kennedy and Guzman, Desmond, and Zimmerman- have all made 4 errors or more. Ian Desmond’s 11 errors are the highest number of errors by any starting short stop in the entire league, and are only 2 fewer than the total of the league’s best defensive team, the Twins.

The Strasburg buzz is awesome, and a game under .500 in June is not too shabby either. But this team, with the lack of consistent hitting and a solid rotation, needs all the help it can get when it comes to fielding.

Basic fundamentals, Ryan and Nyjer and others; implementing them will lead to more curly dubyas, and fewer smashed remote controls.

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