Monday, July 5, 2010

Better Late Than Never: The Yack's Response to Glenn Clark

(A little over a week ago, some inbreed, radio/blogging Baltimoron named Glenn Clark, took issue with the fact that MASN filmed a commercial to promote the John Riggins Show, with John Riggins inside M&T Bank Stadium in Baltimore. What started out with him expressing how "uncomfortable" he was watching that commercial, ended up being a 34 paragraph rant, about what Glenn Clark thinks about the "transient DC sports fan". The following is our response to the bitter Mr. Clark. Parental Discretion is Advised.)

Dear Glenn Clark,

You want to know what makes my stomach turn? The thought of me ever having to drive through, or spend one moment, in that dumpster fire of a city you call home. Baltimore is a filthy, disgusting place, filled with bitter pills like yourself, who can't seem to accept their role in life as being insignificant.

So we were the least bit surprised when we read your anti-DC/anti-John Riggins piece. Having lived in the Washington area our entire lives, we're well versed on the bitter Baltimore fan who has nothing better to do with their life, than bitch and moan about their neighbors to the south.(a.k.a. Mayflower Moving Truck Syndrome) The inferiority complex and jealousy that people like you from Baltimore feel towards the D.C. area, is notoriously pathetic.

The fact of the matter is that no one cares about what goes on in Baltimore and nobody ever will. People actually care about what goes in D.C., Glenn. We have places that people want to visit, and things that people want to see. We're what some people might call a "travel destination." Baltimore, on the other hand, is the type of city that people just simply drive by on I-95, while on their way to real cities like Washington, Philadelphia and New York.

Washington offers many historical sites, museums, and great restaurants. Baltimore offers smoke stacks and gonorrhea.

The bottom line is that Washington, D.C. is better than Baltimore on every level. However you want to compare the two, D.C. comes out on top.

The Redskins have 3 Super Bowl trophies and are one of the most tradition rich franchises in NFL history, while the Ravens have 1 title and wear purple. Our franchise is named after native indian warriors, yours is named after a poet.
We have the Bullets because we took them from you back in the day, because that's what happens to second rate cities; they get shit on. (Feel free to make the trip down in November to see Mr. Wall). We also have an NHL franchise and a guy named Alex Ovechkin. You have the Baltimore Skipjacks.

Lastly, the one thing that you did have over us all those years, we now have that too. And guess what Glenn? In just 5 years, despite horrible teams, the Nationals are now more relevant than your piece of shit Orioles.

Thank Peter Angelos, thank Jeffrey Maier, or thank Stephen Strasburg, but the Orioles are without a doubt the worst team in baseball, and couldn't be any more meaningless if they tried. The Nationals, on the other hand, have the greatest pitching phenom in the last generation, and just drafted arguably the greatest hitting prospect in a generation. How's Matt Wieters doing, by the way?

Listen Glenn, we can sympathize with the frustrations you feel over nobody caring about Baltimore. It must be awful, no matter what you do, to never get anyone to pay any attention to you. Its as if your city is the ugly adopted child that is desperately trying to get the attention of their parents, who are more focused on the successful, attractive child, who is actually going to turn out to be worth a fuck in life. But that is certainly no excuse to take those frustrations out on D.C.

I tell you what, Glenn. We will mind our own business down here with our high paying jobs and good looking women, and we'll focus our attention on our teams- all four of them. You can have the Ravens and O's, because believe me, WE WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM.

And if John Riggins wants to film a commercial at "The Bank" in front of all those purple seats in Baltimore, then he will. Because at the end of the day, he's from Washington, and what Washington wants to do, Washington will do. And there's just simply nothing you can do about it.

Not with regard,

Judge Patrick
Lucas Baxter
Billy Sword

p.s. Jimmy Buffett sucks.

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