Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fuck The Decision: You Can Rely On The Old Man's Money

In wake of Tiger Woods' $750 million divorce settlement, PGA Tour nanny entered into the equation, in response to the "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question.

A new USA Today/Gallup poll showed that of 1,000 6-8 year old girls polled last week, 64% of them aspire to follow in Elin Woods footsteps. Ranking in at a close second,(27% of those polled) was Gloria Allred's assistant.

Wow, Tiger. Didn't you have a pre-nup? $750 million?? Thats a lot of money. Hopefully your former Facebook friend, Jesper Parnevik, got a referral fee.

Fuck ESPN and all their LeeBron coverage. All the speculating on where LeeBron is going has been embarrassing. Stephen A. Smith, Ric Buchner, Chris Broussard, even @Adam_Schefter- who has made a living throwing the shit against the wall with regard to NFL rumors, is in on it.

Wednesday morning on Twitter, "See if it sticks" Schefter tweeted the following: Rip the event and the man all you'd like, but Thursday 9 pm will be one of those "I remember where I was when I heard" sports moments.

No it won't, you dipshit.

ESPN and others are the enablers to LeeBron's disgustingly large ego. Speaking of which, @WhitlockJason even pointed out that the greatest ever, Michael "Hitler mustache" Jordan, never referred to himself as Air Jordan. It was a name his fans and the press gave him. LeeBron, on the other hand, refers to himself as The King. What a dick.

And tonight its ESPN's one hour special entitled "The Decision".

I hope during the middle of LeeBron and ESPN's "The Decision", LeeBron's mom walks out barefoot, pregnant, bowlegged, and with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, hand in hand with Delonte West, who is wearing a wife beater and drinking a 40.

Then I hope ESPN brute Shelly Smith walks out, stomping through the set and destroying everything in her path, ala Godzilla, and she eats LeeBron in one big bite-swallows him whole. And to conclude ESPN's travesty that is "The Decision", I then hope Smith straps on a dildo, and she sodomizes Michael Wilbon while Jon Berry looks on, pleasuring himself into Stuart Scott's melting eye.

Yeah, this is a little over the top, and I probably won't have my mom proof read this post, but its monkey see, monkey do, and ESPN has officially written the book on over the top with the LeeBron coverage.

Speaking of enablers, can hurry up, and get B.Mitch back into their studios? His defense, last week, of Michael Vick was exhilarating. B.Mitch's main point was that Vick should be able to attend birthday parties, and has the right to hang out in his old neighborhood.

I would agree with you B.Mitch, except for the fact that Vick is a convicted felon who basically pissed away over $100 million dollars because of his desire to hang out in his old neighborhood.

Kudos to @Holdenradio for holding his own, during the stupidity that was B.Mitch's argument, and to @WhitlockJason for basically breaking Vick's predicament down, that same week in his column.

Next week on The Fan, B.Mitch is going to defend Charles Manson's right to trip on acid while loitering in the Hollywood Hills. He'll then announce that he's starting a "still looking for the real killer" commission, as it pertains to the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

I received a text from one of my main homies- Dougyman, who told me that the Vikings are a 4.5 dog, in their Week 1 match up at New Orleans. If you feel sure about Favre's return, then you should get down on this game now.

Minnesota did lose to the Saints in the NFC Title game last January, but it was a game they really should've won. This was a week after they absolutely dismantled a pretty good Dallas Cowboy team.

A Favre return, coupled with a less hungry Saints club, makes for a nice healthy one to start the season. Since taking over the Vikings as head coach in 2006, Brad Childress is 3-1 in Week 1, and 4-0 ATS. Vikings+4.5

**The Yack was 8 games over .500 last year, including a 7-3 ATS record in the playoffs, and a straight up- underdog winner on the Saints in the Superbowl** #don'twaitonBrandonLang

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