Thursday, September 30, 2010

NFL Week 4 Winners: A Dog Day Afternoon

Seattle at (St. Louis +1.5)
Hold the phone, Vegas. The cheater comes to town, wins a couple games that most people didn't feel they'd win, and all of the sudden they're on the road laying points?!?

In St. Louis, Stephen Jackson is banged up, they have a rookie at QB, and they've lost 10 straight to Seattle. So why will they win this game?

The Rams put 30 on the board against the Skins, had a fourth quarter lead before bowing down to Zona in Week 1, and almost went on the road and beat Oakland in Week 2. The Suckhawks are 1-9ATS in their last 10 on the road, and they currently have the 28th ranked defense in the league. Pete Carroll won't be able to turn a blind eye to this ass kicking. 24-13 Rams.

(Baltimore +1) at Pittsburgh
We understand the Steelers philosophical, hard nosed approach to playing the game. Hit people, run the ball, and plug in a guy who doesn't lose the game for you. But we still feel that Mike Tomlin cannot possibly lead the Steelers to a 4-0 start, less Big Ben.

Sometimes degenerate gamblers need to think outside the box, so for this game, here is what we want you to think-> Lets pretend, to take a page out of Botox Jerry Jones' book, that the Steelers were 3-0 (which they are) EXCEPT Big Ben had been playing all along. And lets say at the end of their game last week down in Tampa, Big Ben went down with a groin injury, which for all intents and purposes, is what he has anyway.

Now if we keep pretending-> this groin injury forces Big Ben out of this week's match up against Baltimore. Now the Ravens come in at 2-1, one of the teams in the conversation to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, and they're getting a point against Pittsburgh, who now has to start Charlie Batch due to Big Ben's injury??

Its a no brainer, right? You're taking the Ravens. And that's exactly what our degenerate minds are thinking. Listen, just like the Lakers in the NBA (on those 7pm, PST starting time games), the Steelers are one of the most bet teams in sports. We love the value of getting the Ravens in a spot here, in which if the above "pretend" scenario had played itself out, there is not a chance in hell they'd be a dog. Chalk this up as a big time value bet: RAVENS.

(Washington +5.5) at Philadelphia
Can I tell you what is the most over used, under thought about prior to being spoken cliche in sports now? "Here in America, we love to give people second chances." Because its not always true.(except of course, with dogs)

Michael Vick, as far as we're concerned, can go fuck himself along with the (probably tortured) horse he rode in on. (And in case LeBron in the third person is reading this, its not because he's black, you douchebag.)

In all seriousness, since we are talking about hard earned, soon to be gambled money, this game isn't about whether the dog lovers here at the Yack would just assume Mike Vick get hit by a bus and die. This game is about the Washington Redskins, and whether or not there is a collective ounce of fucking pride out at Redskin Park.

If Mike Shanahan is worth the paper his contract was printed on, he will have this team ready to play, after that embarrassment in St.Louis. If the other 52 players on this team have a pulse, they'll be more jacked up for this game than former Eagle Donovan McNabb.

This is classic, 4pm kickoff, NFC East divisional football. These two teams have split their last 6 meetings straight up, and the Skins are 7-3-1 ATS in the last 11 meetings. Andy Reid and the Eagles are a pathetic 2-8 ATS, last 10 home divisional games. We'll take our chances on the beaten dog getting almost a touchdown, to get back up off the canvas and give the big "F-You!" to Michael Vick and crew.

College Football Sidenote: Major shout out to our boy "Promotional Tony", a friend of ours who works for Miller Lite as a walking product placement ad. Yeah, the dude likes his MLs. Anyway, dude has give the Yack 4 straight Thursday night college football winners against the number. We'll post next week's game, even though we're sure this plug is most likely the kiss of death.

Last Week 2-1
YTD 6-2-1

point spreads found at

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Picture courtesy of MikQuattro via Flickr

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mike Tomlin is a Pretty Good Coach, and Other Thoughts

Big Hair-Big Ass-Big Truck Nation has a pretty good head coach. Besides the fact that he's the youngest head coach to win a Super Bowl, Mike Tomlin's regular season .667 winning percentage through 51 games, is equal to that of "Jaw" Cowher.

While the johnson yanker has spent the first three games on the sideline, Tomlin put egos and distractions aside, played the cards he was dealt (Dixon and Batch), and has led the Steelers to a "nobody predicted" 3-0 start.

Two wins on the road, two wins as a Vegas dog, the #1 defense in the league- if the Steelers beat divisional rival Baltimore this weekend, setting a perfect plate for Big Ben's return, we might see an outbreak of starting quarterbacks next off season, pulling out their peckers at college bars.

The Redskins 3:4 Defense
Through 3 games last year, the Redskins defense had given up 977 yards. Through 3 games this year, the Redskins defense has given up 1,271 yards. That's about a 3:4 ratio.

Easy Money
We all know the Sportsyack has been hotter than a firecracker to start off the 2010 campaign. Some of our prognosticating requires a plethora of knowledge and years of study, and some of it is just playing basic trends.

Take for example, the "west coast team travels to east coast, and has to play a 1 o'clock EST game" trend. Follow all of that? Last year, it was a chicken dinner at 15-4 ATS. This year, its 2-0 (Oak at Tenn, and Arz at Atl)

This week features San Fran at Atlanta, in game that kicks off at 1 o'clock Eastern. Currently, the Dirty Birds are a 6.5 point favorite. My advice to you would be to tune back into The Sportsyack later in the week, when we've removed our lab coats and come out of our prognosticating holes, to see if we make the ATL one of our guaranteed winners.

The Sportsyack is guaranteed a push on our two pre-season Nats bets. We've closed out Oriole fan on our Nats +2 wins vs. O's win total bet, and we're still holding out hope on our over 70.5 wins bet. With 5 games to go, we need the Nats to finish 4-1 to hit that magic number.

Maybe the NL East Division winner Phillies, and their loud obnoxious, well traveled, dick-head Phans, will lay down the last two games of this current series, and then that way they can focus all their energy on rooting for that cocksucker, dog killing, asshole quarterback, who has to play the before mentioned 3:4 Redskin defense this upcoming Sunday.

A perfect Sunday for the Sportsyack: The Nats winning number 71, and Donovan McNabb and Crew going up to South Philly, and beating that Eagle ass. What was Al Michaels infamous call during the 1980 Winter Olympics?

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Pic of Mike Tomlin courtesy of B. Gohacki, via Flickr

Thursday, September 23, 2010

NFL Week 3: Get The 411, From the 4-1-1

(Dallas +2.5) at Houston
Following their first 0-2 start in 9 years, the mood took a very serious tone down in Dallas this week. Tony Romo cancelled all of his scheduled tee times, turned his hat around (bill forward), and he didn't bang any ditsy blond bitches during the night time hours. On the coaching front, Wade Phillips and Jason Garrett took time off from their off Broadway production of 'Deliverance' (they play the infamous Mountain Men) to spend more time game planning. And word is from the owner's suite, that when Jerry Jones frowned following Sunday's home loss to the Bears, you could actually see his facial muscles contract.

As much as The Sportsyack hates those cocksuckers known as the Dallas Cowboys, we don't think they're as bad as their 0-2 record, and we certainly have a hard time seeing them with an 0-3 record.

Tony Romo has thrown for over 650 yards in two tough losses. In fact, as a whole, Dallas' 790 total yards through two weeks is good enough for the 4th best offense in the league. Houston certainly has been impressive with their ass kicking of Indy, and their come from behind win over the Skins, but one thing the upstart Texans don't have is a good defense.(ranked 31st, only better than Jim Haslett's crazy, fucking, spectacular, 3-4 he has going on down in DC)

Fantasy players who have Tony Romo, start that chippy bastard. Romo throws for over 350 yards and 4 touchdowns, and Dallas wins this game outright.

Cleveland at (Baltimore-10.5)
Besides leading the country in above ground pools, STDs, cars in the front lawn, cousins who marry cousins, inferior complexes about their baseball team, the first smoke stacks you see after you leave the DC Metro, head lice cases, and bed bug cases in 3 and 4 star hotels, Baltimore (the Ravens, not the town) also leads the NFL as the team everyone thinks will represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, even though they've only scored 20 total points through 2 games.

Following a perfect 4-0 ATS and SU to end the '09 campaign (and the Yack getting on over 5.5 wins for '10), the Browns have proceeded to shit the bed to open the 2010 season. A week 1 meltdown down in Tampa, a Jake Delhomme high ankle sprain, and the Browns are scrambling to not let this season get away. (they also apparently were on the phone all week with Philly, trying to deal for Kevin Kolb)

Where are they now, Redskins fans? Jason Campbell got benched in Oakland, and the canoe rider, Jim Zorn, is coaching the 32nd ranked QB in the league. In the last 4 games between these two teams, the Ravens have won all 4 by an average of almost 19 points. Joe Flacco gets Zorn off the schnide this week, as the Ravens will score at least 24 points, while the quarterback-less Browns might not score.

(Tennessee +3) at NYGiants
I played golf Tuesday with a NYGiants "insider". A NYGiants "insider" would be defined as a lifelong NYGiants fan, who pays much more particular attention to that team than the average fan. He told me the Giants have the worst defense he's seen in almost 15 years.

The Titans on the other hand, have one of the best defenses- as in the best (ranked 1st overall). We told you we had taken note to the fact that they gave up the opening kickoff for 6 last week to Pittsburgh, lost the turnover battle 7-1, yet somehow were in a position to tie the game at the end.

We're still in the tank for Jeff Fisher and the Titans. Chris Johnson will not be held to 34 yards rushing. And the Giants will continue the pattern of what will end up being a very mediocre NFC East this year.

Last Week 2-1
YTD 4-1-1

Points spreads found on

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Pic of Tony Romo working on his putting, courtesy of DPugh38 via Flickr

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Week In Review

The Yack is out to a pretty good start handicapping the NFL. We're 4-1-1 through the first two weeks, and we're working on Week 3 games as we speak- even as we "rest" ourselves outside the '703'.

The Titans game Sunday is exactly why we refrain from making certain games bigger plays than others. From the opening kickoff, that game was a total betting disaster. Remarkably, after allowing the opening kickoff to go to the house for 6, and losing the turnover battle 7-1, the Titans somehow were driving and in a position to tie (with a two point conversion), had they scored on their last drive. We've taken note.

With 11 games to play, we've written off the "Over 70.5 wins" bet on the Nats, and our bet against the Orioles win total continues to get tighter. We have a 4 game lead on the O's bet, factoring in the 2 win spread. We wish "arms crossed" Riggleman would take a cue from "Buck Me!" Showalter, and put a foot up someone's ass for the final week and a half of the season. If we lose the bet against the O's win total, it would be one of the biggest collapses in futures betting history.

We're blaming @moneymetalcakes of The Junkies on On Saturday we were all over ECU +20 against the 0-2 Hokies. We loved it! That was until the notoriously wrong prognosticator (Cakes) took to twitter Saturday morning and tweeted: "Lock of the day...ECU +20 @ that line a joke? Bet it big!!!"

Sure enough, even after taking a 27-21 lead in the 3rd quarter, the Pirates of ECU opted to give up 28 unanswered points, and lost 49-27. That's right, sports fans. A team who was getting 20 points on the point spread, who was leading 27-21 in the 3rd quarter, somehow did not cover the line. Its games like that one, that drive us to go Lloyd Bridges from Airplane!.

Three days removed from the Redskins heartbreaking loss, we're not quite ready to go back to sniffing glue, drinking, pills, etc. Donovan McNabb's play, and quite frankly Kyle Shanahan's game scheming, leaves us optimistic about how things could be moving forward.

We haven't seen an aerial attack like the one we saw on Sunday, since the days of Rypien or Theismann. Unfortunately, the aerial attack put on by Schaub and the Texans, was just as impressive.

We're not as concerned about our lack of running game, as some others may be. I think they'll be able to run the ball, when the game plan calls for it. If you want to worry, maybe you should worry about the fact that the Skins defense has yielded almost 800 yards through the air, in just two games. Or the fact that every time Danny Smith's special teams takes the field, there is always a chance a Chinese fire drill breaks out.

Fred Davis' missed assignment (which by the way, the dream bar lover's assignment was nothing more that taking half a step to his right) cost them that game, its that simple. Its that type of boneheaded play, that cost the Skins a chance at 2-0, which would've put them all alone at the top of the NFC East.

But all is not lost. Dallas is 0-2, and everyone else is 1-1 and appears far from flawless. If the Skins take care of business in St. Louis this weekend, 2-1 is what most Skins fans would've taken through three weeks, heading into their week 4 divisional showdown, with the dog killer led Eagles.

More NFL handicap winners will be posted by Friday.

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Friday, September 17, 2010

NFL Week 2: Playing With House Money

Blemish less weekends are few and far between. But that is what The Sportsyack did to open the NFL season, going 2-0-1 ATS on documented picks, 4-0-1 if you count our very drunken Redskins +3.5 wager we made Sunday night, as well as a small play we made Monday Night on the Ravens under. Our clients are positioned to double down on their man for Week #2, and we're here to provide them with big, fat winners. Let's go to the video tape!

Baltimore at Cincy +2.5
The only thing hotter than a game that features a team on the back end of back-to-back roadies, who is the favorite, on a short work week, is some Mexican female sports reporter, who wears tight jeans and belly shirts.

That's what you get here. The Ravens, having played Monday night, get to travel to Cincy having just played in the Meadowlands, AND they're laying almost a field goal. That's what the Yack likes to call a 78 percenter.

Since 1992, only 22% of NFL teams have covered their back end, roadie/roadie game. Cincy is 4-1 ATS and SU, last 5 home games vs Baltimore. Offensively, the Bengals will be fine against Baltimore's stifling defense. In their loss to New England, the Bengals won the time of possession battle, and were a perfect 2/2 scoring touch downs in the red zone. You need to score points to win in this league, and we're still not sold on Baltimore's offense. Bengals win outright.

Pittsburgh at Tennessee -5
In case you haven't noticed, the Titans have won 9 of their last 11 regular season games. They're the best team in football, with the best coach in football, that nobody is even putting into the conversation.

Dennis Dixon did enough last week, just to keep the Steelers in the game, which allowed them to win in overtime. This week will be a different story. Last week against Oakland, the Titans only allowed 180 yards through the air, much of which was gained late in the game, when the game was a blowout.

Trust me when I tell you, Jeff Fischer will utilize this Rothlisberger-less situation, to punch the Steelers right in the fucking face. We don't like to label big games with stars, or 'stone cold locks', but if you only bet one game this weekend, this is the one to bet. 24-9 Titans.

New Orleans at San Fran +5.5
This game is going to be a bookie's wet dream. Unless of course you follow the Yack's advice. Defending Super Bowl champs, coming off a national TV win, with 3 days extra rest; Saints big, right? Hold it right there, buddy.

For starters, we weren't that impressed with the Saints win over Minnesota. They were lethargic, they missed chip shot field goals, and they still have the Super Bowl hangover. We're pretty sure that psycho bastard Singletary probably put the Niners through a Navy Seal-esque "Hell Week" practice, and we expect them to come out firing on all cylinders, in front of a national audience. San Fran was 6-2 SU at home last year, and in their last 10 games as a dog, they're an impressive 7-1-2 ATS.
23-20 San Fran in OT.

Last week 2-0-1
YTD 2-0-1

Lines courtesy of

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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Just Shoot Us: Nats Wagers Update

With 16 games to go in the regular MLB season, The Sportsyack is about ready to go Kurt Cobain on ourselves with our Nationals wagers. And we're not talking about the victorious stage dive into the crowd Cobain used to do, with guitar around shoulder, while all amped up on some roadie's 8 ball. We're talking the day that bitch Courtney Love, had gotten on his last nerve.

Our first wager, which we placed with the infamous "Legend" of Vegas, was on Over the Nats' win total (70.5). We felt pretty good about it through the first two months of the season. In fact, the Nats were about .500 (26-27)going into the month of June. But a 162 game season can ebb and flow, and lets just say there has been a lot of ebbing in Nats Town lately.

Since the 1st of July, the Nats are 36-57, and have not been able to muster more than a 3 game winning streak since(once). They had to shelve their golden boy Strasburg, and have had to deal with the absurdity that is Nyjer Morgan.

To cash this "ticket", The Yack needs to find 9 curly dubyas, with 16 to go. They have 10 games at home, and 6 on the road. Realistically, we need the Nats to take 2 of 3 from the Phillies this weekend, and then at least 3 of 4 from Houston, who they get at Nats Park next week. That would put us at 67 wins with 9 games to go.

The second wager was made against "Joe Owner", lifelong Orioles fan, and real life Charlie Harper (Two and a Half Men). This simpleton gave us the Nats +2 wins, versus the Orioles win total. Now let me tell you how bad this has gone.

On August 3rd, when "Buck Me!" (as in Fuck Me!) Showalter took over, the lowly (at the time) Orioles were 33-73, and were the laughing stock of MLB. The Nats at the same time were 47-60, a 16 game cushion, when you factor in the 2 game spread. The Sportsyack was pretty much counting our money.

Fast forward to mid September. The "Buck Me!" Showalter led Orioles are 25-15, while the Strasburg-less Nats have gone 15-24 during that same span. What that equates to is a much slimmer 6 game cushion, with 16 to play. Drip, drip, drip....(us sweating)
(Tom Boswell does a nice compare and contrast, in this morning's WaPo. After we had already started this blog, we might add.)

Remarkably, since "Buck Me!" Showalter took over, the 25-15 Orioles have a "3 game lead" on the rest of the division.


Baltimore 25-15
NYYankees 22-18
Tampa Bay 21-18
Boston 21-18
Toronto 17-22

So as excited as The Yack is about the Redskins 1-0 start, thanks to the Dukes of Hazzard play callers (Jason Garrett and Bum's son), we still have a lot going on in the world of MLB. We're going to load up on guns and bring our friends, because its fun to lose and to pretend. Except we don't think losing is fun, and we really think we could still win both wagers.

A denial, a denial, a denial.......

*sidenote* Wanna feel old, Generation X'ers? Nirvana's "Nevermind" album will turn 19 years old next week. (Released September 24,1991)

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Kurt Cobain pic courtesy of Gary Carlson on Flickr
Nyjer Morgan's stupidity was yanked off of YouTube
Kool Aid drinking Oriole fan courtesy of Anthony Amobi on Flickr

Friday, September 10, 2010

NFL Week 1: Bring Back Keith Olbermann (j/k)

Ok. We got that out of the way. No, not the Minnesota/New Orleans snooze fest, that was an ATS push with most bookies, but the abortion in HD, that was NBC's pre-game show.

NBC, are you serious? Football has been dormant for 8 months, and you're going to fill an hour of pre-game with Taylor Swift and Dave "Ok, they were cool in college- I guess, when our girlfriends would throw in their CD, but they suck now" Matthews Band?

Also, that great, heartfelt piece Brian Williams did with the most important guy in the world (Brad Pitt), really set the tone for me. At least B.Williams didn't sound like a total horse's ass, when he told Bob Costas at the end of the piece that, "if you're going to throw two tragedies on a city in the last 5 years (Katrina and BP spill), then this is the place."

Speaking of Costas, now that everyone and their brother is comfortable admitting that MLB's wild card is cool, and Costas is the only guy left preaching two divisions, two leagues, 4 playoff teams, can we just take him out back and shoot him already? He's pasty and annoying.

And I thought letting Keith Olbermann go was awesome, but filling his spot with Rodney Harrison might not have been the greatest of ideas. Besides Harrison's propensity for losing his train of thought, why did it seem he was in a rush to spit out his "thoughts" as quickly as possible? In doing so, he seemed to always cut off Coach Dungy, and it made for what seemed to be a very uncomfortable set.

Last night's pre-game was a blatant reminder as to why nothing compares to waking up Sunday morning, pouring yourself a bloody, and then letting ESPN and NFL Network set the tone for the day.

Indy at Houston (OVER 47)
We're not quite ready to pass the torch from Peyton to Matt, but we do like over the total here. The Colts have won 6 straight in this match up, and even though we could be approaching the transition phase in this division, we would not touch this game with a 10 foot pole, or in layman's terms, Martellus Bennett's dick.

Now lets set the TREND for winning in 2010, and we've got a few trends that like this wager. The over has hit in 9 of the last 10 games between these two teams. Also, the Texans have played 7 straight overs in the month of September. We'd like to think the up and coming Texans have a shot here (10-3 ATS as a dog, last 13), but lay your cash on a lot of Manning and Schaub shotgun formations, which will lead to a good old fashion shoot out down in Texas.

(Cleveland +3) at Tampa
Oh, yes. The Brownies. As the loyal Yack reader knows, we've got our sack all up in the Browns this year. And if they're going to win over 5.5 games this year, this is one they need and will win.

For starters, Tampa is freaking awful. They will end up with one of the 2nd or 3rd worst records in football, by season's end. How and the fuck they're laying points to anybody, is beyond me. They only won 1 game at home last year, and were an abysmal 0-4 ATS vs the AFC.

The Browns, on the other hand, finished the '09 campaign on a 4-0 run both straight up and ATS. We do like the direction Holmgren and Mangini are taking this team, and we still think Jake D can be a formidable quarterback. The Bucs game in Tampa is getting blacked out locally. And its a good thing for the locals. Browns win this game by 10-14 points.

Carolina at (NYGiants -7)
We love the G-Men here for two reasons. Number 1, its a revenge game of sorts, as it pertains to the week 16 drumming the Panthers laid on the Giants in the Meadowlands, just 9 months ago. Secondly, from a preparation handicapping angle, we like how Tom Couglin approaches the start of the season, better than how Jon Fox does. And the numbers don't lie.

Tom Couglin's Giants, playing in arguably one of the toughest divisions in football, are gang busters in the month of September. They have won 10 straight in the NFL's opening month, going 8-1-1 ATS during that span. That's pretty good. On the other side of the ball, Jon Fox is working with a team thats on the decline, who started out the '09 season 0-3, and 1-5 ATS for the first month and a half. The Giants are under the radar coming into this season, and if Dallas doesn't live up to expectations, Tom Couglin and Crew will be your NFC East division winners.

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video courtesy of youtube
image of "Keith Olbermann" courtesy of Flickr

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Looking Into The NFL Future(s): Lock 2 of 2

Cleveland Browns over 5.5 wins

What the fuck is going on with the city of Cleveland? I realize you could've started asking that question some 40 years ago, when the Cuyahoga River caught on fire, or when Earnest Byner put the ball on the ground against the Broncos in the '87 AFC Championship Game, but this is ri-god-damn-diculous! Its truly one thing after another.

First it was LeBron, who practically sodomized the city on national TV this summer, as Creepy Gray looked on with his pants around his ankles, just weeks after the Cavs bowed out to the Celtics in the NBA playoffs. (check out this segue way) Now last week, the Browns second round pick and probable starter at running back, Montario Hardesty, tore his ACL, and is done for the year. (your welcome, Montario. Sorry, LeBron)

I just went to my local Best Buy to pick up Madden 11, and the entire city of Cleveland was on the cover. (Along with Dez Bryant, the Dallas O-line, and Tony Romo-Yeah, Fuck You Dallas! 4 days and counting, bitches!)

Seriously though, we love the Browns this year. (as well as in Week 1, but we'll tell that story tomorrow or Friday) We love how they ran the table last December, closing out the '09 campaign on a 4-0 run both on the scoreboard, and ATS(yum-yum!!!) We also like Mike Holmgren, and his at least attempt at sanity for the battered franchise. The Brownies had 8 draft picks within the first 6 rounds of this year's draft, and they shipped 9 vets out, and brought 11 vets in.

Laugh all you want about new starting QB Jake Delhomme, but we feel he can still be productive, and the guy is a fighter (just ask MeAngelo). Excluding last year, in the previous 5 years JD has been healthy, he has always thrown more Touches than Picks, and consistently has a passer rating in the mid to upper 80's.

Even with Hardesty's injury, the Browns should get running production from both Jerome Harrison and Peyton Hills, who they picked up from Denver, and who from most accounts, has impressed the coaching staff. Josh Cribbs might be the most underrated "exciting guy when he gets the ball" in the league, and will be available to return kicks, and line up in the Wildcat.

The Browns strength of schedule isn't the greatest for this wager(11th), but other than the Ravens, we feel the rest of their division will be frauds this year, including the much over hyped Bungholes.

We believe the Browns will be in almost every game they play this year, and we expect no less than 7 wins out of them. If we told you they'd come out of the gate 2-0, everyone and their mother would be on this. The Browns, following at Tampa (Week 1, a game we are taking out mortgages to bet on!) and at home against KC (Week 2), will come out of the gate 2-0.

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odds courtesy of

video courtesy of youtube
image courtesy of Alfred Benway, via Flickr

Rich Turpin's Very Super Forecast: The 2017 Washington Redskins

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