Thursday, September 8, 2011

NFL Week 1: We Wonder Who Bin Fuck Face Took In His Fantasy Draft This Year

Last year we were a blistering 11 games over .500 against the number. The information provided in this blog shouldn't be free. But in the spirit of the greatest country on the planet, and the fact that almost 10 years after 9/11, our Navy Seals put Bin Laden's brain matter all over the back of that 19 inch rabbit eared black and white television that the cocksucker used to watch porn on, these picks are on us, America.

Atlanta(-2.5) at Chicago
The Falcons are ready to take the next step this year. Still reeling from the ass thumping they took at home in last year's playoffs courtesy of the Packers, expect Matty Ice and crew to come out firing on all cylinders.

We expect big things from the Dirty Birds this year. Having added Julio Jones to an offense that includes Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez, and Michael Turner, don't be surprised to see Sundays in Atlanta this fall to replicate Sundays in St.Louis, circa the turn of the century.

Jay Cutler is back for the Bears, less Kristin Cavallari. Our friends at TMZ tell us that Cutler, according to Cavallari, was simply too controlling. And she also couldn't stand the fact that they were both on the same menstrual cycle.

The Bears are odd men out this year in the NFC North. Besides the fact that their QB is a quitter, their offensive line is still extremely porous, and we're not shaking in our shoes with the addition of Roy Williams. The Bears will finish last in their division, and will get boat raced in Week 1.

**Key Trend** The Falcons have covered 5 straight games as a road favorite.

Indy(+9) at Texans
Don't get caught up in the hype of Peyton Manning's first missed start since the Clinton Administration, literally. And we're not ready to anoint the Texans as the new kings of the AFC South.

For starters, we have a hard time laying almost double digits against a team the Texans have only beat once in their last 9 tries. Secondly, Kerry Collins might like to have the occasional cocktail and fire off racial slurs at teammates, but the guy is no slouch and he's quite capable.

In 17 seasons now in the NFL, Collins has passed for over 40,000 yards (11th all time), and has thrown 206 TDs vs 195 INTs. Last year in 10 games with a dysfunctional Tennessee Titans team, he threw for over 1,800 yard, 14 TDs, 8 INTs. Lastly, the Colts still have one of the best O-Lines in football, having allowed Peyton to be sacked just 16 times last year, which was the lowest allowed in the league, tied with the NY Giants.

Expect the Colts to step up and rally around Collins. Also, don't sleep on the fact that the Texans defensively last year, were only better than Denver and the Redskins. Arian Foster is most likely not playing, or in the least is not 100%, and the Texans will choke under the weight of mightier expectations this year. Load up on the spread, and consider a money line bet as well.

NY Giants at Washington(+3)
The Giants have had the Redskins number for awhile now, winning 9 of the last 10 games between the two teams. However, the Redskins are catching a break drawing this team in Week 1 this year, as the Giants come into town on a MASH unit helicopter. (see injury report, people born after 1982)

Change is finally in the air in DC, and it has nothing to do with that guy who will have a "For Sale" sign in his yard next November. We're talking about that other rat-the one who resides at Redskin Park.

According to the research done by The Washington Times Dan Daly, the Redskins projected starting roster is almost 3 years younger than last year. Last year's starting lineup, on average, was 30.7 years old. This year's projected starters are 27.8 years of age. A younger QB, a younger RB in Tim Hightower, and the most draft picks in 16 years- all part of the Shanahan Stamp.

As noted, the Giants are beat up and ripe for the picking here. Don't expect the Redskins defense to resemble last year's 31st rank debacle, that featured some fat guy who just laid on the ground while the play was still going on. And we're not jumping off bridges, just because Rex Grossman is the starter.

Last year Sexy Rexy started the final 3 games of the season, and during that span the Redskins went 3-0 against the number. In fact, his numbers (vs. the Cowboys, Jags, and Giants) were pretty damn good. Over those 3 games, he threw for 840 yards, 7 TDs vs. 4 INTs. Against Dallas and the Giants, Grossman posted a 93.4 and 88.8 passer rating, respectively.

Mike Shanahan has an impressive 12-4 (75%) opening day record, and he has NEVER lost an opening game versus a divisional opponent (5-0). Redskins will get up early, and then plant their foot on the Giants collective throats.

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