Thursday, September 29, 2011

NFL Week 4: Tony Romo Invented Oxygen

5-4-1 thru 3 weeks. We got healthy last week with a Bills ATS and moneyline win. Monday night on twitter, we gave out the Redskins/Cowboys under (winner). We have picked every game in a Junkies fan sponsored league we're in, and we're 31-17 ATS thru 3 weeks, good enough for 2nd out of 46 participants. Won't you join me?

Detroit/Dallas (Under 46)
Tony Romo is coming off the game of his life. At least that's what Jaws and Jon Gruden told me, right after they removed Romo's cock out of their collective mouths.

Tony Romo got married over the off season, and reportedly conducted a game of hide-n-seek at his bachelor party. That was the party goers choice, over Romo's other options of spin the bottle and truth or dare.

Detroit has played 3 straight OVERs, Jerr's team has played 2 of 3 OVERs thru three weeks, and the last 3 times these two teams have met, the scoring has gone north of 54. Not today, sports fans! Dallas and Detroit enter this contest with the #5 and #6 ranked defenses. Expect Detroit to keep it close to the vest, in their first real test to determine if "they're for real". This is a 21-17 game. Under.

Minnesota at KC (+1.5)
The Chefs, and no I didn't misspell that, have had a dreadful first few weeks. They're 0-3, and they lost their first two games 41-7 and 48-3. Last week against the best/worst coach to ever coach in the NFL, they hung around, but eventually lost to Norville Turner's Chargers, 20-17.

The people of Minnesota are already fed up with the wristband-less antics of that fat, out of shape DONEovan McNubb. We read at least 3 Minnesota based articles this week, calling for his benching. Don't think too much about this one. The Chiefs are going to roll in what will be the didn't see it coming blow out of the weekend.

SF at Philly(-9/moneyline/survivor league/whatever else the fuck you can bet it)
Michael Vick's pap smear results came back, and from what we can tell, his clitoris is fully in tact. That fucking dog killer/cry baby/now millionaire created some controversy last week with his post game comments about not getting enough roughing the passer calls.

He seemed to be teetering on the edge of saying it was racial when he said, "Those honkie, mother fucking, whitey bitche refs never throw the mother fucking flag when they hit me!!!...Sheeeet, man!!!"

**Disclaimer** We made those Mike Vick quotes up. **Disclaimer**

In other (factual) news, via Mike Florio at Profootballtalk, through 3 weeks of games in the NFL, Jason Campbell has drawn the most roughing the QB calls.....

Listen up. The west coast to east coast 1pm start here is in extra full effect. Those poor bastards from Frisco should send Carlos Rogers to NY to give Roger Goodell a handjob for this scheduling bullshit. (Redskin fans might get that joke)

In the last 7 days, the 49ers flew from Frisco to Cincinnati, Ohio, where they beat the Bengals last Sunday. They then flew back home to California. Now they get to get on a plane, and fly across country again to play the Eagles at 1pm eastern this Sunday. Forget about it, 49er fan. Eagles cover it all.

***It came to our attention after we already wrote this masterpiece, that the 49ers stayed in Youngstown, Ohio all week, and did NOT fly back and forth across country. In any case, they stayed in Youngstown fucking Ohio all week. All handicapping reasons we stated above should still apply. Eagles***

Redskins(-1.5) at St.Louis
Dear degenerate gamblers everywhere (yes, I'm listening), you can thank ESPN and their one-way reporting Monday night, for influencing the masses into thinking this is a field goal or less game.

Redskin fan or not, run down to your nearest book(ie) and bet the mortgage on this one. Shanahan and Sons will exploit the pourus(dead last) rush defense of the Rams, and will win this game going away. Skins defense has improved from 31st to 16th, and is allowing the 5th fewest points in the league. The old Skins would probably lose here. This ain't the old Skins, hater.Redskins.

NY Giants at Arizona(+1)
This is our biggest lock of the weekend!!! Simply put, we don't think the Giants are very good. And even coming off that impressive win in Philly, here is our take:

Tom Coughlin, who we respect and think is a great coach(seriously), got his players all in last Sunday against the Eagles. The Giants were coming off 6 quarters of mediocre football. An awful second half vs. the Redskins, and an as bad as you can play and still win a game game against the Rams. Their game last weekend, going into Philly and smacking that ass, was a "WE GOT TO GET IT DONE, FELLAS!!!" type game.

The Cardinals are coming off back to back tough road losses. 22-21 at Washington, and 13-10 at Seattle. Expect a Cardinals team ready to play, and ready to punch an average at best Giants team right in the face, who will be fresh from their cross country flight.

Yeah, we emphasize travel a bit much, but we use, and we get travel deals!!! Bill Shatner has morphed into a bloated pig. Eli Manning has morphed into a horrible quarterback. 20-10 Cardinals.

Last week 1-1 ATS
YTD 5-4-1 ATS

Follow us on twitter @sportsyack @JudgePatrick

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