Saturday, December 22, 2012

NFL Week 16: A Stocking Full of ATS Winners

The Lions are 9-15 since "the handshake"
Atlanta at Detroit (+4)
Way to go,  Lions. You just got your asses kicked by the lowly Arizona Cardinals. I'm trying to pin point the moment your team began to shit the bed, and it appears to me that it started when that dick Jim Harbaugh bitch slapped your head coach with "the handshake", week 6 of last year (9-15 since, Lion Nation).

Here are the factors I'm playing here: Atlanta to come down after their statement game in that beat down they just gave the G-Men, the Pussy Cats to come up, after that beat down they received in the desert, and of course getting a home dog (who up until last week, was scoring big points) catching 4. Chew on this: The Falcons are 0-7 ATS the week after allowing 15 points or fewer. Conversely, the Pussy Cats are 4-0 ATS the week after they score 15 or less points. Good  enough for me. 27-20 Lions.

Oakland at Carolina (-8.5)
Pump the brakes, Bevis. Cam Newton is about to lose his job to some little kid, for Christ's sake. How and the hell are Mr. Newton and his Carolina Pussy Cats laying almost double digits? Is Oakland that piss poor awful? Uhh....Yes, Butthead.

Besides, this Oakland team has done horribly in the "fly east, play the 1pm kick" spot. Other than an early season 3 point loss at Atlanta, the Rai-duzz have gotten absolutely pollaxed when playing in the big boy time zone. 35-13 losers to Miami, 55-20 losers to Baltimore, and 34-10 losers to Cincinnati.

The Raiders are 1-6 ATS in their last 7 games overall (the "1" being that "impressive" 15-0 field goal fest last week against the Chiefs), and they're 0-5 ATS in their last 5 following a SU win. Look for a very lackluster Rai-duzz team who has enjoyed 3 straight home games in that shit hole known as Oakland. Also, look for the Rai-duzz to attempt a halftime trade with Carolina; Carson Palmer for the kid whose just "loosening up my arm". 30-13 Panthers.

Cincy at Pittsburgh (-3.5)
I'm playing the percentages here. Big Ben is due. Following his return from injury, you have a very lackluster performance at home against an inferior Bolts team, and then last week's meltdown to what I feel is also an inferior team in the Dallas "Drunk Drivers Who Kill Are Welcomed" Cowboys. Not to mention the Bungholes recent history at Heinz Field- not good.

The Bungholes are 1-4 SU in Pittsburgh over the last 5 meetings between these two, and generally speaking, the Bungholes get absolutely slammed while visiting Western Pennsylvania. In those 4 losses at John Kerry's Wife's Stadium, they've lost 35-7, 23-7, 27-10, and 24-10. For all intents and purposes, those are beat downs. The Steelers are 11-3 ATS in their last 14 following a SU loss. Look out civil people, the Big Hairs will be in a drunken, stinky, stupor of a victory formation come Sunday afternoon. Gross. 26-14 Steelers.

Washington at Philly (+6.5)
My, how times have changed. The last time these two teams met in Philly, the Uggles were 7 point favorites, and they administered a 34-7 beat down to the burgundy and gold. Coincidentally, we had a similar score in the beat down the Redskins gave Philly a little over a month ago in DC, 31-6. But that game was also the debut of Nick "Napoleon Dynamite" Foles, who looked about as stiff as a dead coach's son with a backpack full of steroids. (Sorry for the insensitivity this week, but I'm coming off a post in which I laid low with the schtick, so I'm making up for lost opportunities. Carry on....)

Be leary, Redskin fan. There is nothing Fat Andy and those degenerate Uggles fans would rather do than fuck up your post season plans. Something tells me too, that a formerly concussed LeSean McCoy (who was dinged up in the closing minutes of the Uggles/Skins first game), is not suiting up on Sunday for shits and giggles. The Uggles are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 in December, 6-2-1 ATS in their last 9 versus the NFC East. This could come down to Mr. Perfect's (Kai Forbath's) leg. 23-20 Washington.

New York Giants at Baltimore OVER 47
Here is a game that features two teams coming off absolute beat downs. The G-Men, down in HotLanta. The Charm City Crowes at home,  last weekend at the hands of The Six Million Dollar Neck.

JF will be laughing all the way to the bank in 2013
Raven fan, remember back in the day- you know, the year 2000 (Conan fan)- when your defense resembled something other than the old, broken down piece of crap car that it is now? Those were the days, huh? Ray-Ray still (kind of) had blood on his hands, yet was just  beginning to discover God, and Trent Dilfer looked like Joe  Montana, compared to what Joe Flacco looks like now.

Fast forward to present day. Your defense sucks (26th), Joe Flacco- though average, is going to get paid like a Super Bowl winning journeyman QB, and that genius John Harbaugh fired your OC with three weeks to go in the season. Good times!

Good thing you're playing a team with an equally sucky defense (28th), whose offense in consecutive weeks scored 52 and then 0 (zero). The G-men will definitely not be egged two weeks in a row, and I also think the future millionaire- Joe Flacco, connects for a few 6 point passes. The OVER is 11-2 ATS in Baltimore's last 13 following a SU loss. 31-27 Giants.

Last Week                         2-2 ATS
Barking Dogs YTD        17-15 ATS
Totals YTD                        7-4 ATS

YTD                            39-33-1 ATS (54%)
Since 2010                114-74-8 ATS (61%)

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