Friday, October 4, 2013

NFL Week 5: Keeping My Head Afloat

Old Red Face Won't Get Bumped
 by Walt Disney or Chip Kelly
Philadelphia at NY Giants (-2.5)
Tom Coughlin has had a rough start to the 2013 campaign. His G-men have started out 0-4, and they're coming off back to back pollaxings in which they were out scored 69-7. That's pretty bad. Almost as bad as a professional sports organization getting their Championship Finals moved out of the arena they're supposed to be played in, so that Disney on Ice can take place.

Question: If a WNBA Championship Final took place the day after stepping aside so Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck could run around on skates, and nobody showed up to watch the rescheduled game, would it still make noise?

Tom Coughlin's got more pull than the WNBA and Disney on Ice, for that matter. And he's got more pull than that knucklehead Chip Kelly. Give me Tom Coughlin over Chip Kelly, Eli Manning over Mike Vick, and the fact that I'm a firm believer that the G-men can't possibly be this bad. Coughlin has had some rough starts before, and I think they right the ship this week. NYG are 7-1 ATS in Week 5 over last 8, and 4-1 ATS at home in their last 5 versus teams with losing records. "We Got Next, Mickey." 41-31 Giants.

Seattle at Indy (+3)
Did you see Matt Schaub take a big, fat, steamy dump all over himself last week? The Texans were 2 minutes and 40 seconds from finishing off the Monsters from the Northwest, in a game they absolutely dominated, until that goofy looking sum bitch threw a pass up for grabs like it was a hot potato.

Last week I correctly predicted that the Saints would lay the wood to the Miami Dolphins who had just escaped a game they should've lost against Atlanta the week before. Well this week, Seattle is my Miami and Indy is my New Orleans.


Nevermind. My point is, Seattle escaped with an improbably W last week, and they're in a bad spot here, on the back end of consecutive roadies. And quite frankly, they haven't looked very good on the road this year. Last week's before mentioned escape, as well as week 1's game at Carolina, where they were a DeAngelo Williams' red zone fumble away from a straight up loss.

The Colts are on a heater. They followed up the beat down they gave San Fran two weeks ago, with a beat down to the hapless Jags, in a spot in which they could've been flat. Nonetheless, the Colts are on a 64-10 (score) run over that span. Much attention will be paid to Andrew Luck's performance, but don't sleep on Indy's defense. 8th overall in the league, and just 459 total yards yielding in their last two contests. Ruff-Ruff. 30-16 Colts. 

That Fat Fuck on The Left Can Coach Defenses
New Orleans (Pick'em) at Chicago
Whose the problem, Jerra? You or that stringy haired, slob of a defensive coordinator you let go, who all of the sudden has the 6th ranked defense in the league down in New Orleans with (essentially) the same group of guys who were ranked 32nd just a year ago.

Whose the problem, Jerra? I think its you, Jerra, and that powerless Head Coach Jason Garrett, and your $60 pizzas. And the annual underachievement of a team whose fans and talking heads alike, have dreams of grandeur each first week of September.... (See Colin Cowherd or Peter King's annual evaluation of Dallas, in which case Jerra, Tony Romo, and the rest of the Cowboys are awesome, Rob Ryan is a dipshit, and Dallas will most likely be playing in this year's Super Bowl)

More on the Cowboys in a minute.

Rob Ryan is back. Sean Payton is back. And Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat talking about 'dem Saints, are back as well. 4-0, hitting on all cylinders, and on Sunday they'll keep their train a-rollin' and show the rest of the league that 'da Bears are frauds.

Yes, the Saints are back. And being overshadowed by the year Peyton Manning is having, is the first month of the season that Drew Brees has had. Over 1,400 yards passing, 10 TDs to 4 picks, and a 103.8 passer rating. Not so much for an over-hyped Jay Cutler. I'm not sure why the media has been on this guy's jock like he's had some kind of revitalization. He's completing 64% of his passes, he's thrown 8 TDs to 6 picks, and he's got an 85 passer rating. Big fucking deal.

Here is the Bears first month: come back from a 14 point second half deficit at home vs. Cincy, aided by a horrible unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by Cincy (shocker) late in the game (not impressed), a last second touchdown, come from behind win at home vs. lowly Minnesota (not impressed), a beat down of Pittsburgh on the road (join the crowd, everyone is doing it), and a beat down they took in Detroit, in a game that was not as nearly as close as the final score. Not impressed.

Even less impressive, is the fact that the Bears are just 1-6 ATS in their last 7 versus the NFC, and 0-3-1 ATS in their last 4 games at home. Boys on this side, men on the other. The future 2013 NFC Champions lay the wood on the road. 34-20 Saints.

Denver (-7.5) at Dallas
I said it last week, I'm hopping onboard the Peyton Manning ATS gravy train now, and riding that bad boy out until it comes up black. And I don't see any reason why it should stop now. Dallas' secondary is as bad as anyone's in the league, and I'm talking to you, Redskin fan. Not to mention when Dallas faces a Quarterback who can sling it (See Giants and Chargers games- Eli, 450 yards, 4 TDs/ Rivers, 401 yards, 3 TDs), and "Houston, errrrrrr, I mean Arlington, errrrrr, I mean Dallas, we have a problem."

No need to rattle off Manning and Denver's stats here. Everyone with the exception of that one guy living under a rock, are well aware. Denver is pretty damn good, as is their field general, and I expect lots of yards through the air, and lots of points on the scoreboard. Throw in the extra incentive of Dallas linebacker Ernie Simms saying he's "sick of hearing about Peyton's success", (see Chip Kelly's back and forth w/ Manning pre-game last week, and how well that worked out for him and his Eagles) and you have the recipe for another victorious Broncos boat race.

Denver and Peyton's propensity to not let off the gas; the Broncos are 8-0-1 ATS in their last 9 following a SU win of 14 points or more. Dallas just 3-10 ATS in their last 13 played in Jerra's $60 Pizza Palace. "Two large pepperoni and ground beef pizzas, with a side of  road ATS winner, please.." 45-31 Broncos. 

Last Week    3-2 ATS
Thursday Night   1-0 ATS
Barking Dogs Year to Date   3-1 ATS
Overall Year to Date     9-12 ATS (43%)

Follow along as "Yack" pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book *

25 years ago this month, my "suspended from all school activities for the semester, for drinking on school property" ass was at the Legend's house on a Saturday night, while all my school mates were at Homecoming. And then the Washington Nationals' next manager did this.

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