Friday, October 11, 2013

NFL Week 6: Stuck in The Muck of an Under .500 Suck...But Hopeful

The 2013 Campaign has Been a
 Bloody Mess for Eli and the G-Men
NY Giants (+7.5) at Chicago (Thursday Night)
I'm going back to the well with the 0-5 New York football Giants. Why am I doing this to myself? Short week, lots of points, and I'll say it again, the G-Men cannot be this friggin' bad. That's why. Besides, take a close look at 'da Bears, and you'll see a team that is not as good as some thought early on.

Fact is, the Bears have just one quality win (Week 1 vs. Cincy) that was essentially gift wrapped for them. Other than that, their 2013 resume is nothing to write home about. In fact, they've more or less been boat raced their last two games, not really being in either game at Detroit and this past week in a home loss to New Orleans.

The Giants are giving up over 36 points/game. 'Da Bears are not much better at 28 per. Putting my faith in an 0-5 team to cover, is something I don't want to make a habit of, but I'm expecting a high scoring, semi-sloppy, typical Thursday night game that the G-Men stick around in. 'Da Bears are 0-4-1 ATS in their last 5 home games. 31-26 Bears.

Carolina (+2.5) at Minnesota
Carolina has had bit of a tough luck start. Week 1 loss to a very good Seattle team, in which the Panthers coughed the ball up late in the Seattle red zone, and a last second loss in Week 2 at Buffalo. They did right the ship in an absolute beat down of the hapless (I bet them this week and last week) Giants, but then got grounded again in this past weekend's loss to a descent Cardinals team, whose defense is 3rd against the run and yielding just 19 points per. Cam Newton and DeAngelo Williams won't find that much resistance this week.

The Vikings are 29th in the league against the pass, giving up over 326 yards/per through the air. And in their last two games, they've yielded a combined 700 yards plus through the air against the Browns' Brian Hoyer and Pittsburgh's Big Ben. Expect Newton to have a huge day both in the air and on the ground.

Rumor has it, Prince, a.ka., "Symbol", will be lining up under center this week for Minnesota. And like doves, Vikings fans will be crying by game's end. My Barking Dogs this year are 4-1 ATS and 4-1 SU. Ruff-Ruff. 27-17 Panthers.

"Hi, Mr. Schaub. Will you sign my
copy of 'Catcher in The Rye'?"
St. Louis at Houston (-7.5)
Goofy Schaub has had an interesting couple of weeks. Between throwing pick sixes and having to thwart off a couple of Mark David Chapmans at his house, the goofy looking bastard needs a big fat W to make all well again. And that is what he'll get on Sunday.

In what I'm deeming my October 5 Star Game of the Month, the Texans and Goofy will get out of their three week funk of pissing away games and being accosted by the mentally ill, by laying the wood to the greatest QB that never was.

The Texans- many experts' pick to win their division, have lost three games in a row while posting the number 1 defense in the entire NFL, and a not too shabby 7th offense led by the before mentioned Goofy. But to be fair, the last three weeks weren't exactly cupcake meet and greets with their 6 year old's 1st grade teacher. Now granted, they did have Seattle dead to rights and we all know how that ended, but that game was sandwiched between losses at Super Bowl Champions (and still good) Baltimore, and last week's national television shellacking at San Francisco (last year's runner ups).

The Rams are coming off a 34-20 beat down of hapless Jacksonville. Unfortunately, they'll be facing the league's top ranked defense this week, and similarly to how they played two weeks ago versus the league's 5th best defense (at San Fran, in a 35-11 loss, in which the Rams totaled just 188 yards), this will not be fun for Ram fan. The Rams are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games overall. 33-14 Texans. This is my NFL Game of The Year.

Jacksonville (+26.5) at Denver
Manning's Off Season Trainer?
The only thing more absurd than one professional football team giving another professional football team 26.5 points, is the notion that any professional football team would only be a 17.5 point favorite versus the number 1 college football team in the country.

Dear Yahoo, Deadspin, or anyone else who would be willing to make that line 17.5 if the Crimson Tide were ever to take the field against the Jaguars. My name is Mike, do you take cash and credit- because I'd like to wager 7 zillion dollars on the Jags, please. Thanks.

Peyton Manning and the Broncos are like those old school porn stars who just keep banging away with no sign of going limp. I'm not sure if Manning did some off season conditioning with Peter North, but his first 5 weeks resemble a sorority house gang bang flick, in which the money shot doesn't come- uhh, uhh- until 32 minutes in, or in Manning's case, the first Sunday night in February, 2014.

To continue this high school sophomoric innuendo, think of Manning's first 5 weeks opponents as the Hannah Storms and Lindsay Czarniaks of the ESPN world, and this week's opponent in Jacksonville, as Shelly Smith. I don't expect Manning and the Broncos to keep it up following 5 weeks of domination, and especially after last week's blow for blow with the Cowboys.

I also like the fact that Jacksonville trots out Chad Henne this week,  they'll have Justin Blackmon back for the second consecutive week, and MJD- who suggested this week that the point spread was insulting to him. Unless the Broncos' trainers mix Viagra into Denver's Saturday night pre-game meal, the points here are a stone cold, rock hard, money shot lock. 38-19 Broncos.

Tennessee at Seattle (-13.5)
Home Sweet Home, once said by Vince Neil and the boys. Seattle is a little dicey outside the friendly confines of whatever they call the field they play their home games in (4 point escape at Carolina, OT win at Houston, loss last week at Indy), but when they are at home, they are pretty gosh darn good.

Seattle has played two home games in the 2013 campaign, and has won by 26 and 28 points respectively. (Including a beat down of divisional rival Frisco). In fact, dating back to last year- in which the Seahawks were a perfect 8-0 at home, the 'Hawks are winning at home by an average score of 31-11.

The Titans are 3-2, but they're just 2-9-1 ATS in their last 12 vs. a team with a winning record. And Seattle is pretty good following a SU loss, 5-0 against the number the week after an L. 31-13 Seahawks.

Last Week                                 3-2 ATS
Barking Dogs Year to Date    4-1 ATS
Overall Year to Date           11-14 ATS (44%)

Follow along as "Yack" pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*

Dear Braves,

Nice year. You won your division by 10 games, and you really showed those "World Series or Bust" Nats along the way. Congrats. Now go fuck yourselves.

Your 4 games and out routine- that you made common place in the 90's (a decade in which you probably should've won 2-3 World Series titles)- is par for the course for an organization of losers like yourselves.

I would normally not take a stand for an Atlanta Brave, Dallas Cowboy, or Baltimore Oriole, for that matter, but Atlanta's shenanigans last week- when their future Hall of Famer, 19 years with just one club 3rd baseman walked out to the mound to throw out the first pitch in game 1 of your NLDS with the Dodgers, was embarrassing.

Real classy, Brian McCann. Real classy, Chris Johnson. Maybe you two pricks should spend less time getting upset about opposing players going yard on you, and more time learning respect for a guy who spent almost two decades wearing your uniform, hit .303 over his career, and who has a ring on his finger that neither of you or the other 23 dipshits on your team has. 

And why? Because he correctly went on radio and predicted that you'd be 4 games and out?

So in between your tee times and beating your wives-oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. Bobby Cox doesn't manage you losers anymore- enjoy 2 minutes and 12 seconds of a guy who is going to make your lives miserable for the next decade.

Fuck You and The Horses You Fucking Assholes Rode In On,


No comments:

Post a Comment

Rich Turpin's Very Super Forecast: The 2017 Washington Redskins

By. Rich Turpin Week 1, Philadelphia "Let me fleece Mr. Snyder first, and then I'll see you in 2018!" The Redskins op...