Friday, December 13, 2013

NFL Week 15: It Took 14 Weeks, But I'm Finally At The Mendoza Line. Now What?

Jason Campbell's 2013 Passer Rating: 88.0
Robert Griffin The Third's: 82.2
Chicago at Cleveland (-1)
That popping sound you hear? The back field judge in the Browns/Patriots game last weekend, just now removing his dick from the Browns' collective ass. That pass interference call in the end zone, to set up the Patriots for a 1st and goal from the 1 and an improbable come back win was so bad, that Jeff Triplette just called for an internal affairs investigation.

Jay Cutler returns for the Bears after being on the shelf for 4 weeks. Jason Campbell will make his second start since returning from a concussion, induced from a shot to the head that was not called in the Browns/Steelers game. I'm not sure what games your officials are watching, Roger Goodell, but the officiating this year has been fucking abysmal. And the "bitchers" thought the replacement refs were bad....

Jason Campbell has played well in his role as the backup to the back up to Brian Hoyer. Whose on first, whose on second, you might ask? His 391 yard, 3 touchdown effort against the Patriots was all for naught because of the before mentioned ream job. But no fears, Browns fan. The Brownies get a defense this week,  that's even worse than the very much under the radar bad defense that's in New England, as da Bears come to town yielding almost 28 points/per, and (28th ranked) 382 yards/per. Not good. What is good, is a Cleveland defense that is ranked 7th overall, against a very average team from the Windy city. 24-20 Browns.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+5)
I'm playing the Vikings here for a couple of reasons. (1) Minnesota has actually been pretty descent over the last month. I broke this down quite eloquently in last week's post, as I had them as an easy ATS winner and should've had them as a money-line winner as well. (why do they call this gambling?). And (2) I'm still not sold on the current division leaders of the NFC Least. Yes, they've won 5 games in a row, but I'm not ready to crown a team whose Napoleon Dynamite phenom QB is due to shit the bed, on the road, laying a lot of points, against a Vikings team whose covered 5 of their last 6.

Besides, throw out last week's Blizzard Bowl against Detroit, and who have the Uggles beaten that's worth a flip (Colin)? West Coast to East Coast Arizona? Ok, descent win at home, but that's mixed in around awful Washington, awful Oakland, and an Aaron Rodgers-Less Packers' team. I'm not impressed. The Vikings have covered 6 straight in December. 27-24, somebody wins.

"I wonder if I have time to take a shit at halftime."
Kansas City (-4.5) at Oakland
Rumor has it that Andy Reid's pre-game meal will consist of 95% saturated fats, 5% shit that's actually good for you. The only problem with that equation, is that prior to stuffing the food into his fat face, Reid will pick off the 5% good shit, and give it to kicker Ryan Succop.

Speaking of Reid, he has seen this movie before- a playoff run in December and a game he must win against an inferior division opponent. I'll take the fat boy with his game manager quarterback, and his defense who is still only yielding 17 points per contest. Not to mention, and call me crazy Bronco fan, but a chance to pull into a tie with Denver (and still contend for the division title???), who by the way, has to finish their 2013 campaign on the road. Yes, those are games the Broncos should win, but did anyone see their "10 point favorites" performance at home Thursday night? I guess the Chargers are a little better than the Titans, huh, Peyton?

Oakland has nothing, having lost 5 of their last 6. And don't sleep on the Chiefs' role as road warriors, covering 5 of their last 6 away from Arrowhead. 22-13 Chiefs.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (+3)
Unlike the previous divisional game I just broke down, I'm getting my chips in the middle with the home dog in this divisional tilt. Not just because Big Ben and Side Steppin' Mike have some pride on the national stage, but because (1) The Bungholes are 0-2 SU and 0-2 ATS this year on the road vs divisional opponents, and (2) I'm a big fan of playing the divisional team who lost the last time the two teams played. (That's one of my secret angles.... Except of course in the KC/Oak game this week......)

The Steelers are a 5-4 team since their atrocious 0-4 start. So just focus on that for a minute. They're a "5-4 team"- at home, against a divisional opponent they lost to in week 2, and the Steelers are coming off a tough home loss. When presented that way, I'm taking the Steelers plus points seven days a week and twice on Sunday nights at 8:30 pm Eastern.

The Steelers are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 games overall, and 4-1 ATS in their last 5 against the AFC North. Give that girlfriend a congratulatory slap on her fat ass, and fire up a menthol, Steelers fan. Its Terrible Towel Time, bishes! Ruff-Ruff, 23-19 Steelers.

Baltimore at Detroit (-6)
If the Lions don't get their heads out of their collective asses, head coach Jim Schwartz will find himself pulling roadie duty for one of those awful heavy metal bands he listens to on his iPod. The PUSSY cats have now lost 3 of their last 4, and appear to be in typical Detroit Lion shit the bed mode. Not so fast, you cynical cocksucker, Yack. This game is going to be a Monday Night beat down.

Don't think I haven't been watching you, Raven fan. While most of the MSM and talking heads are pimping you as the "team nobody wants to play in round 1" or that "here comes the Ravens", I've watched you pull rabbits out of your ass and/or lose SU, for virtually the entire season. I'm not buying that horseshit for one minute. And this is a very, very bad match up for the Charm City Crowes.

Besides the fact that the Lions are on that 3 of last 4 slide (due factor), Detroit gets back home to the friendly confines of their climate controlled (and fast track) dome, and not that debacle I attempted to watch on TV last week in Philly. And I hate a lot of the match-ups for the Crowes here.

Baltimore cannot run the ball (29th), and conversely the Lions defense is 6th against the run. Maybe Joe Flacco will have to go back to those gimmicks he was bitching about a few weeks back, because Baltimore will get nothing on the ground this week. And as far as Matthew Stafford is concerned,  I like the helter skelter antics of that gunslinger. Yeah, he gets erratic at times, but he's commanding the 3rd best pass attack in the league against what is an average Baltimore pass D. Lastly, that line looks fishy "big", which I think will entice most of the uninformed betting public to get down on Bal'More. Bad bet, suckers. 45-17 Lions, in a track meet.

Last Week                                                      3-2 ATS
Overall Year To Date                           34-34-2 ATS (50%)
Reg. Season ATS Since '09          181-140-12 ATS (56.3%)

Follow along as 'Yack' pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*

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