Sunday, December 22, 2013

NFL Week 16: Doing It Doggy Style

Minnesota (+7) at Cincinnati
Bungholes' punter Kevin Huber won't be sending a Christmas card to Steelers special teamer Terence Garvin this year. Unless, of course, the Christmas card says, "Best Wishes This Christmas Season, You Cocksucker. I Really Appreciate You Breaking My Fucking Jaw and Cracking My Vertebra. Eating-errrrrrrrrr, Drinking Liquid Foods From a Straw is About as Appealing as The Stank That Emits From The Crotches of 95% of The Steelers' Female Fan Base. I Hope You Get Your Dick Stuck in an Elevator Door or Something., You Asshole. Ho!Ho!Ho!"

The Bungholes will probably win this game, in fact, they will win this game. But this is entirely too many points against a team who has found their stride during the second half of the 2013 campaign. Here is the dilly-yo: the purple people eaters have covered 4 straight, 6 of their last 7, and they've scored 20 points or more in 8 straight games, which is the stat that I'm actually more impressed with. In fact, during that 8 game span, they're averaging 28.6 points per contest, which relative to season totals vs the rest of the league, would rank them 3rd. Not to go college football angle on you, but next week's tilt vs divisional foe Bal'more could be creeping in Marvin Lewis and the Bungholes minds already. 27-22 Bungholes.




Denver at Houston (+10.5)
I've lost so much money and so much ground in this stupid contest betting on Houston this year, that I've decided to bet on Houston again this week. On a side-note, I enjoy punching myself in the balls repeatedly, just for the fuck of it. (Does anyone recall my "NFL Game of The Year", the weekend I was in Vegas visiting The Legend? I do. I had to blow the cabbie just to give me a ride back to the airport.....#LostAllMyMoneyOnTheTexans)

Think of this as a game of roulette, and you see that the tote board has posted 12 straight reds (Texans losses). Black is due, right? And in this case, black represents a win or for what I'm concerned about, a win against the number. During Houston's 12 game slide into oblivion, the Toxins have been a 7 point dog or higher twice, and they've covered both times.

Here's the deal, folks. SI's Sportsman of The Year and his bucking Broncos, not only aren't going to win the Super Bowl, they're not even going to go. Their defense is shaky, and Peyton Manning's January stumbles cannot be ignored. However, just focusing on the last month; the Broncos have lost 2 of their last 4 straight up, and are giving up 28.5 points/per during that stretch. Houston is (+400) on the money-line. I'd pound the Toxins with the points, and make a second (smaller) wager on them on the ML. 30-28, maybe the Toxins pull off the upset. 





Dallas at Washington (+3)
There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park as of late, that Depends has offered to build an adult diaper around the entire facility. There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park lately, that RG3's Thanksgiving Day Dinner partner Dan Snyder just signed Roto Rooter on to be the official plumber of the Washington Redskins. There are so many leaks coming out of Redskins Park lately, that in 2 weeks or 2 months or 6 months, 19 different reporters and 95% of the (expert) Redskins fans, will all turn to the guy next to them, and although talking about completely different things, will say, "See, I told you so..."

Tony Romo is coming off another brilliant Tony Romo in December performance. Blowing a 26-3 lead at halftime, and then pissing that game away at the end like Dallas did was so bad on so many levels, that Jerry Jones was caught by Fox's cameras with a frown on his face. Or at least I think that's what his face was doing. That loss made it two straight losses for Dallas, and 5 losses out of their last 6 against the number.

An independent poll of West Virginia residents who are Redskins fans, showed that they'd prefer Kirk Cousins over RG3 as the future Redskins quarterback. But then again, most people from West Virginia do prefer Cousins.....(bada-bing). The underdog in this series is 23-8 ATS in the last 31 played between these two teams who both suck. I'll take my chances on the sucky team who also happens to be at home catching a field goal. 30-23 Washington.




Tennessee at Jacksonville (+5.5)
The Jags have covered and won straight up three of their last four tilts. So won't you join me in a flashback to last week, when I explained to you how easy the Steelers (+3) Sunday night was. Big H.A.T. Nation was a 5-4 team (now 6-4) since their atrocious 0-4 start, and had just lost a tough game at home to Miami. They were then back at home catching points against a divisional foe. Such an easy like Sunday night football winner, and it was.

So here we are, in a similar situation. The Jags are a 3-1 team over the last month, catching a descent amount of points at home against a divisional foe whom they already beat earlier this season. (remember when I said one of my angles is playing against the divisional team who won the first game between the two? Well, I'm going against it again #YackLogic)

I mean, call me crazy, and yeah I know Vegas isn't stupid, so spare me the "how do you think they built all those beautiful hotel/casinos?" speech, but the TITans have lost 5 of their last 6, and this line makes absolutely zero point zero sense. The Jags have won three of the last four these two have played in Georgia south. I like the team at home, getting points, who also happens to be riding the surge train right now. 24-19 Jaguars. 



Oakland (+10) at San Diego
Speaking of divisional match ups, consider these numbers; the last 9 match ups between these two teams have gone Chargers 5 wins, Raiders 4 wins. And over that span, the games have been decided by an average of 8.2 points. I like the Raiders here, who until last week's reaming they took at the hands of the Chiefs, have been competitive. Sure, this is loser talk and probably a loser angle considering the barely over .500 horseshit season I'm having, but the Raiders prior five games read: lose by 10, lose by 7, lose by 4, win by 5, and lose by 4. And I might add, 4 of those 5 games were on the road (like this one), so its not as if they roll over and die when away from the friendly confines of that insane asylum they play at.

The Chargers have been a weird team this year. One minute they show hope and look like they're one of a handful of teams to contend for spots 5 and 6 in the AFC, and the next minute their coach is calling 2 of 3 pass plays from 1st and goal from the half yard line, Redskins fan. And I can't lay my money on that nonsense.

The Raiduzz are 7-1 ATS in their last 8 following an ATS loss. Conversely, the Bolts are 2-8-1 ATS in their last 11 following a straight up win. I like lots of points, and I like the silver and black to stick around. 33-27 Bolts. 



Last Week                                                                 3-2 ATS
Overall Year To Date                                      37-36-2 ATS (51%)
Reg. Season ATS Since '09                     184-142-12 ATS (56.4%)





Follow along as 'Yack' pursues excellence in the Las Vegas Hilton Super Contest. @Sportsyack on Twitter. *Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*












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