Sunday, December 29, 2013

NFL Week 17: Putting A Bow on a Ho Ho Ho Hum Year

For the final week of the season, I turned over prognosticating duties to The Legend. It was a rather disappointing season for yours truly. Lets face it, when you're a documented (and as Gary Koch once said, "better than most") 57% ATS since the start of the 2009 regular season-including a non LVH Contest year (unfortunately) in 2011, when I went 38-17-4 ATS (69%), going 50% ATS is unacceptable. Its a juice loser, and its as un-watchable and disgusting as some dope snapping his leg in half in one of those idiotic UFC matches.

So I truly do want to apologize to anyone who might've followed my picks to the letter. I can only say that I will try harder next year. And there will definitely be a next year. The Legend and I have already committed to the 2014 LVHSC and its $1,500 buy-in. So as they've said around Ashburn ever since Daniel Snyder bought your Washington Redskins, "we'll get them next year!"

The following 5 are The Legend's picks. And for the fuck of it, I picked every remaining game that he did not take. Please note, that although I finished .500, I did not have one single week where I won at least 4 games ATS. I had a lot of 3-2 and a couple 3-1-1 weeks, to offset the misery that was Week 2 (0-5 ATS). So if The Legend goes 4-1 or 5-0 this week, I will be crucified by him over electronic message, and I will be sure to share it with you on Monday or Tuesday.

The Legend's Five
Atlanta (+7)
Chicago (-4.5)....nice job Legend, picking this game prior to the Aaron Rodgers news, you dipshit...
NY Giants (-3.5)
Baltimore (+6)
Arizona (+1)
*Lines as of Thursday morning, LVH Sports Book*

Yack's Shits and Giggles Picks
Jax (+10.5) at Indy
Jags were boat raced by Colts in Week 4. But Jags have played better the second half of the season, and have now covered 4 of last 5. Heading into the last week of the season, Andrew Luck is still contending for NFL's goofiest laugh and ugliest gums award, and it will deter his focus in this one. 24-16 Colts.

NY Jets at Miami (-6.5)
The Flippers have won three of the last four between these two, including absolute beat downs in the last two. And with the playoffs on the line, no need to change that now. Rumor has it Richie Incognito will be giving a pre-game pep talk to his estranged team, that he's entitled "Let's Go Kick Their Asses, You Fucking Ni**ers, Cr**kers, and Fa**ots!!!!" 31-14 Dolphins.

Detroit at Minnesota (-3)
The Lions have lost 5 out of 6, and the head banging coach who hates stronger than usual post game hand shakes could be on his way out. AP is out, but don't be discouraged from this easy ATS winner. The Vikings have covered 6 of their last 8, included 3 straight ATS and SU wins at home. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Schwartzy. 29-23 Vikings.

Houston (+7) at Tennessee
I would feel guilty not to play the Texans this week, as they spent the entire 2013 f**king me like a 50 cent whore. And since I have only slightly more couth than Elliot Spitzer would have at a group home for troubled teenage women, I'm going back to the well for another piece of that Texans' ass. Don't look now, but these Texans who have lost 13 games in a row, last won a game when they played....24-23, Texans win a nail biter.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-7)
As much as it troubles me to bet against my adopted "second favorite team" while typing this from a stone's throw from downtown Cleveland, the Steelers have been one of the best teams ATS the second half of the season. And with a slight chance at post season play, they will lay the wood today to their hated divisional foe. The Big H.A.T. Nation has covered 6 of their last 7, including a 27-11 beat down of these Brownies in Cleveland a month ago. 26-14 Steelers.

Washington (+3) at NY Giants
RG3 is already in pre-production for a documentary that is set to be released the second week of next August. The working title is "All In For Preferential Treatment From My Owner". Kirk Cousins, in his final audition for one of the other 31 teams who eventually trades for him and then goes on to make the playoffs, keeps the Redskins hanging around in a game that pits two absolutely horseshit teams. Sidenote: next time someone wants to waste 10 minutes of your time telling you how an "elite Quarterback" is needed to win in the National Football League, tell them that a guy named Eli, whose won two rings in the last 6 years, currently has a 69.8 passer rating, which ranks worse than guys named Brandon Weeden and Matt McGloin. Shanahan goes out a winner (insert Jackie Martling laugh). 27-23 Redskins.

Buffalo (+7.5) at New England
The Patriots (somehow) with injuries up and down the field, and a bunch of no name players Tom Brady is throwing to, are a home win away from securing at least a 2 seed in the AFC playoff tournament. (Now tell me to go re-read what I just wrote about not needing an elite quarterback in the NFL, and then tell me to shove it up my stupid ass). Unfortunately for Pretty Boy Brady, he doesn't play run defense for the Pats, and you can expect Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller to murder (no pun intended, Pats fan) a Pats D that's yielding 130 yards+/per contest. 30-23 Patriots.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-11)
Remember when the Saints were many's pick to represent the NFC in the Snow Bowl in early February? Now they're a team who is bad day away from making tee times next weekend instead of playing post season football. No fear, N'Orleans. This game has boat race written all over it. After playing two tough road games against teams who can actually play defense, Drew Brees will have a field day against a  Bucs team who after showing some mid season life, has packed it in again. 44-23 Saints.

Denver (-10.5) at Oakland
Peyton Manning told Ron Burgundy during a Sportscenter interview this week, that he has done a pretty good job playing quarterback for a guy who doesn't have a mustache. On a side note, Kordell Stewart had a respectable career for a guy who had a beard. (He did have a beard, right? Or was that a goatee, I'm having trouble remembering). Question: Whose starting at QB for the Rai-duzz this week? Answer: Who gives a shit, who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter, I know whose starting for the Denver Broncos, and that dude can play. 38-17 Denver.

Kansas City at San Diego (-9.5)
Andy Reid is pulling his starters at halftime not because he wants to rest them for the playoffs next week, but because Chiefs' starting QB Alex Smith is a very good cook, and Reid wants Smith to make him some Turkey Mac and Fritters for Reid to eat in between the end of the 3rd Quarter and the start of the 4th. 27-6 Chargers.

St. Louis (+12) at Seattle
Hey Seattle, you've been crowned by virtually every talking head on the planet. You and that midget QB of yours might want to get back to scoring some points (16 points/per over their last 3 games).  I'll take Jeff Fisher (+12) over Pete Carroll 7 days a week and twice on football Sundays. 17-12 Suckhawks.

Philadelphia at Dallas (+6.5)
Philly gave up 48 points to a 4 win Vikings team two weeks ago. They also got stymied by this same Dallas team in Philly 8 weeks ago. Oh yeah, and LeSean McCoy was held to just 55 yards rushing in that 17-3 loss. The focus here should not be Tony Romo's injury. It should be that of two very average teams whose defenses absolutely suck (Philly 30th, Dallas 32nd), playing a win or go home game, and the home team is catching over a touchdown. Where do I sign up for easy money? Here, apparently. 26-24 Eagles.

Thanks for following along this year. The ATS picks will be back in September 2014. 

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