Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Get Your Shit Together, Starbucks

Commentary by Mike Baxter

Its the little things in life that annoy me, and its the little things in life that probably annoy 99% of the population, as well. And on this glorious, rainy April morning, one of those annoying things reared its ugly head again.

For the record, I've had issue with this and have even made mention of this to Starbucks in the past through my @Sportsyack twitter account. So this isn't some new phenomenon, or some random rant I've decided to blog about today. I've had issue and made suggestions to these fuckers for probably three or more years now.

Nothing- and I mean NOTHING, is more fucking annoying than when I roll over to Starbucks at 7am on a random Tuesday or any day for that matter, and I'm waiting 10 fucking minutes, usually as just the 3rd or 4th person in line, because some house frow- who is in more need of a salad and a treadmill than the 1000+ calorie sausage egg and cheese croissant with a side of lard she's ordering- is holding up the line placing her god damn food order.

Now I'm not posting this to take a shot at or poke fun of fat people. They're entitled to wake up and roll over to Starbucks, and order as much "cottage cheese legs" creating horseshit food as they want. That's their god given right, or until at least the FLOTUS implements more food rules that everyone hates. But in any case, the customers ordering all this shit and holding up us coffee drinkers, are not the problem; Starbucks is.

Yep, Starbucks. The cult of personality coffee shop who apparently can't squeeze in an extra employee (or two) and an extra "Coffee Only" line, with the $14.9 billion they made in 2013, to focus on what put them at the top of the hipster food chain; coffee.

Consider your coffee drinkers, Starbucks. Consider the fact that that's why the majority of your customers are here in the first place. Consider that you've created a brand that when spoken, is immediately synonymous with coffee. Its not croissants, or egg McMuffins, or 600 calorie coffee cake, or wifi, or sitting around with your loser friends and discussing the deep meaning of the lyrics in Lorde's latest song, its the coffee, stupids.

So do all of us coffee drinkers a favor, and come off your big fat corporate wallets (wow, I'm starting to sound like a whiny liberal), and invest in another employee or two (and a "Coffee Only" line), so that your coffee customers don't have to spend 12 god damn minutes to conduct a transaction that should've taken 4.

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