Sunday, February 1, 2015

Thoughts on the Super Bowl and Other Stuff

By. Mike Baxter, with some one line contributions from Judge Patrick

Professor Yack's Prognosticating Mood Lately
Another dreadful season of picking winners has thankfully come to an end ( FYI, I started writing this post the first week of January), with yours truly (and The Legend) failing to even hit the 50% mark ATS for the second season in a row. After finishing the 2013 campaign one game under .500 in the Las Vegas Hilton Supercontest-now referred to as the Westgate Las Vegas Resort Super Contest, which for what its worth, doesn't sound as cool- the 2014 campaign was an even bigger abortion.

It got so bad that I opted to punt on the blog not even halfway through the season. I was so frustrated in my ability to be on the right side, that I shamed myself into a corner and took my pen and paper with me. In fact, the last time I wrote a piece on this two bit website was back in November, when I predicted that the Redskins would go on a late season run and make the playoffs.

God, am I dumb.

And the irony about that piece, is that swing and miss of a blog-post, just about sums up my prognosticating skills over the last two NFL seasons.

Until now, where I'm going to attempt to predict the Grand Poobah of the NFL- the league that continues to make hand over fist money, despite one PR nightmare after another, while being led by Roger "I never saw the tape, nothing to see here" Goodell.

"You said, 'balls'. Huh-huh-huh-huh..."
Take for instance Deflategate. (Yeah, I bet you want another opinion on this story like you want genital warts.)  Ok, everyone wants to point the finger at Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, and maybe they did have something to do with the balls- huh-huh...huh-huh- being deflated. But at this point, who gives a shit? The real problem is that that can be done in the first place.

You mean to tell me that with all the billions of dollars the NFL is making off of ass hats like myself, and the millions of dollars that the before mentioned red head commissioner makes, that the NFL can't employ some other ass hat to watch and monitor the balls-huh-huh...huh-huh- for each game??? You know, like pay another official to have all the balls with him from the time he arrives at the stadium until the time he leaves???

And if you need one guy for each team's sideline, then so be it, hire two extra guys to do this job. All this, "the Patriots balls were 11.5 psi and the Colts balls were 12.5 psi" is bullshit! I mean, are you kidding me, Roger?!?!

How does each team have their own game balls in the first place?

Here, NFL, I'm going to solve this in one sentence: Get two extra officials, have them bring 20 or 24 balls to the stadium, divide the balls in half, and be done with it. None of this, "Well, the NFL checks the balls 2.5 hours before kickoff, and then that's it." I mean, come on. Its so fucking dumb, and I've had to listen to this nonsense for two weeks now. Enough already.

A quick review of things and some observations, before I break down the Super Bowl.

*As I mentioned. The Legend and I are now 0-2 in our two attempts at cashing in the Westgate Las Vegas Resort Super Contest. It was a dreadful season, but nobody was catching the guy who posted an astonishing 64-20-1 ATS record, to take home $600,000+. That's an absurd 76.1% ATS, for those of you counting at home. Better luck to us next year, right Legend? Sidenote: WE do have New England to win today, a wager that The Legend put down back in August, $1000 at 7/1. (unfortunately for US, I'm not "feeling it". More on that in a minute....)

*"American Sniper" is an awesome movie, period. Its not propaganda, its not Democrat vs Republican. Its 2.5 hours of a compelling, interesting look at what this guy went through during his 4 war zone tours. My apologies to Seth Rogan and his piece of shit "The Interview" movie that I spent $6 on, and I'm sorry your movie studio Sony is run by a bunch of pussies, which all but torpedoed that piece of shit movie in the first place. Now having said that, you and Michael Moore can go fuck yourselves.

Not to continue Kevin McCarthy on you, but "Boyhood" sucked, and is completely overrated- I thought I was watching a Lifetime movie, and "Whiplash" is unbelievably good. J.K. Simmons' character in "Whiplash" makes the Gunnery Sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket" look like a choir boy.

*I see Bruce Jenner will be featured in a documentary that will cover his "life transformation". That should be neat. Also neat, is probably the state of mind of those two girls he had with Kris Jenner. Lets see, their big (assed) sister Kim got famous for crushing an anaconda in a video that went viral, their mom has essentially been whoring out the entire family since they were in grade school, and now their dad is going to chronicle his transformation from a man into a woman, on national television. Speaking of prognosticating, I predict lots of coke, STD tests, and therapy for those two Jenner girls.

In fact, see if your man will take a 3 team parlay on Kylie Jenner: coke arrest, gang bang video gone viral, and unmarried and pregnant by a rapper, all by the age of 22. Take that money to the bank!

*Jayson Werth checked into a Fairfax County jail this weekend to begin his 5 day sentence for driving like a horse's ass on the Capital Beltway last summer. Werth was clocked doing 105 mph by a Virginia State Trooper, which was ironic, since "105" is about what he hit in last October's NLDS loss against the Giants. You remember that series, where basically Bryce Harper and Anthony Rendon showed up, and guys like the "Werewolf of London" himself looked like a little leaguer during those four games, and then he couldn't even talk to reporters following the dismal performance.

Compound that with the mind boggling decision to wait until early January to have shoulder surgery (Werth claims that he started feeling pain in an off season workout, but the facts are that he was having problems with that shoulder in August, and in fact missed a week of play because of it) that takes 3 months to rehab from, and this Nats fan has a real case of the ass.

John Feinstein says that Werth is one of the least likable athletes in the history of D.C. sports, and there are not too many times when I agree with things that come out of Feinstein's mouth. But I'm with the name dropper on this one.

"Do I make you horny?"
*Finally, if you want to read a story about a 69 year old senior news reporter for 60 Minutes texting his 41 year old mistress that he's "too old and sick to jerk off" and other neat love messages, read the New York Post story from yesterday. Also, you got to love the main stream media trotting out a guy who shares cigarettes with the President- a man he refers to as "Barry"- to deliver those hard hitting interviews.

Seattle (Pick'em) vs New England
I'm not going to take up too much more of your time, or space in this precious cyberspace. I'm not really into snark and awe, so I'll cut to the chase. Defense and run game win football games. Its been that way forever in the National Football League. And for the 2014 campaign, the Seattle Seahawks were numero uno in both of those categories- as in, of the 32 NFL teams in the entire league, the Seahawks were first in total defense, and first in total rushing offense.

I don't expect a total blowout like last year's debacle, as I'll give Tom Brady a slight advantage over Peyton Manning, and John Fox isn't even in the conversation with Bill Belichick. So don't expect a 43-8 beat down like last year's big game. But Seattle's defense is like gang busters, chatty Marshawn Lynch can run wild, and let me go on record and tell you that Russell Wilson could not possibly play any worse than he did two weeks ago against Green Bay in the NFC Championship Game. And Seattle still won.

New England is not great away from Foxboro. They were a very ho hum (considering they're AFC Champions) 4-4 ATS on the road, including two absolute ass kickings they took at the hands of Kansas City (Top 10 run team) and Miami (12th in league, total rushing). I think Seattle's defense gets to a not very mobile Tom Brady, I think the Pats will put those deflated balls on the ground a couple times, and I think its back to back Lombardi Trophies for the Pacific Northwest.

Legend, I apologize to US both in advance. Seahawks, 26-16.

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