Thursday, July 30, 2015

The 2015 Washington Redskins, As Predicted by Riiiiiiiiich Turpin

Here it is, the 5th Annual Washington Redskins season predictions as told by yours truly- "Rich in Centreville", Rich Turpin. If it weren't for the magical 2012 season, these predictions would be epically bad. Some say I see the Redskins through Burgundy and Gold colored glasses, others say I love to drink the Kool Aid. I prefer to call it optimism, bishes. These predictions are for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy and take notes. Rich

Week 1- Miami
The Redskins get a favorable season opener against the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins haven't been relevant, since Dan Marino was being held hostage in that one Jim Carray movie. Dolphins' QB Ryan Tannehill doesn't exactly light the world on fire, but he does bring 2 new weapons to Fed Ex Field in Kenny Stills and Jordan Cameron. Shush it, Snowflake Fan. RG3 will do his best to eliminate all the off season negative chatter about his game, by throwing for 297 yards and 2 touchdowns. Redskins roll, 24-13. (1-0)

Week 2- St. Louis
Rams' coach Jeff Fisher didn't win any popularity contests last year with his choice of captains in last season's thrashing of the Redskins. However, he's somehow managed to pull the wool over the league's eyes for the last 15+ years, convincing everyone that he's one of the best coaches in the game. Newly acquired CB Chris Culliver intercepts Nick "Sweeeeeet" Foles 2 times, and Alfred Morris runs for 109 yards and 2 TDs, as your Washington Redskins roll, 27-14. (2-0)

Week 3- @ NYG
The Redskins take their show on the road for the first time this season, and its not going to be too money in the short weekThe Giants not only will be getting back Victor "Tom" Cruz, but this will also see the return of Jason "Fingers" Pierre-Paul. RG3 shows his first signs of his 2013 form, throwing two picks in between JPP shooting bottle rockets out of his own asshole on dares by teammates. Don't sleep on red face Coughlin for too long, cuz he'll come up and bite you. 31-17 Giants. (2-1)

Week 4- Phiadelphia
Eagles' head coach Chip Kelly did his best to run the Eagles in Dynasty Madden Mode, trading away another Pro Bowl player in RB LeSean McCoy and refusing to re-sign leading WR Jeremy Maclin. Kelly also jettisoned 2014 starting QB Nick Foles for the oft injured QB Sam Bradford. The Dynasty quickly ends as Redskins' WR Desean Jackson has his first big game of 2015, catching 6 passes for 178 yards and a TD in the Redskins 40-17 rout of Philadelphia. (3-1)

Lost Without His Father

Week 5- @ Atlanta
Former Redskins' OC Kyle Shanahan most likely had this game circled on his Marvel Comics calendar when he signed on with Atlanta. In between making sure his chores and homework were done before he went out to play, Shanahan was the OC in DC up until his Daddy was fired in 2014. Shanahan is one of the brightest young minds in the game and he has one of the best WRs in the game in Julio Jones. However, when you're poaching guys from the 2014 Redskins roster (Chris Chester, Leonard Hankerson) and perennial underachiever Matt Ryan is your QB, you have no chance. Redskins run over the dirty birds behind 245 combined yards from Alfred Morris and Rookie Matt Jones. "Get to your room, Kyle!". Redskins 20-3. (4-1)

Week 6- @ NYJ
For the second time this season, the Redskins will travel to New Jersey to take on a New York football team. However, the results are much different. Former Redskin Todd Bowles was hired to turn the Jets into a winner, but he won't be doing that with Geno Smith. The Redskins make quick work of the over-matched Jets behind 308 yards passing from RG3. Redskins roll, 35-14. (5-1)

Week 7- Tampa Bay
Fed Ex Field welcomes to town the King of the Crab legs and the king of effing 'em right in the P, #1 overall pick in the NFL Draft, Jameis Winston. The Bucs do have one of the best young QB/WR duos in Winston and WR Mike Evans, but the Redskins' defense is too much for these young studs to overcome. Led by rookie LB Preston Smith's 2 sacks, the defense forces the Bucs into 4 TOs as the Redskins win this one in a laugher, 41-10. (6-1)

Week 8- Bye Week
Take this time out to grab a drink or your favorite snack, the season starts again in just a few minutes.

Week 9- @ New England
The defending World Champs will still be a force to be reckoned with in the 2015 campaign behind Brady and Gronk, and the Redskins will feel their wrath this week. This game turns into a shootout between Brady and Griffin, with Brady throwing the game winning TD to WR Brandon Lafell with under 2 minutes to play. The Redskins attempt at a last minute, come from behind win is halted when Griffin is picked off by CB Justin Green, which results in a deflating 24-20 loss. (6-2)

Week 10- New Orleans
Gone are Jimmy Graham, Kenny Stills, and Pierre Thomas, but QB Drew Brees and his birthmark are still in command of this offense. Brees continues to keep his team competitive, but the Saints' defense at this point is a bigger mess than whatever is going on inside Caitlyn Jenner's panties. RG3 throws TD passes to Pierre Garcon, Desean Jackson, and TE Jordan Reed in the lopsided 42-20 victory. (7-2)

Week 11- @ Carolina
QB Cam Newton won't be healthy for this one, leaving back up QB Derek Anderson to try and get the job done; not happening. Recently extended LB Ryan Kerrigan- and star of "Sharknado 3: Hell No", has a season high 3 sacks and the Redskins intercept Anderson 2 times (D. Hall, Goldson) while rolling to a very convincing 30-10 victory. (8-2)

Week 12- NYG
After dropping the week 3 match-up to the G-Men up in East Rutherford, the Redskins will try to get even in the friendly confines of Fed Ex Field. However, Odell Beckham and Victor Cruz seem to have the Redskins' number as they again get it done against the NFC East leading Redskins. RG3 has his 2nd worst game of the season, throwing for 198 yards and an INT. Expect Griffin to tweet "Know Your Why" first thing Monday morning. 23-10 Giants. (8-3)

Week 13- Dallas
This will be the first match-up of the 2015 campaign between the Redskins and the defending NFC East Champion Dallas Cowboys. Dallas will hobble into PG County sporting a 4-7 record, and a month or so into the regret phase of not re-signing DeMarco Murray. RG3 has his best game of the season, throwing for 429 yards and 3 TDs in the Redskins blowout victory. Jerry's face makes "sad face", we think. 35-14 Redskins. (9-3)

Week 14- @ Chicago
Bears' Head Coach John Fox had some pretty good seasons in Denver. One was led by Tim Tebow, while the others were led by some guy named Peyton. Fox doesn't seem to have the magic with this crew, as the Bears are still looking for answers at QB. Even new Offense Coordinator Adam Gase can't right the ship that is the USS Cutler. Redskins' CB Chris Culliver intercepts Cutler 2 times and the Redskins' defense holds the Bears to just 201 total yards. 17-3, Redskins. (10-3)

Week 15- Buffalo
"Not right now, honey. I'm coaching."
The Buffalo Bills roll into town with the best record in the AFC East. Led by long time back up QB Tyrod Taylor, the Bills also boast the AFC's #1 defense. The game will be decided in the final minutes as Taylor finds newly acquired RB Lesean McCoy on a swing pass that goes for 7 yards and the game winning TD. Rex "I Like Smelly Feet and I Cannot Lie" Ryan and the Bills win, 20-17. (10-4)

Week 16- @Philadelphia
After the Redskins routed the Eagles in their first match of the season, Eagles' Head Coach Chip Kelly designs a game plan to keep the Redskins' offense off the field for as much as possible. But even with that game plan implemented, the Eagles can't seem to get out of their own way. Desean Jackson torments his former team for the 2nd time this season catching 5 passes for 154 yards and a TD. Redskins clinch the division with this win and a Giants loss. 23-14 Redskins. (11-4)

Week 17- @Dallas
Having clinched the division, the Redskins give most of their starters a rest, including QB Robert Griffin III. Kirk Cousins gets the nod for the finale, impressing for most of the game. However, Cousins throws a 4th quarter INT which halts any chance for a Redskins' victory. Dallas gets their 6th victory of the season, 17-9. (11-5)

NFC Divisional Round
The Redskins enter the playoffs as the #2 seed in the NFC thanks to their 11-5 record and their NFC East title. Following the first round bye, the Redskins draw the Seahawks, and will be looking for revenge following the 2012 Divisional Round loss in which Griffin went down. It will seem like deja vu all over again, as the Redskins storm out to a quick 14-0 lead. This time, however, there will be no ACL injuries to derail either Griffin or the entire Redskins team. Griffin takes advantage of a Richard Sherman-less Seahawks' secondary by throwing for 298 yards and 2 TDs. Running Back Alfred Morris will add 99 yards on the ground and a TD. Redskins win 24-14, and advance to the NFC Championship Game for the first time in 25 years.

NFC Championship
The Redskins will face off with Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers for an opportunity to play in Super Bowl 50. Lambeau Field will be a chilly 23 degrees, perfect Packer weather. Packers' Running Back Eddie Lacey controls the game for the Packers as the cold temperatures limit the air attacks from both teams. Lacey finishes with 131 yards rushing in the closely contested 19-13 Packers' victory. Griffin fails to throw a TD for the first time all season, and the Redskins commit a season high 4 turnovers in the loss.

Season Stats

QB Robert Griffin: 3,876 yards passing, 31 TDs, 10 INTs

RB Alfred Morris: 250 carries, 1,105 yards, 11 TDs

RB Matt Jones: 60 carries, 336 yards, 5 TDs

WR Desean Jackson: 64 receptions, 1,164 yards, 7 TDs

WR Pierre Garcon: 75 receptions, 832 yards, 5 TDs

TE Jordan Reed: 61 receptions, 622 yards, 11 TDs

Rich "from Centreville" Turpin is an eternal optimist, and lifelong Washington Redskins fan. You can follow him on twitter @therichturpin

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

The Legend Chronicles, Part 1: We're Officially in For The 2015 Contest

We're quickly approaching the 2015 NFL campaign, and yours truly and The Legend will be taking our 3rd stab at achieving NFL handicapping nirvana. I was informed today, via email, that The Legend went down to the Las Vegas Hilton, aka, The Westgate Sportsbook, and ponied up our $1,500 entry fee. This news was delivered to me in typical Legend fashion, with cuss words and insults of me, my father, and my uncle. His emails, along with our weekly 5 ATS picks, will be chronicled here for your reading pleasure. Viewer Discretion is Advised.

The Players:

Yack- me. 0-2 with The Legend in the contest. WSOP casher. Sometimes caller to The Junkies. Member of the infamous Corner Club.
The Legend- retired something or other, friend of my father, uncle, and me- I guess, and lifelong LA Dodgers fan.  He once knocked out the Pittsburgh Parrot at Three Rivers Stadium, and somehow was not arrested.
The Fat Man, aka, Fat Fuck- nickname given to my father by The Legend. For what it's worth, my father is 5'11", 193 lbs. Not exactly a "fat fuck", especially for a guy in his 60s whose in pretty good health.
Uncle Dummy, aka, Cement Head- my uncle, my father's younger brother. He's not dumb and his head is not made of cement. In fact, a very successful electrician/foreman. The Legend looks down on "blue collars".
Judge Patrick- my younger, funnier brother, and sometime contributor to the blog and Twitter one liners. He said of Twitter three years ago, "I fucking hate it. It's the official death of Western Civilization." He hasn't had a Twitter account in 3 years.

Legend's Email dated July 14th, 2015:


   We are now officially registered for the westgate football super contest.  Our alias is ‘’THE YACK’’……..just a couple of points I wish to bring to ur attention… first it is like a baseball game three strikes and ur fuckin OUT…. Even being the nephew of uncle ‘’dummy’’ u can figure out what I am talking about… second I don’t want u to tap out in week 6/7 like u elected to do so last year, u acted like a beaten down bitch slapped pussy….. and most importantly this year I firmly expect u wear ur ‘’BIG’’ boy pants and do well in the contest.  If u don’t have any ‘’BIG’’ boy pants u cud always borrow a pair from the ‘’FAT’’ man.  Best of luck to us……


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